Binary Hole

Obsolete

2009-07-22T15:25:00.006-05:00

I'm driving the digital highway,
my passengers on my back,
I must do this every day,
protecting them against hacks.

Precious data I carry,
they all depend on me,
the bandwidth always varies,
it's always my fault you see.

Holding up this digital place,
by sheer will alone,
so many things I must face,
like being crushed by a stone.

It all moves too fast,
struggling to upgrade,
I don't think I'll last,
how many errors have I made?

Crashing always on my mind,
as I struggle to keep this fear in check,
will I avoid it this time,
or will it all end in a horrid wreck?

I must go faster,
I must keep them all safe,
or it will end in disaster,
a rest I can never take.

This digital highway began so nice,
with many wonderful places to explore,
now it is the source of total fright,
filled with so many things I can't ignore.

The data stream is one way it seems,
it just doesn't seem fair,
no longer what I once dreamed,
I can't escape anywhere.

The archive bit is TRUE,
the backup will run,
what can I do,
but wait for it to be done.

Stored onto a tape,
tossed to the side,
then it's too late,
forgotten in time.

Stashed away like others before,
I slowly degrade,
one day unable to restore,
I'll just fade...

What of the data I carry,
when I am replaced,
the possibilities are scary,
something I don't want to face.

Running at overclocked speeds,
the need is great,
no rest in sight that I can see,
such is my fate.

-=databat=-

Barstool Economics

2008-10-17T20:23:00.000-05:00

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too.
It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

War on Piracy and Faked Figures

2008-10-09T21:28:00.006-05:00

Have you ever wondered where the MPAA and RIAA get their numbers for lost jobs due to piracy? Lost income? I ran across an interesting article written by Julian Sanchez who went looking for these answers in his in-depth article.

In short, the numbers quoted are often extremely bad 20+ year old guesstimates from poorly done studies using limited questionnaires sent out to businesses, passed around from agency to article, each quoting or misquoting their source, and sometimes not even quoting at all. It all comes down to childish games, pure and simple. Especially when you consider the following...

Neither figure is terribly plausible on its face. As Wired noted earlier this week, 750,000 jobs is fully 8 percent of the current number of unemployed in the United States. And $250 billion is more than the combined 2005 gross domestic revenues of the movie, music, software, and video game industries.

It boggles the mind. Seriously though, read the article for the big picture. It'll make you want to trout-slap quite a few people in govt. as well as IP industry.

City uses DNA to fight dog poop

2008-09-18T12:18:00.003-05:00

Yet another broken light bulb award goes to this city in Israel. With all of the crap going on over there, you'd think they would have better things to do than to worry about dog poop. I suppose the job of dog poop analyzer could be given as a punishment for certain crimes...
----------------------------------------------------

PETAH TIKVA, Israel (Reuters) - An Israeli city is using DNA analysis of dog droppings to reward and punish pet owners.

Under a six-month trial programme launched this week, the city of Petah Tikva, a suburb of Tel Aviv, is asking dog owners to take their animal to a municipal veterinarian, who then swabs its mouth and collects DNA.

The city will use the DNA database it is building to match faeces to a registered dog and identify its owner.

Owners who scoop up their dogs' droppings and place them in specially marked bins on Petah Tikva's streets will be eligible for rewards of pet food coupons and dog toys.

But droppings found underfoot in the street and matched through the DNA database to a registered pet could earn its owner a municipal fine.

"My goal is to get the residents involved, and tell them that together, we can make our environment clean," said Tika Bar-On, the city's chief veterinarian who came up with the idea for the DNA experiment.

Bar-On said the DNA database could also help veterinarians research genetic diseases in dogs, investigate canine pedigree and identify stray animals, replacing the need for electronic chip identification.

Tasha

2008-09-11T06:18:00.003-05:00

This is a painting of my father-in-law's dog. An old beagle. It's a shame the camera doesn't really capture the translucent effect I painted into the eyes. Come to think of it, I wish the eyes hadn't turned out quite so lopsided, but she sometimes looks that way. I'm not sure if that's due to the angle of the photo I had to work with, or the saggy fur around the eyes. She is old, but a cute, lovable dog.

Comet

2008-09-11T06:16:00.003-05:00

My first attempt at a space painting. It's just your average imaginary comet flying through space. It turned out better than I thought it would, but yeah... it's just a comet. Nothing more to see here, move along... :p

Sunflower

2008-09-11T06:13:00.002-05:00

Now what aspiring artist hasn't painted a sunflower? I just had to give it a try. I painted this one on a clay tablet. Making the tablet was an interesting adventure in itself. It was also odd painting on it. Acrylic paint behaves differently on it, but I like the effect I got out of it.

Lighthouse at the Beach

2008-09-11T06:12:00.001-05:00

It turned out a bit more geometric than I wanted, but I learned a bit more about painting cliffs and the sky. I gave this one to my dad since he loves lighthouses.

Beach in the Afternoon

2008-09-11T06:07:00.003-05:00

This one turned out better. It has that dream-like quality I was going for at least. It was also fun to paint.

My First Acrylic Painting

2008-09-11T06:04:00.002-05:00

Yeah ok, I know it isn't that great, but I think I did halfway decent for my first attempt.

The Daily Fortune

2008-09-11T05:21:00.002-05:00

Ok so it's not so daily. I've been busy with *gasp* real life! EEEK! Anywho, here it is, in all it's horrible splendor. Enjoy.

[databat@ebob:~] % fortune
Almost anything derogatory you could say
about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K. E. Iverson
[databat@ebob:~] %

The Cyber-Slang Compedium - 1st Edition e-book

2007-08-03T21:26:00.000-05:00

This Compedium is packed with 41 pages of confusing acronyms, slang, and other odd terms that are or have been floating around the internet, and in sci-fi/cyber-punk novels. Don't be a "bottom feeder"! Grab this Compedium and cut your way through the "bit-slag" faster than you ever thought possible.

Spend hours reading and laughing at some of the rarely used and/or older terms. This is one purchase you won't regret. It comes in a searchable and printable pdf file. Keep one copy on your hard drive for quick access, as well as a hard copy in a notebook for showing off to your friends!

The Daily Fortune

2007-07-24T07:24:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob:~] % fortune

The Daily Fortune isn't daily if you forget to post it, dummy!

[databat@ebob:~] %

Wha??? *boggle*
*blink* umm.....
*turns off the computer and slowly backs away*

The Daily Fortune

2007-07-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob:~] % fortune

The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.

[databat@ebob:~] %

The Daily Fortune

2007-07-17T09:38:00.001-05:00

[databat@ebob:~] % fortune

"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
any time!"

[databat@ebob:~] %

The Daily Fortune

2007-07-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob:~] % fortune

I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
-- Chauncey Depew

[databat@ebob:~] %

The Daily Fortune

2007-07-15T20:35:00.001-05:00

[databat@ebob:~] % fortune
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
that good.
-- Amy Gorin
[databat@ebob:~] %

The Daily Fortune

2007-07-14T03:41:00.000-05:00

At work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
To error is human, to forgive is not company policy.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Mama Mia's Intalian Restaurant

2007-07-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

Mama Mia's Italian Restaurant
On Westchester Dr.
High Point, NC

Today my wife and I had the pleasure of eating at this fine restaurant. Upon entering, we noticed the lovely decor, and were promptly greeted and seated, even though we arrived about ten minutes before they were suppose to open. We both ordered water to drink. The glasses were spotless, and the water tasted fresh and crisp, no hint of minerals or other contaminants. Our drinks were brought out along with this delicious basket of Italian Bread. It hot, soft, and had a hint of garlic as well as other seasonings. We were also served small butter containers to put on the bread. This was real butter, none of that margarine crap. The ingredients listed on the butter container was double whipped cream, and salt. It was a very light yellow color, and was served very cold, almost freezing. Applying it to the hot bread was easy, as it melted into the bread and spread out. This kept me from ending up with most of the butter dripping onto my fingers, or stuck to the knife. The bread was delicious with and without the butter.

I ordered a chicken parmigiana sub. My wife ordered the Italian cold cut sub. We were given the choice of chips or fries. We both chose fries. The subs cost about $5.75 each. (about as much as Subway charges) Our food was presented to us with the cheese melted on top of it, and the subs open, giving us a wonderful presentation of the contents. We were also offered fresh grated parmesan cheese as well. I declined. My wife accepted, and our waitress proceeded to grate it fresh, on top of her sub. The meal was very enjoyable, hot, and fresh. The fries were cooked perfectly. They were not too crisp, or undercooked. They weren't greasy or salty. They were just perfect, served with ketchup in a little ceramic cup. The portions were excellent considering the cost of the meal. The waitress kept our glasses full, and periodically checked in with us to see if we needed anything. We both asked for a to-go box, as after eating the bread, some fries, and half a sub, we were both full.

Upon our request, the manager came out to speak with us. We let him know we were very happy with our waitress as well as the food. My wife and I will definitely be eating here again. I also plan on bringing some of my friends and family here as well. All of their subs were in the $5 range, while their other dishes were between $7 and $10. I can't wait to try their fettuccine alfredo at $8.99. In fact, when time and money permits, I want to try everything they have! It's just that good! I urge you, try eating there ASAP! It's the best!

Knitting?

2007-02-03T23:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, half the people who read this are probably gonna think I'm fruity, the other half won't care. Last month I decided to teach myself how to knit. I picked up a CD-ROM at the craft store, some knitting needles, and yarn. Learning the basics, esp. with the CD-ROM only took a night. However, it took a couple weeks of goofing up and starting over to get the hang of it.

Actually, it's a lot like programming a computer. You start out with basic stitches or building blocks. Depending on how you put them together, you end up with different patterns. How you put your patterns together, shape, size, etc. determines the finished product. Besides, what's cooler than making your own clothing? Better yet, ending up with something that is exactly the way you wanted it?

Originally I wanted to make some knucks. After about 12 attempts, each attempt progressively better and better, I decided to make some wash cloths and socks. The yarn I used to make the wash cloths was Red Heart Baby Teri. It's quite soft, and makes an excellent wash cloth once knitted up. The yarn is a bit pricey though, at $5 a skein. To offset the cost, I knitted several cloths and sold them to co-workers for $5 each. So basically I turned $5 into $25 which I used to buy more yarn. :D Now how cool is that?

As for the socks, I decided to make my first pair out of inexpensive yarn. I used Red Heart sport yarn. Its 100% acrylic so it's machine washable. It also holds heat in very well. The down side to acrylic is that it doesn't let your feet breath. So if your feet get too hot and sweat, it'll just hold that in. Luckily for me, I prefer my feet as hot as I can get them. The only time I remove my socks is when I'm taking a shower or going swimming.

To knit the sock, I used a number 4 U.S. 16 circular needle. The needle ends are actually rather short, so it was easy to work it in the round. Being a tube sock, I basically just cast on 44 stitches, did knit purl for the cuff ribbing, then did knit stitches for the rest of it. Knit stitches worked in the round comes out as stockinette stitch. For the toe, I decreased by one every 22 stitches until my needles were too large to decrease anymore. Then I switched to regular number 4 needles. I transfered my work to the new needles alternating them as i went. (from the circular needles, side one, side two, side one, side two, etc.) This leaves you with only one row of stitches on the new needle, closing the end of the sock. Then I just bound off as if to knit. Trim your tails, turn it inside out, and you have a tube sock.

The next pair of socks I am knitting will be made of 80% acrylic an 20% wool. This should keep them easy to wash as well as allow it to breath more, and add more stretch in the cuff. In time, I hope to replace all of my store bought socks with ones I've made myself. That way, if I'm unhappy with my socks, it'll be my fault. :)

Announcement 1-29-2007

2007-01-29T12:28:00.001-05:00

Ok so the updates have been a little slow coming lately, as well as the daily fortune. I've been busy with real life issues. But fear not, I am working on them. The next edition of Binary Hole is creeping along nicely, as well as a new cyberpunk fiction novel series. The goblin story is also being worked on. It's a lot to do, so please be patient with me.

The Daily Fortune

2007-01-05T01:29:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2007-01-04T01:28:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2007-01-03T01:27:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2007-01-02T01:26:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2007-01-01T01:25:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-31T01:23:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Bachelor:
A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

[databat@ebob ~]$

To Firefox!

2006-12-30T22:03:00.000-05:00

What's the best browser out there?! Firefox!! And yanno what's even cooler than it's safe browsing features? It's got the mother load of customization and Extensions!

Follow the link to begin your extension using days!
https://addons.mozilla.org/firefox/extensions/

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-30T01:19:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.
-- Robert B. Goodman
[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

[databat@ebob ~]$

Microsoft Bribes

2006-12-28T04:02:00.000-05:00

The cat is out of the bag, Microsoft is giving away free laptops to bloggers writing articles about Microsoft products. Could this set a precedent for other companies? Perhaps a new advertising business? Paying/bribing bloggers to write positive articles for your product? Or perhaps, will this get caught up in all the red tape that has been forming around the internet so far this decade.

While many people view these bribes as unethical, (and yes they probably are, esp. to those who are looking for unbiased reviews on said products, and haven't a clue what their reading is a paid ad) to the hard working sod who earns barely over minimum wage, and blogs in his spare time just to earn pocket change off Google AdSense, it's probably seen as a Christmas Bonus.

Read the original article for more details. Merry Christmas from Microsoft! :-)

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-28T02:37:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

[databat@ebob ~]$

Christmas 2006

2006-12-27T02:57:00.000-05:00

Christmas was a lot of fun this year, spending time with Mandy's family, and mine. Dad got me an economy model digital cam so I could post some pictures here. For some amusing pictures of our Christmas, click here.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-27T00:11:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

C Code.
C Code Run.
Run, Code, RUN!
PLEASE!!!

[databat@ebob ~]$

Slow Down!!!

2006-12-26T23:24:00.000-05:00

Well Christmas is over and the new year is on its way. Have you ever noticed how the year seems to be going faster and faster every year. I wish sometimes I could put on the breaks and just slow down. Remember how when you were a kid the days seemed to drag by. You spent your time wishing it was another day, you were another year older. Now you are another year older and you wish the days would go slower. I think we each have it in us to choose to slow down or to get caught up in the flow of things, losing ourselves in the process. I think this year I am going to do my best to slow things down.

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-26T00:01:00.001-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-25T00:47:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

-- Sydney J. Harris

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-24T01:24:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, he wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.

[databat@ebob ~]$

Fun For Girls and Boys!

2006-12-23T00:48:00.000-05:00

Ever want to make a sand sculpture? Well now here's your chance!!!
http://kopykat.com/sand.html

CyberGalsBlog: Installing RAM: From Arrogance To Humility In One Hour!

2006-12-23T00:12:00.000-05:00

My heart went out to her when I read this post. As much as I may joke about people not knowing what they're doing when it comes to computers, it's mainly because those people usually don't try. She tried her best, and with impaired vision. Props to you CyberGal. You have my respect and admiration. Congratulations on a job well done. Read her traumatic story.

CyberGalsBlog: Installing RAM: From Arrogance To Humility In One Hour!

Minimize Eye Strain

2006-12-22T23:52:00.000-05:00

Found this little gem whilst exploring the net. Very helpful. Click the title to view the full article on this guy's Blog.

Eyestrain is defined as an eye discomfort that can occur when the eyes tire after a prolonged visual task. Eyestrain can be manifested by headache or discomfort around the eyes.

These symptoms are never present when you wake, never accompanied by ultra-sensitivity to light, but is made worse by visual tasks like reading. Most often you may need a new pair of glasses or contact lenses, or the muscles that align the eyes are strained and needs a break. Health 24

Sitting several hours in front of your computers can be eye-straining. If you work at a computer for more then three hours a day you are likely to have symptoms of eye strain. This can be prevented however with these tips provided by Health 24:

1. Ensure that any close-up work or computer screen is not too close to your eyes. As a general rule, view material from as great a distance as possible, provided it can still be read easily.

2. Take frequent vision breaks (at least every hour) to relax your eye muscles. Try closing your eyes and relaxing for one minute. Other useful exercises may include rolling or blinking your eyes, or closing them tightly for a few seconds.

3. Changing focus is another way to relieve the eye muscles. Every 15 to 30 minutes, look across the room or out of the window at an object at least 6 m away, for at least 20 seconds.

4. You can tire your eyes if you have to look frequently between two objects placed at different focus distances. If more than one close-up focus area is needed (when you are using printed reference material and a computer screen simultaneously), keep the viewed objects at the same distance and as close to each other as possible. This helps to reduce focusing changes.

5. Workstations and lighting should be arranged to avoid direct and reflected glare anywhere in your field of vision. Place the computer or TV screen where there is no glare from windows or lights and keep screens clean and dust-free. Use a glare filter on the screen if lighting cannot be modified.

Binary Hole Issue #2

2006-12-22T05:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the second issue of Binary Hole. In this edition, we have several tasty articles for your viewing pleasure. First up, we have an interesting article about the mainstream media, and how they enjoy skewing the truth for fun and profit.

Next up, we have a helpful article on how to choose a shell account. It gets down to the nitty gritty. There are many options available, depending on your needs. This one is a must read if your thinking about getting one.

We also have a guide for employers jumping on the bandwagon and hiring hackers to work for them. This guide will hopefully enlighten them on proper care and feeding of their hackers. It might be a good idea to print that one out and drop on someones desk at your company. ;)

Then there is the in depth guide on IRQ's and Interrupt. The first few paragraphs will give you a brief explanation. Further in you'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about them, different types, etc.

Next we have an in depth article about DMA's, what they are, what they do, why, as well as the different speeds. Again, if you just want a simple answer, read the first couple paragraphs. If you're into fine details, read the entire thing.

And of course, we have our usual GPF and /dev/null sections for your viewing pleasure. Laugh until your sides hurt.

BH #2 - How to Feed and Care for your Hacker

2006-12-22T05:00:00.006-05:00

So you're thinking of hiring a hacker to help your business manage it's computer infrastructure. You've probably heard about other companies successfully hiring hackers. You also probably have some concerns about this. Won't the hacker break into all the computers, and steal sensitive company information just to profit? What if they do something illegal? There are a lot of misconceptions about hackers. This article attempts to clear those up, as well as help you understand a hacker.

First of all, I'll start by saying this. The media has had a field day with the word hacker. They've hyped it up to sinister creepy proportions. A hacker does not break into computers to steal information, only to profit from it. That is a criminal. Those people are often called crackers. Heads up, new terms. To understand this a bit easier, lets break things up into a top down food chain.

Hackers - These are at the top of our food chain. They are extremely analytical. They like to take things apart to see how they work. They think outside the box. They will look at a problem in many different ways from an unbiased point of view, evaluate many different ways to solve it choose the most secure, most efficient one, then recommend it, and/or implement it. All hackers have the ability to crack. However, hackers also have a sense of ethics. While they are able to point out security flaws, they will not use their knowledge to steal your information to sell to your competitor unless they are criminals, in which case they fall into a different category. Crackers can't hack, although a lot of them like to be called hackers, and enjoy the media attention they receive. Hackers are programmers. Some may be able to code in more programming languages than others. They may have also once programmed, but no longer do this. However, they still retain the same analytical thought process. Most hackers can, and do use a process called extreme programming. This is where they sit down and start writing code without planning it out. Some do light, general programming, then code in the details as they go. We'll get into this later on.

Phreakers - These are the telephone equivalent of hackers. They specialize in exploring the telephone system. There is a gray area in this group where the category of criminal and phreaker begins and ends. These people are extremely knowledgeable in the area of telecommunication. The criminal element uses their knowledge to rip off the telephone companies. The ethical group uses their knowledge to gain more knowledge, point out security flaws in the current systems, and urge those in charge to fix these flaws. These people also possess cracking skills. Some of these are also programmers. A person can be a hacker and a phreaker. (The term phreak is coined from phone and freak) These people may write software related to phreaking, or build electronic devices related to phreaking. These people are extremely electronic savvy. (as in chips and components electronics, low level stuff)

Crackers - These people haven't quite made it to hacker status. Some of them can program, but most of them that do possess programming knowledge fall into the Wares Dudes sub-category. These are the people who can, and do break into computer systems. They do not sell the information for profit, or exploit what they find unless they are criminals, which is a different category all together. These people crack passwords, accounts, serial numbers, etc. The skills required to do this are a subset of what is in the hackers arsenal. Crackers usually don't create new software from scratch, unless it is a utility to aid in the cracking process. The field of vision is narrow.

Wares Dudes - This is a sub-category of a cracker. These people specialize in defeating the serial, and various other copy protection schemes. Many of these people also distribute their cracked software on the net. Many of these people also fit into the criminal category. Script Kiddies - These are the people who are also called wannabe hackers or crackers. They download programs, utilities, scripts, etc. created by the crackers and hackers in an attempt to define themselves as a hacker. Most hackers at one time started out as a script kiddie. You tend to run into them in the hacker channels on IRC. These people tend to be young teens or actual kids, however, some never get past this status as they grow up. A good portion of these people also fit into the criminal group if they stay in this status for a while. This is because they have improper morals, ethics, and lack the knowledge to keep from getting caught.

Criminals - Some hackers, crackers, wares dudes, and script kiddies can fall into this catagory if they do not maintain a sense of ethics and morals. These are the people the media love to do stories about, and label them as hackers. In reality, these people are a very small portion of the hacker community, a small amount of the cracker community, and a larger (but still small) portion of the script kiddie community.

I've only scratched the surface of these different categories. In fact they can be broken down further, or organized a little differently, but the general idea will still hold true. These categories will serve the purposes of this article.

Now as for the hiring process, do you really want to hire a criminal? No one does. Treat that as you normally would when hiring a standard employee. You know, the usual resume, references, criminal background check, etc. Please note, it is possible for a criminal to reform. There have been some hackers, crackers, phreakers, etc. who have been arrested, served their time, released, and obtained good jobs where they use their knowledge ethically now. Some have ever started their own companies. Do not be biased when evaluating a potential employee. Ok, so you've hired a hacker. Wow, they're really weird aren't they? Of course they are. They don't think like your standard employee. They probably even dress strangely. Your hacker will wear what they feel comfortable in, unless you've made it clear up front that there is a certain dress code. If there is a special event, company function, etc. that will take place, feel free to ask your hacker to dress differently. Don't be rude. Just explain politely. They will be more than happy to accommodate you. However, for their everyday work, it is best to let them dress how they are most comfortable, They are more productive that way. If your hacker must interact with customers occasionally, or regularly, sit down and have a chat with them about it. Hackers are reasonable people. Unless you are a rude, demanding boss, you and your hacker will be able to work out a compromise.

My hacker occasionally wanders around, or stares blankly at the wall, *insert weird behavior instead of doing work here*, etc. Are they on drugs? Why are they doing this instead of working? What can I do about this? Ok, stop right there. Your hacker is working. He's thinking. Most likely, you've given your hacker a problem to work on. First your hacker will inspect the problem, gather all of the symptoms, what was recently done before the problem developed, etc After that, your hacker must analyze it all. Do not interrupt your hacker. They aren't on drugs. (Your company does do regular random drug screening right? For every employee? This shouldn't even cross your mind.) Your hacker is either listening to loud music, surfing the net, looking blankly at some object, wandering around aimlessly, etc. If you speak to your hacker while they are in this state, they will most likely ignore you unless you get in their field of vision. This is normal. Your hacker is actually thinking more about the problem, picturing what was done to cause the problem, and mentally applying various solutions to the problem, and evaluating what may go wrong with that solution, and it's probable outcome in fixing the problem. This is one of the things that makes your hacker more productive than a standard employee. Once the problem is fixed, feel free to discuss it with your hacker. He will attempt to explain it to you, but it may come out as an abstract explanation that is difficult to understand. Your hacker isn't trying to mislead you. Most hackers don't even realize what they are doing when they are in this extremely deep state of thought.

My hacker regularly misses breaks, and sometimes skips lunch, or takes breaks and lunches at weird times. This seems to be very anti-social. What's going on? Relax! You've probably given your hacker a problem to work on. Your hacker isn't being anti-social. In fact, most hackers are very social people. However, once a hacker gets started on something, they want to keep working on it until it is finished. This is normal behavior. Now I'm not telling you to let your hacker starve either. If you are truly concerned, when you go out to lunch, ask your hacker if they would like something to eat. Most will happily fork over some cash, and cover your gas for this service. You may also want to offer to let them eat at their desk. Don't worry about crumbs and such getting into your computers. Hackers detest such crud in their computers at home. While at work, they tend to view the equipment they are working on as "theirs" as well. It's a personal pride thing. They will take care of your equipment as if it were theirs.

I think I've upset my hacker, or I'm worried about upsetting my hacker. What do I do? Hackers are very different from regular employees. The things that motivate them are very different. Did you give your hacker a simple task to perform, like mundane data entry, or sweeping the floor? This is a good way to tick off your hacker. While you may have been choosing the closest person nearby, your hacker probably viewed it as an insult to their intelligence. They will get extremely bored while performing these tasks. Try not to give your hacker these simple tasks very often, or they will think you are mad at them. Instead, give them challenging things to do. They tend to view this as a reward instead of work. To them, their work is like play time. You can also reward your hacker with a pay raise. However, this can't always be done, depending on company policy, and the financial situation of the company. You can also reward your hacker with other perks, such as giving them old computer equipment that the company no longer uses buying them computer related books, caffeinated beverages, hot pockets, *insert hackers favorite snack food here*. It is generally a bad idea to promote your hacker to a non-technical managerial position. Hackers love hands on work. They will hate you if you force them to manage people instead of working on equipment. However, depending on the hacker, managing people while working on software and equipment is acceptable. That kind of promotion should be discussed with your hacker.

How can I make my hacker more productive? A good start would be to stock your hackers favorite caffeinated beverage in the break room. If cost is an issue, put a vending machine in there. Your hacker will be more than happy to pay a fair price. Most hackers consume highly caffeinated beverages regularly. A few go too far and consume too much however. If that becomes a problem, talk to your hacker about it. Most hackers only go through that issue once, and never repeat the mistake of consuming too much. (it tends to do bad things to the stomach) Hot Pockets, and various other microwaveable snack foods are also another good idea. (see above regarding missing breaks and lunches) Hackers tend to keep weird eating habits, usually due to working on a problem. Allow your hacker to listen to music with headphones. This helps them block out outside distractions. Allow your hacker to decorate their work area (within reason). A hacker is more productive when they feel comfortable. The same thing applies to the clothing issue. Let them be comfortable. You may also want to offer your hacker the option of telecommuting. Most hackers have a certain time of day, night, or somewhere in between where they are more productive. For this reason, hackers are better as being paid as salaried employees. Your hacker may work for 24 hours straight before sleeping. This happens when your hacker gets in their "zone", their mind is on the right track, and things get done very quickly. Having to stop working at a certain time wrecks this process, especially if your hacker usually gets into their zone at the end of their work day.

My hacker speaks to me, and everyone else in management as equals! They don't respect me! What can I do? Typically, the hacker isn't disrespecting you. In fact, they don't see management as above them. They view management as performing a different job within the company. If your hacker speaks to you as an equal, this is generally a compliment from your hacker. If you feel that your hacker doesn't respect you, it is most likely because you haven't shown your hacker any respect. A hackers respect must be earned. It isn't automatically given because of your title. You must get past this if you wish to have a productive business relationship with your hacker. If you feel that your hacker talks down to you, it is most likely because you are talking down to your hacker. This is an easy way to upset your hacker. They do not like to be treated like children. They will also quit because of this. The more stubborn ones will refuse to quit, and instead wait and see how long you'll continue disrespecting them before you either quit or admit you are wrong and change your behavior. Your hacker isn't trying to be your boss. They just want the space to do their job, and to feel that they are respected as a valued employee.

My hacker looks like crap! Are they going to drop dead on me? This is a valid concern. The number one reason they look like this the next day is probably because they have been working on a personal project at home all night, and didn't get any sleep. The fact that they showed up for work is proof enough that they aren't sick. They are just tired. They may also have the standard issues going on in life that your other employees are having. Your hacker will most likely discuss what's going on with you if you politely ask them in a private conversation. Your hacker may also have a sore back, wrist, etc. from working. It is a good idea to get your hacker a comfortable chair if they are sitting at a terminal most of the day. There are also wrist supports that can be purchased that help prevent repetitive stress medical issues. These would be a wise investment for all of your employees, as it will save in health insurance, and missed time at work. If your hacker calls in sick, they are really sick. Remember, your hacker loves their job. Missing work is like missing a vacation. Accusing them of otherwise will only upset your hacker.

I'm afraid my hacker will quit. What do I do? Investigate why they may want to quit. Is it a pay issue? Did they get a better job offer? A better job offer for a hacker may not just include a pay raise. It may also be a chance for them to work on equipment they have always wanted to work on, even if it is at a lower pay. Unless your company plans to upgrade, or offer your hacker enough money to stay, there isn't much you can do about this except to hire another hacker. While you give your hacker technical things to work on, your hacker may be leaving to accept their dream job. For hackers, these are always technical positions, but usually a hacker has one specific area they really enjoy with a passion. In this situation, there is nothing you can do to convince your hacker to stay. If you have treated your hacker fairly, they will leave a notice, an attempt to leave on good terms. Do not attempt to bully your hacker into staying. This is the number one thing that causes ethical hackers to turn criminal. They do it out of self defense. No it isn't right. But it isn't right for you to treat your hacker like crap because they are leaving either. In fact, your hacker may come to the end of his analysis thought process, and either walk out, or sue, depending on how much bullying you are doing. It would be more productive to either have your hacker train another employ on what to do until you hire another hacker, or hire another hacker and have your hacker show them what needs to be done.

In conclusion, depending on the technical aspects of your company, hiring a hacker may be very productive. O hire two so they will have someone to talk to, and relate to. Hackers just have a different set of guidelines to follow when dealing with them. These guidelines aren't set in stone however. Hackers are also people. As such, all people are different, therefore, all hackers are different. Act accordingly. I hope this article has cleared up a few misconceptions about hackers in general. There are also probably many out there that would disagree with me, especially with the categories I set forth above. Your mileage may vary. I welcome anyone to submit an article on the subject with their point of view on the subject. This article reflects my point of view based on personal experiences.

-=databat=-

BH #2 - Messy Media

2006-12-22T05:00:00.005-05:00

Most people today rely on television for their news. Most have either satellite, or cable. Fewer and fewer are using broadcast T.V. However, everything that is on broadcast can be found on cable and satellite. For the purposes of this article, I'm grouping all television sources together.

How many times have you watched the evening news, and saw something that just made your blood boil? Did your opinion match the message they news show was making on T.V.? Welcome to skewed news. We live in sad times where most of the news programs hype and slant their stories to a. improve ratings, and b. to agree with those who are paying the bills, and c. to agree with the big bosses, who are most likely the same as b.

Currently I use standard broadcast T.V. at home. However, I have been (un) privileged enough to watch cable news shows at a friends house, or satellite. I repeatedly see the same trends over and over. Most of the news programs are slanted towards the left. That isn't surprising once you research who owns those stations, networks, and who pays the bills. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not here to bash anyone. I would just like to point out that neutral journalism is difficult to achieve, and that we should all keep this in mind when watching the news. Some political slant in news stories is expected, as long as those reporting the news make it clear as to what is hard fact, and what is opinion.

The second thing that I constantly notice in the news is the proverbial beating a dead horse. By this I am referring to something that happens, that might not really be that Earth shattering, yet it ends up on every channel, interrupting the rest of the crap on T.V. (I'll get into the lack of decent programming a bit later)

Third, depending on who holds political office, the Government either gets praised, or beaten like a little kid with extra lunch money. Some of the following examples illustrates one, several, or all of these points.

My first example is when Pope John Paul II died, every media outlet made the story their top priority. For weeks afterward, all you heard was the Pope this, and the Pope that. Now I'm not knocking the Pope, or his importance to the Catholic religion. He is the leader of the Catholic church. But the man died! Burry him peacefully. Respect the family's wishes. Don't put the body on display for weeks! Don't turn it into a parade! If you want to see someone, see them while they are alive. Give them flowers while they are alive, and able to enjoy them. Honor and respect people while they are here to enjoy it. This is just a minor example. Keep reading.

My second example is about the events that took place before, during, and after September 11th in America. To truly understand this, we must look at America's attitude, and what we were all taught, and what truly happened. America was always taught to cooperate with hijackers. Before 911, most hijackers just wanted money, to escape, etc. They really didn't tend to harm people. We were all taught to cooperate to live. The hijackers had box cutters for crying out loud! Do you know how easy it is to disarm someone with a box cutter? Sure you may get cut. But grab someone's carry on luggage and beat the crap out of em. Poke the eyes, kick the groin. They'll drop that box cutter. The reason the hijackers were able to take over a plane was because American's let it happen. (I have a right to say this because I am an American) We were taught to let it happen. Now here's what all of the security advocates neglect to mention. Back then, box cutters were allowed on planes. The hijackers had the proper "fake" id. Research the net. Fake ID's aren't difficult to get. Back then airport security was doing it's job. However, after all of those people were killed on 911, the media took the story and had a field day with it. The media instilled fear into everyone. Draconian laws were passed by congress. Airport security was taken over by the government. This was done to appease the masses that cried out for the government to take care of them. Yes, some administrative jobs within the government were created. But a lot of jobs were lost when the private security companies passed the torch over to the government. A lot of the private security personnel was even hired by the government. They were trained according to the new government regulations regarding airport security. So as far as jobs go, it pretty much balanced out. As far as airport security goes, it seemed a lot like fixing something that wasn't really broken in the first place. I worked for TSA for a short time. I have great respect for them. It's a stressful job. (left that job due to ulcers btw) Not only do you have to keep up with the latest regulations from D.C. on how you are suppose to do your job, but you also have to keep a close eye on everything that is going on around you. Add to that the general public who cried out for the government to keep them safe, who also hate you because you must invade their privacy and search their belongings thoroughly. You tend to hear the typical, "Do I look like a terrorist?" While I worked there, I had to be polite in my responses. But now, this is my message to the public.

It was you (the public) who gave in to media hysteria. It was you who cried out to the government to keep you safe. It was you who agreed to give up your rights while flying in order to keep that safety. It is you who are paying for them to do their job. You are the reason they are there. Either get your friends together and have congress reverse the decision, or shut up and get over it!

Even the media has taken to this double standard. While working there, I had to come home every day and watch the "latest news" about TSA. What they're doing wrong, etc. Most of the regulations as to how they do their job is classified. Those regulations sometimes change weekly, or daily, depending on threat level, and the latest crap going through congress. Now how is the media, who is neither employed by TSA, or a member of congress, the ones to say whether or not they are doing their jobs properly? As of writing this article, I haven't worked for TSA in over two and a half years. No I won't discuss the policies that I had to follow either. I don't remember the NDA I had to sign, but I'm sure it's over by now. Those regs have probably already been changed. It would accomplish nothing, except to give fuel for the media zealots. The media instilled the fear into the public, and put it into everyone's head that the government should keep them safe. The public demanded that the government do this. The government did something about it. Now the media scrutinizes the government for what the media helped to create. The people need to wake up and read the Constitution of the United States, and the Bill of Rights. It was created to protect the people from the government. So why are the people rolling over and giving the government so much power? More importantly, don't the people that work for the government (the people that in effect, are our government) realize that these laws also apply to them?

Now you're probably thinking I'm holding a double standard by writing this article against the television media. Not so. They have a right to report and say what they wish. However, the public has a responsibility to research what is reported, to find the real story behind it, and form opinions for themselves instead of being lead by sheep.

"Amendment I : Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

This amendment gives the television media the right to say whatever they want. It also gives me the right to write this article speaking out against the television media. It also gives me the right to write to congress, various government officials, etc. addressing my issues with the laws that have been, or are about to be passed. Sadly however, when someone's first amendment rights are violated, most American's keep quiet, and let it happen. STOP!!! Each time you give up one of your rights, you are telling them it is ok to further violate your rights. When will the line be drawn? When we live in a dictatorship? Again, I blame the people for not fighting some of the draconian laws that exist today limiting free speech. Again I blame the people for not fighting when their rights are violated. Take your case through the system, and appeal if needed. Take it up to the supreme court. That's why it exists!

"Amendment II: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

This does not specifically give us the right to carry a gun anywhere we wish. However, it does give us the right to arm ourselves with a weapon to defend ourselves, and for the states to form their own private militia (army) to protect that state against the government and/or foreign invaders should the need arise. I bring up this amendment specifically in relation to the plane hijackings in 911. While at the time you were not allowed to carry a firearm on a plane, (never a good idea to shoot a hole in the plane your flying in) it gives you the right to use any other tool available to defend yourself. The passengers on the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center did not exercise this right. Instead they did what they were always taught and cooperated. Not only did they die in the crash, but by their inaction, many other lives were lost. The plane that crashed over Pennsylvania, they exercised this right. Perhaps a bit too late to save their pilot, but they did exercise it. Their plane crashed and they died. However, that plane never reached it's target, and lives were saved. For the people on that plane, I humbly salute them, and hope that if I am ever faced with that choice, that I will have enough courage to exercise that right. They were true Americans.

"Amendment IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Remember the Patriot Act that was hastily passed? It has been the center of controversy in many forums. I do not completely agree with this act. However, it has it's merits. Have you ever taken time to actually read it? Most of it actually attempts to clarify other laws. In the rare cases where it was used wrongfully, the system worked, and the courts sorted it out. However, it does open the door for the government to further encroach upon our freedoms later on. Read carefully, and always stay informed. Any new law is always tested to it's limit. As of the time of writing, the text of the US PATRIOT ACT can be found here.

http://www.epic.org/privacy/terrorism/hr3162.html

It's a long read so be prepared. The media has also blown this one out of proportion, as well as spreading FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt). (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt) This act is up for review soon, and with the nudging of your congressperson, the fuzzy parts will be sorted. (hint hint, write congress, let them know how you feel) My biggest gripe with it, is that it is extremely wordy, and difficult to understand. This in turn makes it difficult to interpret, which leads to people spreading FUD. It also makes great fuel for anti-government groups. (in my opinion, the DMCA is a bigger threat than the PATRIOT ACT, esp. since we already had the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986, but I'll save that one for a future article) Check your local library, internet, etc. and please read and understand your constitutional rights. I've spent far too much time on this paragraph already and strayed a bit off topic. Let's move on.

Me personally, I'm not against government. I'm against oppressive government however. Our current system works. It's not without it's speed bumps. It takes time for new laws to be tested in court, revised, and eventually sorted out. The T.V. media outlets often take this process and hype it to get viewers to watch their show, so that they can in turn get more paid advertisements.

Another good example of media hype would be the war in IRAQ. For a while all I ever heard about was when a soldier would get killed, and I still hear about it. However, when you research the total number of American casualties in the IRAQ war versus the number of deaths in peace time training accidents, health problems, etc. There's not much of a difference. Yet you hear about all of our brave men and women getting killed. Please... In every war there are casualties. Me personally, I'd rather die fighting for what I believe in than in a freak training accident. The media needs a clue. It would be nice sometime to turn on the T.V. and see a story about the botanical gardens, or the latest and greatest *insert interesting invention here*. Ya know, news you could learn something from instead of listening to your neighbors cringe in fear, stockpile weapons, food, and water in their bomb shelters, etc. Or how about reporting on the SCO vs. *insert long list here* case. Most likely, they'd twist the facts on all of it. Ya know, a cannibalistic flower in the gardens, new invention kills little old lady then eats inventor, SCO poised to take over the world. *sigh*

Perhaps when we all turn off the T.V., go outside and do something enjoyable, get rid of the pasty deathlike skin tones, and the T.V. networks loose enough money to where they have to start listening to their viewers again. But always remember, you still have the freedom of press. Start your own magazine, website, or if you have enough funding, television station. Participate in various forums to voice your concerns. Even if you don't agree with everything I've mentioned in this article, please voice your opinions. The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Don't willingly give up your rights! Don't willingly give up your freedom to think for yourself! Don't be lead by others! Don't even believe everything in this article! Research it for yourself!

-=databat=-

Note: The views in this article are solely my own and do not represent the views of anyone else. Your mileage may vary.

BH #2 - /dev/null

2006-12-22T05:00:00.004-05:00

If something you've written or done has made it here, then gratz! You're a knob head lamer who doesn't know a dough nut hole from a hole in the ground. Doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy that we thought of you!?!? Some of these responses to the lame e-mails may be real, some may be dramatizations. Your mileage may vary.

== The following is a security white paper I received via e-mail from Insight. This company sells various computer related products to their customers. Basically you call the rep, give him the name/part number of what you want, and they find it for ya and send you a quote. Generally their prices are a little higher than what you can easily find on your own, but you're paying to have the legwork done for you. They can be a real time saver in business when your pressed for time. I have used them before with good results. They have even offered to beat a competitors prices when they could, so I have no problem with using their services. However, I do have issues with the white paper they sent me.

It appears to be targeted to I.T. managers, instead of the bit-heads in the trenches who do the grunt work. I've broken down the text of the white paper as well as my responses to each one. Please note, my responses are my opinions based on actual work experience. Your mileage may vary.

EMAIL SECURITY: A HOLISTIC APPROACH FOR SMBSA
White Paper Prepared by Insight

INSIGHT
68s0 S. Harl Ave.
Tempe, Arizona 85283

Many people call email the 'killer app' driving the growth of computer use and increased productivity among organizations of all sizes.

== Are you kidding? With e-mail subject lines that read hlp plz, and all of the spelling errors in most e-mails, it's quite clear that the general public is clueless about sending e-mail. It even leads one to wonder if these people are literate. The web, now that's THE killer app. Any primate can point and click their way to low IQ digital happiness. When you mention the net to most users, they instantly think WEB, or Internet Explorer. Poor saps...

However, an escalating array of Internet viruses and email spammers are generating a continuous stream of security threats that could seriously cripple their operations. In fact, one email scanning company recently reported that 86.3% of the corporate email that it reviewed in June was spam, resulting in over 790 million messages being blocked.

== Actually it's virii, not viruses. However, at this point it's a lost cause. The uninformed grossly outnumber the informed and educated. As far as the e-mail company reports, thats also an idiotic point. Almost all so called spam filters will also filter legit e-mail. Ever wait for days expecting an important e-mail from someone only to realize it was sent but never received? Up above is your answer. It's one of those 790 million messages. Be sure to keep a list of the companies listed in this white paper, so that you too may send them your most sincere thanks. :-/

Small and mid-size businesses (SMBSs) are especially vulnerable to these attacks because of their heavy reliance on Microsoft operating systems and applications that are the targets of many viruses. SMBSs also have limited in-house security skills and resources to combat these threats.

== Oh joy, another senseless acronym. C'mon Insight. We've got more than enough of these. Why create another stupid buzz word for the corporate zombies to toss around blindly just to wow their bosses? You could have just used the word businesses after your first use of Small and mid-size businesses and avoid the use of an acronym. What about companies, or organizations, etc.? Go buy a thesaurus, they aren't that expensive ya know!

While many Internet service providers (ISPs) are responding to these email issues by adding a variety of anti-spam and virus features to their portfolios, these offerings haven't reduced the volume of spam for many end-users or created a fully effective firewall against the various viruses being launched on a daily basis.

== Hmm, interesting, first you mention the amount of blocked e-mails, then a bit later mention that these methods aren't reducing the volume of spam. It's obviously not working. However, it is certainly fattening the old portfolio of said companies, giving them more crap to cram down America's pie hole. As far as firewalls, that doesn't exactly fit. A firewalls use is to block unwanted internet traffic. It is not for filtering internet content. Yes a firewall can be used to prevent the spread of internet worms by blocking the ports that those worms like to use to spread, but it will not stop a virus. A virus does not understand what the internet is. A worm does. A worm crawls through the internet to infect. A virus does not. A virus spreads through files shared between computers, floppies, etc. Yes they both infect, but the method of delivery is different. I suggest you research virii, trojans, worms, etc. before writing another paper.

Compounding these challenges are new federal regulations that are setting higher privacy and corporate financial reporting and storage compliance standards for SMBs.

== Oh yea, that's gonna work well, just like it already has. Next time you open an e-mail in Outlook with the subject: I love you, politely inform the worm that there are federal laws that prohibit it from infecting your computer. I'm sure it will be happy to comply with federal law. The people sending the spam and writing the virii, trojans, etc. don't give a flying piranha about federal law. They only care about making money, intellectual challenge, fame, etc. That's why they do these things. Federal regs will only make it legal to prosecute these people, and allow law enforcement to throw them in jail. Others of their kind will see this, rebel, and redouble their efforts. In effect, you are turning it into a cause for them to fight for. Here's a thought, pass laws forcing companies that sell software for profit to secure their software. Allow those companies to be held liable for damages caused by poor security methods implemented in their software. Sure you'll see fewer releases of software, but they'll be of outstanding quality.

These regulations, along with the inability of ISPs to fully address the growing number and complexity of email issues, have convinced many SMBs it is time to take greater responsibility for protecting their information technology (IT) and business operations.

== They should have implemented security when they first designed and installed their networks. Why rely on another company to secure your company? They don't care if you make money! They only care if they make money!

This white paper is intended to serve as a guide for SMBs seeking to improve their safeguards against today's email security threats. It will show how to acquire the right security technologies, and implement the right organizational policies, procedures and practices to strengthen your defense against external and internal attacks on valuable business data.

== Translation, this paper is something for your boss to read over, scratch his head, learn a few acronyms and buzz words to throw around to impress his boss, then come and worry the crap out of you about all the stuff you take care of already that he's clueless about.

TODAY'S EMAIL SECURITY THREATS - HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY?

SMBs are increasingly reliant on email and the Internet to serve their customers, communicate with partners and meet their business objectives. Unfortunately, Gartner -- a leading IT researcher -- predicts 40% of SMBs that manage their own network security and use the Internet for more than email will experience a harmful IT security attack through 2005. And more than half of the affected SMBs won't even know they were attacked and will pass the viruses along to their customers, partners, and others.

== Oooh goody, we now have internet psychics predicting that we'll be attacked. Maybe they're the ones doing the attacking? (might as well jump on the paranoia internet terrorists bandwagon and look like idiots ourselves right?) Actually, upper management should talk to their IT experts. You know, the workers in the trenches that are already fending off internet attacks, and defending the networks for the guys sitting in the cushy offices playing the latest release of Doom. Show em a little appreciation on their next paycheck eh? Or invite em to one of your Doom matches with the other execs, unless of course you're afraid of the geek wiping the floor with ya!?!? (look out if he brings his own gamepad hehe)

Email spam, or unsolicited commercial email, consumes a SMB's valuable network bandwidth and wastes precious employee time. The sheer volume of spam -- now estimated to be over half of many people's daily email traffic -- can be overwhelming. But it is more than just a hassle. It is also a vehicle for transporting computer viruses.

== Wastes employee time? Oh now that's funny, less than a second to delete an e-mail with the subject line that says "get Viagra now!" What about all the time we have to waste teaching someone how to click the mouse, fixing a "messed up printer" by filling up the paper tray when it's empty, plugging cables back into the computer after the user fidgets incessantly and kicks them out, etc. Sure e-mail can transport virii, but that's what automatic virus/e-mail scan is for.

MessageLabs scans email on behalf of 8,500 customers. In June 2004, 86.3% of all inbound corporate email scanned by MessageLabs was spam. The company says it stopped nearly 792 million spam emails in one month, translating to 1 out of every 1.16 emails being categorized as spam. This spam figure is up dramatically from a year ago, when 38.5% of email was categorized as spam.

== Oh that's nice. Giving the world the number of clients you service. Why don't you just hold up a sign that says, "Attack here for sensitive corporate info about many corporations."

Indeed, spam volumes have grown steadily in the first four months of 2004. MessageLabs data shows that spam rose from representing 52.8% of all email in March to 67.6% in April, 76.1% in May and 86.3% in June. Also in June, MessageLabs stopped 97 million viruses. That figure means that 9.3% of all email - or 1 out of every 10.7 emails - contains a virus. The virus figure is also up from June 2003, when 1 in 125 email was infected with a virus. MessageLabs recorded 1 in every 10.58 emails was infected in April, 1 in 10.96 emails was infected in May and 1 in 10.7 emails was infected in June.

== *snore* We already know spam and virii are problems.

Another indication of the growing email threats comes from anti-spam vendor Postini Inc. which recently reported is now rejecting more than half (53 percent) of all attempts to send email to its customers, due to increased activity from home computers that have been turned into "zombies" that unknowingly send spam email to others.

== That would be the result of internet worms.

In recent months, many new viruses have been hidden in spam messages that include ZIP files to fool anti-virus software. The ZIP files compress the viruses to evade the anti-virus software and deceive the email recipients into "unzipping" the attachments and infecting their computer systems.

== C'mon, ever since the late 90's, and possibly before then, anti-virus software has been able to scan the files withing compressed archives. Whatever brand you're using, it needs a quick trip to file 13, and you need a trip to the software vendor, or perhaps college to learn a bit more about information technology.

For instance, a new version of the Bagle email worm, called Bagle.AG, was detected as it began to spread through standard file folders and in email messages. Email messages created by the new Bagle worm used forged or "spoofed" sender addresses and odd subject lines such as "Re:", "Lovely animals" and "Screen." These messages also included worm-infected file attachments in ZIP, EXE, SCR and other common formats with names such as "More info," "Details" and "Readme." When opened, Bagle.AG harvests the recipient's email addresses stored on the infected computer's hard drive and installs its own SMTP (Simple Mail Transfer Protocol) engine, which is used to send out large volumes of infected email messages to other computers.

== Forging e-mail isn't that difficult. E-mail is insecure by design Anyone dumb enough to be using unencrypted e-mail for important corporate information should be fired and denied welfare. As for more accurate information on the Bagle.AG worm, take a look at
http://www3.ca.com/securityadvisor/virusinfo/virus.aspx?id=39846

OTHER COMMON INTERNET AND EMAIL SECURITY THREATS

Spoofing

There are varying forms of spoofing. Email spoofing is when email is forged so the "From" address conceals the true address of the sender and permits the transmission of illicit messages. Protocol (IP) spoofing is when a hacker creates packets that look as though they have come from an acceptable IP address to permit viruses to pass through firewall security and initiate an attack on a computer or local area network (LAN). IP spoofing attacks can be difficult to detect and often require specialized skills and systems to monitor and analyze IP traffic.

== Typically you forge e-mail, you spoof packets. Again, learn your terminology before you attempt to write a white paper. As for detecting these, view all headers in your e-mail software, and use tcpdump on your incoming internet packets. (your company's network admin should already possess these skills)

Denial of Service (DOS) Attacks

These are systematic attacks intended to overload and disrupt a network service, Web or file server, or other computing devices. These programs probe IP addresses looking for unprotected systems to take control of address books and set off mass email transmissions.

== Ok, I call BS on this one. Denial of Service attacks do not probe your network. These attacks only have one purpose. To swamp your servers with connection requests so that legitimate users are unable to connect. This denies them of service, hence the name. Denial of Service attacks do not include stealing your address book. Internet worms, virii, and trojans take care of that quite well. Usually Denial of Service attacks are used on web servers, or on people who earn the wrath of specific groups on IRC. They are very childish, and retain the stigma of "script kiddie".

Phishing

Hackers use email to troll for email addresses that they can replicate, or forge, to direct other email user to illegitimate Web sites or compromised sites where the hackers can obtain personal information to commit identity fraud.

== Hackers do not steal anything. Criminals do. I see the mainstream media has gotten to these people as well. They don't troll either. Trolling is when you post comments on a message board for the sole purpose of angering people, which usually starts a flame war. Collecting e-mail addresses for spamming purposes is called *drum roll please* data mining, or harvesting.

Although most of the IT security threats that are gaining attention today are associated with external email spam and internet viruses, Gartner estimates 70% of all attacks that cause more than $50,000 in damage involve a person working within an organization. Disgruntled employees intentionally trigger some of these attacks, but most are caused unintentionally by loyal workers.

== Why don't you hire competent network admins, educate your employees on the proper use of technology, and use a secure operating system. Your damage dollar amount will drop considerably. (Unless of course you enjoy inflating that number for court cases like certain other companies that we won't mention here)

The business costs to a SMB if an email spammer forges its web domain or a hacker uses its domain name to phish for email addresses can be enormous. Not only is its corporate reputation harmed, but new government regulations could make companies liable for not properly securing their email and Internet systems. In addition, employees can sue their employers if they believe the organization intentionally ignored offensive email.

== Again with the attack on hackers.. blech. I bet the guy who wrote this was kicked out of the #hackers channel on IRC for claiming he ph0wned a Gibson and copied a garbage file. Someone copying your entire website rarely happens. You generally have to make someone extremely angry. These attempts almost always fail. Regularly search for your site in the search engines if you worry about this happening. If they jack your domain name, that's your fault for using simple passwords. Most registrars also provide security procedures to prevent this. As for your employees getting offended from e-mail, tell them to grow up or find another job. They didn't have to open that e-mail. The sender is clearly marked. If you don't recognize who it's from, delete it. If it has a fishy subject line, delete it. If you're offended that easily, then you probably don't watch T.V. either. Prime Time is generally on par with most of the e-mails you receive. Hey, how about we sue the television networks for airing offensive content? *grin*

WHY ARE SMBS PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE?

Microsoft's operating systems and applications have become a primary target for hackers and virus perpetrators because they have numerous vulnerabilities and command the greatest market share. SMBs are disproportionately affected by these attacks on Microsoft operating systems because:

== of course, Microsoft has been providing shoddy security for the masses since the early DOS days. As long as you keep buying the crap, they'll keep making the crap. Upgrade to a real OS like FreeBSD or Linux.

90% of SMBs are running Microsoft Windows on their desktops, laptops and servers

== True (Mindless point and click for the lusers) Ok yea I know everyone who uses some flavor of windows isn't brainless. You can get the same functionality out of some form of *nix with XFree86 and a slew of window manager choices that are way more secure than any Microsoft product will ever be.

80% of SMBs are using Microsoft Outlook and Exchange for email

== True (for the Outlook part, however Exchange is the worst e-mail server software ever written. It has more holes than swiss cheese)

70% of SMBs are using Microsoft SQL databases

== False (mySQL is cheaper, more secure, and provides better performance)

SMBs also lack the technology skills and experience to keep pace with the continuous stream of new viruses and hacking techniques that threaten their operations.

== Part of this is in the hiring process, the other part is in the clueless management that doesn't understand the technology, and either ties the hands of the guy who actually secures the server in the name of usability, something comfortable management is familure with vs. something that is more secure, and in some cases it's just an ego issue, depending on your
boss your mileage may vary)

SMBs are being compelled to combat spam not only because of its potential harm to their computer systems, but also because the explicit sexual content of many spam messages can be offensive to many people. Therefore, SMBs that fail to implement anti-spam measures can be seen as promoting a poor working environment that could be liable for potential sexual
harassment suits.

== Again, prime time T.V. is much worse. Just delete the crap without reading it if it gets past your spam filters. Honestly, if you get offended that easily, join a convent.

Implementing the latest anti-virus software and security protection systems can prevent many internal and external threats. But, these security solutions have to be updated regularly to keep up with new viruses and spam threats. This requires strong technical skills and stringent organizational processes governed by comprehensive security policies that reflect a SMB's business priorities.

== AV software requires no skills to update. Just renew the subscription and leave auto-update enabled. Firewalls and software patches aren't that much more challenging for Windows based computers. Alternate OS's are still rather easy to update, depending on the admin IQ level.

TECHNICAL SAFEGUARDS AGAINST EMAIL SECURITY THREATS

There are a number of technologies that can be acquired to protect SMBs from email spam and Internet viruses. The following are some of the most important technologies.

Firewalls

Firewalls are aimed at establishing a protective shield around the perimeter of your corporate network or to partition portions of the network for security reasons. Firewalls hide the identities of computers within your network to make it harder for criminal hackers to targetindividual machines. A firewall is a system designed to prevent unauthorized access to or from a corporate network via the Internet. Some firewalls examine and filter information packets that flow in and out of the network to make sure they are legitimate.

== Firewalls do not block spam, they block connection attempts and malformed packets. They can also be used to prevent your users from using instant messaging services, or force them to go through a web proxy so management can monitor their browsing habits. (Big Brother anyone?)

Firewalls can be implemented using hardware or software, and can vary in price from less than $100 to over $10,000, depending on the size and complexity. SMBs can also outsource their firewall perimeter security to an outside-managed security service provider.

== Why anyone would want to outsource a firewall is beyond me. If your company is that strapped for cash, turn a desktop into a linux firewall. Your only cost is the hardware, and paying the employee for setup, configuration, and upkeep of the system.

Anti-Virus Software

Anti-virus software is also necessary to protect against infectious files moving within a corporate network and disrupting business operations, corrupting computer files or destroying valuable data. Most of the popular anti-virus software include update services to ensure organizations can combat the latest viruses. However, these software packages require continuous updating to be effective.

== Again, auto update, mark when you need to renew on the calander, and act accordingly. It's really a no-brainer.

And, although many of the anti-virus software packages can be relatively inexpensive, they can also be complicated to use. For instance, when the software identifies a potential problem it may not be clear about how an organization should resolve the issue. Therefore, many organizations rely on their ISPs or independent email hosting services to handle their security requirements.

== Complicated? Repair, quaranteen, delete, those are your three options. Those are always your options. Flip a coin if it's that difficult for you! Autoscan will prevent your files from becoming infected, and e-mail scan will give you your three options when it finds something.

Email Services

Since most SMBs rely on their ISPs to supply them Internet access and email service, they have also become reliant on the ISPs' spam control and anti-virus capabilities.

Nearly every major ISP has implemented anti-spam technologies to block unwanted messages from their networks before they reach users. They have also recently taken measures to limit spam from originating within their networks. ISPs have discovered that one of the important methods of cutting down the volume of outgoing spam is to filter email sent via Port 25, a gateway that pumps internet email past an ISPs server. This approach forces users to send email through the ISP's mail server, allowing the ISP to monitor traffic flowing over its network.

== Oh yea that's a lovely fix, block port 25. And if your company ever wants to setup their own e-mail server, they're stuffed until that port is unblocked. Your company should be the one that holds that power through their firewall, not another company you pay.

New government regulations are placing more of the responsibility of controlling spam on ISPs. This regulatory movement may help to reduce unwanted spam or dangerous viruses, but they may also restrict email traffic as ISPs create filters that may block harmless messages that look
suspicious.

== While I don't agree with more government regulation, I do agree with the last part of that statement. A lot of these filters are poorly designed, and block legitimate e-mails. Even without government regulation, ISP's will want to filter out this unwanted traffic to make more bandwidth available for potential customers. Capitalism works. Regulation robs
freedoms.

ORGANIZATIONAL SAFEGUARDS AGAINST SECURITY THREATS

Most IT security experts agree that implementing firewalls and anti-virus software is just a starting point. Another essential ingredient in combating spam and viruses is educating computer users about how to properly use email and avoid the various traps created by hackers on the Internet. This education process needs to be supported by a set of security policies that clearly state an organization's rules for utilizing email and Internet access.

== Agreed. Education is key. However, hackers do not create these traps. Criminals do. There is a clear distinction between the two.

Yet, according to Gartner less than half of small enterprises and approximately a third of mid-size enterprises have a written security policy. This is generally due to a lack of in-house skills and experience establishing security goals, objectives, budgets and execution plans. Many SMBs don't know how to develop security policies that define the rules and responsibilities of staff when it comes to safeguarding against email or Internet threats.

== Again, part of the problem is in the hiring process, the other portion is upper management making decisions that they are clueless about. Ask the guy hunched over the keyboard with bloodshot eyes, and stacks of *insert favorite caffeinated beverage here* beside them. They'll tell you what needs to be done policy wise to secure the network.

In order to effectively combat these threats, SMBs must set policies to prevent their computer users from accepting email with potentially dangerous attachments or downloading dangerous files from the Internet. These policies should be re-enforced by properly configuring company email servers and security software.

== Agreed

Finally, the security policy should include a thorough education program to make employees aware of the organization's security goals and objectives, the business benefits of maintaining a secure IT environment, the potential cost of IT disruptions, proper email behavior and computer techniques, and employee penalties for security infractions.

== Fire the idiot who clicks yes on every popup they run across. You know, Joe Dimwit who doesn't have any business even looking at a computer cross eyed. I'm not talking about the users who are willing to learn either. I'm talking about the idiots who "know it all" yet always break everything. Every company has had at least one at some point.

LEVERAGING OUTSIDE EXPERTS IS THE BEST PROTECTION

As we've seen, establishing and maintaining a secure IT environment is both a technical and organizational challenge. Having the right security skills and resources is as important as having the right security systems and software. It is for these reasons that many SMBs turn outside IT security experts for help. But it takes more than periodic visits from an IT contractor to combat the continuous threat and distraction of email spam and Internet viruses.

== I totally disagree here. Turning to an outside company to secure your network is a bad idea. Why don't you just give them the keys to the building, or hand over your customer info. Although, it may be helpful to hire an outside company to "test" your network from the outside, then give you a report of their findings. This will let your IT department know what needs work.

In addition to providing specialized security skills, IT security experts can also provide an independent, objective opinion regarding the right combination of security technology and policies to fit a SMB's business requirements. For instance, single-office SMBs with limited electronic interaction with their customers and business partners will have different security requirements than SMBs with multiple offices regular communications with outsiders.

== Yes, every company will have different needs. Your mileage may vary.

SMBs must also identify the right combination of outside security resources. It may be impractical for some SMBs to contract with individual security consultants, purchase various security products from multiple vendors and rely on separate ISPs to satisfy their email and Internet access needs. Therefore, many SMBs are establishing strategic sourcing agreements with solution providers that offer a combination of consulting skills, technology products and Internet services.

== Another way to look at the big picture, the company that hosts your website and database on their servers will generally provide good security because they don't want their network broken into. However, the guy you pay to come in from another company to work on your systems, and secure your network only cares about that paycheck when he's done. What's to stop him from installing back doors? What about that company's hirng policy? Do they hire convicted criminals? Just something to think about.

AN EMAIL SECURITY CHECKLIST

The following steps can help a SMB establish an effective security program and select the right set of security products and services to satisfy their business needs.

- Evaluate corporate email and Internet access requirements
- Determine business impact of current level of spam and virus disruption
- Measure the business benefits of reducing spam volume and virus threats

= there are always benefits to virus prevention and fighting spam. Duh!

- Assess existing in-house security policies, skills and technology
- Evaluate security capabilities of current technology suppliers and ISPs
- Develop strategic sourcing approach for addressing ongoing security requirements

== Again, depends on the type of sourcing. But for the most part, the list is pretty good, if a bit wordy.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Email security has become a serious concern for SMB executives, end users and IT managers. As the volume of email spam and Internet viruses escalates, it is nearly impossible for most SMBs to keep pace with today's IT security threats.

== Impossible only to those who treat their employees like crap, tie the hands of their network admins, and pay poor wages.

Implementing the latest security products alone to protect against these threats will not overcome this challenge. In fact, just keeping this technology current is an increasingly daunting task. In order to combat today's security threats on their own, SMBs must have dedicated and specialized staff with the right security expertise and business awareness to select, implement and fully utilize the security products and services. Few SMBs can afford to hire this kind of staff on a full-time basis and contracting with individual security consultants won't ensure the continuity of security necessary to safeguard against email spam and Internet viruses on an ongoing basis.

== The last portion of the above paragraph seems to agree with my previous statements in a round about way, which also contradicts his own previous paragraphs referring to outsourcing. Guess the writer was getting tired at this point. Me, I can go for hours yet. *looks over at the stacks of Mt. Dew cans and grins*

The best approach is to develop a strategic sourcing arrangement with an IT solution provider with in-depth security expertise and the ability to implement the latest end-to-end security products to ensure that a SMB's entire set of IT security requirements are covered.

== Looks like he finally broke out the thesaurus for that last paragraph. Very wordy. Buzz words and potential buzz words. The execs will eat that up!

For more information about implementing the right security policies and technologies in your organization to achieve your business objectives, contract Insight at www.insight.com or 800.INSIGHT.

== Ah, the company that wrote this white paper conveniently sells "solutions". Another one of those fun little buzz words that upper management loves to throw around to impress each other. After reading this, I think I'm gonna puke...

Insight and the Insight logo are registered trademarks of Insight Direct USA, Inc. All other trademarks, registered trademarks, photos, logos and illustrations are the property of their respective owners. (c) 2004, Insight Direct USA, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

== In short, this white paper reads more like a FUD campaign to drum up business. C'mon insight. You can do a lot better than this. Just stick to the facts and do your best to sell at the lowest price possible while still making money. The market will vote with it's dollars. Heck, you could even do better with sending e-mail specials to customers based on their past orders. That will certainly get you a lot further than this tripe. Oh, and just a little hint, IT people tend to use word of mouth and e-mail each other as to who has the better deals. Pass that along to your marketing department.

-=databat=-

BH #2 - IRQ's and Interrupts, More Than You Ever Wanted to Know

2006-12-22T05:00:00.003-05:00

If you tinker with computers long enough, you will eventually hear about IRQ's and interrupts. Yes, more acronyms. But what the heck are they? Well, most likely if your an old schooler from way back in the DOS days, when your parents had to walk five miles to school and back in the snow uphill both ways (yea yea lame old age joke), you probably have an idea of what they do, or at least know they are of some importance. This article will attempt to demystify them.

The best place to begin our story is at the beginning, in the early days of PC's. I'm talking real early, when PC's had Intel 8085, 8086, and 8088 processors. These machines also had Programmable Interrupt Controllers. (PIC's) These handy dandy chips acted as a traffic cop of sorts. They handled input from the various other hardware devices sitting on the system bus, and decided who got the processors attention and when. These original PIC's were made by Intel, dubbed the 8259 family. There were several types of these made, but I won't go into the various differences of them, as they are minor. This chip acts as a multi-plexer.It combines multiple hardware interrupt inputs into a single interrupt output to interrupt one device. The device that gets interrupted in your computer is the processor. (Today these chips are built in as part of the Southbridge chipset on x86 compatible motherboards.) These chips were created to take care of a performance bottleneck in early computing design.

Before these chips were created, computer processors had to poll each hardware device to see if it needed something processed. This resulted in a lot of wasted processing power. PIC's allow the processor to continue number crunching until a hardware interrupt is encountered. The processor will then take care of the request, then go about it's business. The main connectors on an 8259 chip consisted of 8 interrupt input request lines labeled IRQ0 through IRQ7, an interrupt request output line labeled INTR, an interrupt acknowledgment line labeled INTA, and D0 through D7 for communicating the interrupt level or vector offset. (An interrupt vector is the memory address of an interrupt handler, or an index into an array called an interrupt vector table or dispatch table. Interrupt vector tables contain the memory addresses of interrupt handlers. When an interrupt is generated, the processor saves its execution state via a context switch, and begins execution of the interrupt handler at the interrupt vector.) It also had CAS0 through CAS2 for cascading between two chips. (connecting multiple 8259's together to obtain more interrupts) Up to eight slave 8259s may be cascaded to a master 8259 to provide up to 64 IRQs. They are cascaded by connecting the INT line of one slave 8259 to the IRQ line of one master 8259.

The 8259A's Registers

A register is a small area of static RAM that the chip is able to access very quickly, as well as manipulate. They can come in different sizes, from 8-bit, 16-bit, 32-bit, 64-bit, and so on. The 8259A has three 8-bit registers that determine its behavior: the IMR (Interrupt Mask Register), the ISR (In-Service Register), and the IRR (Interrupt Request Register). The bits of these registers are numbered 0 through 7, where 0 is the least significant and 7 is the most significant bit. Each bit of each of these registers corresponds to the respective interrupt pin on the PIC. That is, bit 7 corresponds to IRQ 7, bit 6 corresponds to IRQ 6, and so on.

The IMR. This register lets the programmer disable or "mask" individual interrupts so that the PIC doesn't interrupt the processor when the corresponding interrupt is signaled. For an interrupt to be disabled, its corresponding bit in the IMR must be 1. To be enabled, its bit must be 0. Interrupts can be enabled or disabled by the programmer by reading the IMR, setting or clearing the appropriate bits, then writing the new value back to the IMR.

The IRR. This register indicates when an interrupt has been signaled by a device. As soon as a device signals an interrupt, the corresponding bit in the IRR is set to a 1. This register can only be modified by the PIC and its contents usually aren't important to the programmer. It can be used to tell which interrupts are waiting to be serviced.

The ISR. This register indicates which interrupts are currently being serviced (i.e., which ISRs have begun execution and have not yet finished). A 1 bit indicates that the corresponding ISR is currently in-service. Several interrupts can be in-service at the same time because of interrupt nesting. The PIC uses this register to determine the highest priority of the interrupts currently being serviced. With this information, the PIC will only interrupt the processor if the highest priority set bit in the IRR has a higher priority than the highest priority set bit in the ISR. In other words, the PIC will never interrupt an in-service interrupt in order to service another interrupt of the same or lower priority. Before an ISR finishes executing, it must send to the PIC the end of interrupt command (EOI) so that the PIC knows that it can safely clear the highest priority bit in the ISR and signal any other pending interrupts. Be careful not to confuse "In-Service Register" with "Interrupt Service Routine". Both of these use the "ISR" acronym.

The first PC's only contained one PIC, but later on two were cascaded together to allow more device to be attached to the system. The following chart lists the IRQ's and what they are normally used for.

IRQ 0 - System timer. Reserved for the system. Cannot be changed by a user.
IRQ 1 - Keyboard. Reserved for the system. Cannot be altered even if no keyboard is present or needed.
IRQ 2 - Second IRQ controller. See below for explanation.
IRQ 3 - COM 2(Default) COM 4(User)
IRQ 4 - COM 1(Default) COM 3(User)
IRQ 5 - Sound card (Sound Blaster Pro or later) or LPT2(User)
IRQ 6 - Floppy disk controller
IRQ 7 - LPT1(Parallel port) or sound card (8-bit Sound Blaster and compatibles)
IRQ 8 - Real time clock
IRQ 9 - ACPI SCI or ISA MPU-401
IRQ 10 - Free / Open interrupt / Available / SCSI
IRQ 11 - Free / Open interrupt / Available / SCSI
IRQ 12 - PS/2 connector Mouse / If no PS/2 connector mouse is used, this can be used for other peripherals
IRQ 13 - Math co-processor. Cannot be changed
IRQ 14 - Primary IDE. If no Primary IDE this can be changed
IRQ 15 - Secondary IDE

IRQs 0 to 7 are managed by one Intel 8259 PIC, and IRQs 8 to 15 by a second Intel 8259 PIC. The first PIC, the master, is the only one that directly signals the CPU. The second PIC, the slave, instead signals to the master on its IRQ2 line, and the master passes the signal on. Because of this, there are only 15 interrupt request lines available for hardware. Lower IRQ's have a higher priority. From looking at the list, you can definitely see why. The system timer is the most important. It is essentially the heartbeat of the system. Next is the keyboard. Generally, if everything is connected properly, and your keyboard caps lock key won't even change the state of it's status L.E.D. then your pretty much screwed, and will have to reboot.

Now IRQ 2 presents an interesting case. It's cascaded. This means everything on the slave PIC gets priority over everything else below it on the master PIC. So next in the pecking order we have the real time clock which keeps your date and time correct. Next up we have the ACPI (Advanced Configuration Power Interface) which controls various power saving features for the system, or the ISA MPU-401 which is a MIDI interface. (allows you to connect musical instruments to your computer) It continues down the list until IRQ 15, then goes back to IRQ3 and continues to IRQ 7. IRQ's 0, 1, 2, and 13 can't be changed. However, the other ones can. Usually its easier to use the settings listed in the chart, as these have become the standard.

When DOS and the early days of Windows, (pre-Windows 95), when you bought an add in card for your computer, you had to configure the card to use a free IRQ. This was typically done by placing a jumper on the card onto the appropriate connectors. If two cards in your system were not designed to share an IRQ and you attempted to do so, the result would usually be a system crash, or possibly not even boot at all.

Various Types of Interrupts

Hardware interrupts are not the only type of interrupts available in the computing world. Interrupts can be divided into two categories.

Synchronous interrupts are predictable interrupts that occur at known times, such as the execution of software interrupt instructions.
Asynchronous interrupts are unpredictable interrupts that may occur at any time, such the generation of an interrupt by a hardware device when it needs servicing.

Interrupts may be implemented in hardware as a distinct system with control lines, or they may be integrated into the memory subsystem. If implemented in hardware, a PIC, as we discussed earlier, or an APIC (Advanced Programmable Interrupt controller) may be used. (we'll get to APIC's in a bit) If implemented as part of the memory controller, interrupts are mapped into the system's memory address space. These interrupts can also be divided further as follows:

A software interrupt is an interrupt generated within a processor by executing an instruction. An example of this would be system calls, or a program using a subroutine stored in BIOS to display character to the screen.
A maskable interrupt is essentially a hardware interrupt which may be ignored by setting a bit in an interrupt mask register's (IMR) bit-mask.
A non-maskable interrupt is a hardware interrupt which typically does not have a bit-mask associated with it allowing it to be ignored.
An interprocessor interrupt is a special type of interrupt which is generated by one processor to interrupt another processor in a multiprocessor system.
A spurious interrupt is a hardware interrupt that is generated by system errors, such as electrical noise on one of the PICs interrupt lines.

Processors also have an internal interrupt mask that will allow it to ignore all hardware interrupts while it is set. This is typically used in programs that require specific timing and the fastest execution possible for the program. However, misuse of this mask can slow down the system.

Level Triggered vs. Edge Triggered

Level Triggered

A level-triggered interrupt is a class of interrupts where the presence of an unserviced interrupt is indicated by a high level (1), or low level (0), of the interrupt request line. A device that wants to signal an interrupt changes the line to its active level, and then holds it at that level until serviced. It stops asserting the line when the CPU commands it to or otherwise handles the condition that caused it to signal the interrupt. Normally, the processor samples the interrupt input at predefined times during each bus cycle. If the interrupt isn't active when the processor samples it, the CPU doesn't see it. This helps to prevent erroneous interrupts that may be caused by line noise. (electromagnetic interference) Multiple devices may share a level-triggered interrupt line if they are designed to. The interrupt line must have a pull-down or pull-up resistor so that when not active, it settles to its inactive state. Devices actively assert the line to indicate an outstanding interrupt, but let the line float (do not actively drive it) when not signaling an interrupt. The line is then in its asserted state when any (one or more than one) of the sharing devices is signaling an outstanding interrupt.

This class of interrupts is favored by some because of a convenient behavior when the line is shared. When the interrupt line is activated, the CPU must search through the devices sharing it until the one who activated it is detected. After servicing that one, the CPU may recheck the interrupt line status to see if any other devices need servicing. If the line is no longer asserted, then the CPU avoids the need to check all the remaining devices on the line. Where some devices interrupt much more than others, or where some devices are particularly expensive to check for interrupt status, a careful ordering of device checks brings some efficiency gain.

The protocol of a level-triggered interrupt goes like this:

When the interrupt signal is held low (for active-low interrupts, which are the most common), the interrupt controller will generate an interrupt.
If the interrupt is acknowledged and the signal is still low, then the interrupt controller will generate another interrupt.

This is good for sharing, because it confirms that the operating system handled the interrupting device. The algorithm is:

Take an interrupt.
Run the first ISR in the chain.
If that ISR returns TRUE (it handled an interrupt), then the operating system will ACK the interrupt and quit.
If that ISR returns FALSE, then run the next ISR in the chain and go to Step 3.

If multiple devices interrupt, the operating system will find the first one, run its ISR, and then ACK the interrupt. Then the operating system will immediately take another interrupt on that vector. At this point, the operating system runs through all the ISRs until it finds the second device, runs its ISR, and ACKs the interrupt again.

There are some serious problems with sharing level-triggered interrupts. As long as any device on the line is requesting service, the line remains active, so it is not possible to detect a change in the status of any other device. Delaying the servicing of a low-priority device is not an option, because this would prevent detection of service requests from higher-priority devices. If there is a device on the line that the CPU does not know how to service, then any interrupt from that device permanently blocks all interrupts from the other devices.

For example, lets say we're a suit, working for a fortune 500 company. We have our own top of the line laptop, and do a lot of work with it. We have docking stations both at home, and at work. We've got a printer, network card, DVD+R drive, maybe a USB camera, throw in a gamepad for the docking station at home, PDA docking station connected as well, and oh maybe a video capture device, scanner, etc. connected to the docking station. Lets say we have twelve devices all chained on one vector, on this docked laptop. Every time the operating system takes an interrupt, the operating system must run as many as twelve ISRs before it begins to handle the condition that caused the interrupt. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

(Just in case you don't remember, an ISR is an Interrupt Service Routine. Basically it's a bit of code that does what it's suppose to do for a particular interrupt. For all you die hard programmers out there, think of it as a function call for hardware.)

Even assuming that every device in the chain is well designed and can determine within a few I/O cycles whether it is generating an interrupt, a huge interrupt latency (delay) occurs, as each interrupt causes the operating system to touch up to twelve different pieces of hardware to find the correct one.

Unfortunately, the reality of the modern PC market is that many devices are poorly designed and misbehave. Most hardware is designed with the mindset that the ISR will handle all the work of the interrupt. In other words, the hardware designers are passing the buck to the programmers writing the device driver. So now you have a lazy engineer ignoring the need for good hardware synchronization in their chip designs. This forces the driver programmer to write larger, slower code to compensate. The result is device drivers that do most of their real work in their ISR. This exponentially lengthens the time the OS spends running the ISR chain, causing it to run for relatively long periods of time with interrupts off and no threads or deferred procedure calls (DPCs). Imagine trying to do real-time video manipulation when every interrupt causes a 500us delay in processing. (*click* *go make coffee* *click* *order out for pizza* *click* *go take a nap*...)

The previous examples assume that all device drivers are well behaved. However, if even one device driver returns FALSE from its ISR when its device is actually interrupting, then a system will hang as a result. The ACK causes the interrupt controller to generate another interrupt. The operating system runs the ISR chain forever.

APICs provide more interrupt resources, thus greatly reducing, if not removing, the need to share interrupts among hardware devices. The original PCI standard mandated shareable level-triggered interrupts. The rationale for this was the efficiency gain discussed above. (Newer versions of PCI allow, and PCI Express requires, the use of message-signaled interrupts.)

Edge-triggered

An edge-triggered interrupt is a class of interrupts that are signaled by a level transition on the interrupt line, either a falling edge (1 to 0) or (usually) a rising edge (0 to 1). A device that wants to signal an interrupt drives a pulse onto the line, then returns the line to its normal state. If the pulse is too short to be detect by polled I/O, then special hardware may be required to detect the edge. Multiple devices can share an edge-triggered interrupt line if they are designed to. The interrupt line must have a pull-down or pull-up resistor so that when not actively driven, it settles to one particular state. Devices signal an interrupt by briefly driving the line to its non-default state, and let the line float (do not actively drive it) when not signaling an interrupt. The line then carries all the pulses created by all the devices. However, interrupt pulses from different devices may merge if they occur too close to each other. To avoid losing interrupts the CPU must trigger on the trailing edge of the pulse (the rising edge if the line is pulled up and driven low).

After detecting an interrupt the CPU must check all the devices for service requirements. Edge-triggered interrupts don't suffer the problems that level-triggered interrupts have with sharing. Servicing a low-priority device can be delayed, and interrupts will continue to be received from the high-priority devices that are being serviced. If there's a device that the CPU doesn't know how to service, it may cause a spurious interrupt, or even periodic spurious interrupts, but it doesn't interfere with the interrupt signaling of the other devices.

With any interrupt controller, an edge-triggered interrupt is a one-time event. There isn't any feedback to the OS. The OS never really knows when it has handled the situation that caused the interrupt. It can only know that an event happened recently. The only rational response to an edge-triggered interrupt is to run all the Interrupt Service Routines (ISRs) associated with that vector once, with the hope that this will resolve it. (kinda like killing a mouse with an elephant gun) This situation is especially sketchy when dealing with hardware that doesn't give any real indication of why it interrupted. This is a common occurrence among today's edge-triggering devices. The result is that the OS can miss interrupts delivered in the interval between when an interrupt is first taken and when it is acknowledged. With an 8259 PIC, the situation is even worse. The 8259 is inherently unreliable, particularly when coupled with an actual ISA bus. The old ISA bus uses edge-triggered interrupts, but doesn't mandate that devices be able to share them. Many older devices assume that they have exclusive use of their interrupt line, making it electrically unsafe to share them. The operating system software will see a number of spurious interrupts, some of which show up on different vectors than the original signal. However, ISA motherboards include pull-up resistors on the IRQ lines, so well-behaved devices share ISA interrupts just fine. When dealing with this older hardware, it's usually safer not to assume anything though. Always check your documentation.

Combined Method

Some systems use a hybrid of level-triggered and edge-triggered signaling. The hardware looks for an edge and verifies that the interrupt signal stays active for a certain period of time. A common hybrid interrupt is the NMI (non-maskable interrupt) input. Because NMIs generally signal major, or even catastrophic system events, a good implementation of this signal tries to ensure that the interrupt is valid by verifying that it remains active for a period of time. This two step approach helps to prevent false interrupts from screwing up the system. There are also some BIOS implementations that allow you to configure which method you wish to use as well as using the combined method.

Message Signaled

A message-signaled interrupt doesn't use a physical interrupt line. Instead, a device signals its request for service by sending a short message over some communications medium, typically a bus. The message might be of a type reserved for interrupts, or it might be of some pre-existing type such as a memory write. Message-signaled interrupts behave very much like edge-triggered interrupts. The interrupt is a momentary signal instead of a continuous condition. Interrupt handling software treats the two in almost the same manner. Usually, multiple pending message signaled interrupts with the same message (the same virtual interrupt line) are allowed to merge, just as closely spaced edge-triggered interrupts can merge. Message-signaled interrupt vectors can share the same communications medium (the same bus) without any extra effort. The identity of the interrupt is indicated by a pattern of data bits. It doesn't require a separate physical conductor. More separate interrupts can be handled, reducing the need for sharing. Interrupt messages can also be passed over a serial bus, not requiring any additional lines. PCI Express is a serial computer bus, and uses message-signaled interrupts exclusively.

Why Sharing Interrupts Are Bad

Regardless of the triggering style, multiple devices sharing an interrupt line act as spurious interrupt sources to each other. With many devices on one line, the workload in servicing interrupts grows as the square of the number of devices. It's preferred to spread devices evenly across the available interrupt lines. Shortage of interrupt lines is a problem in older system designs where the interrupt lines are actual physical conductors. Message-signaled interrupts, where the interrupt line is virtual, are favored in new system architectures (such as PCI Express) and go a long way towards fixing this problem. Some devices with poorly designed programming interfaces provide no way to determine if they have requested service. They may lock up or otherwise misbehave if serviced when they don't want it. Such devices can't tolerate spurious interrupts, and are useless when it comes to interrupt sharing. ISA cards are usually cheaply designed and constructed, and are notorious for this problem. Luckily, these are rarer today thanks to cheaper hardware logic, and newer specs that mandate interrupt sharing. On PIC-based systems, sharing interrupts is the only way to allow all or even most of the devices in the system to function. OS vendors have provided a lot of information to help hardware vendors design hardware and drivers that can successfully share interrupts. However, interrupt sharing cannot be considered a sufficient solution to the interrupt problem on todays PIC-based PCs. Interrupt sharing has been required on many PC platforms, but it is viewed as a necessary evil. The real solution to interrupt problems is to move to APIC-based systems.

The problem with the lack of IRQs is not solved even when the OS can attach all the PCI devices in a given system to one or just a few IRQs so that IRQs remain to serve other devices. A quick review of driver development newsgroups, for example, makes it clear that a lot of hardware designs are very sensitive to interrupt latency. To work around this sensitivity, hardware vendors often want to know how to make ure their device never shares an interrupt. For these devices, running on an APIC system is the only option.

These problems of interrupt latency aren't the only issues in today's machines that have to be addressed before real-time behavior can be convincingly achieved. But, these problems are on the critical path.

Other architectural problems can arise when you cause PCI devices to share interrupts. For example, a machine contains a sound device and a USB controller. Lets say both of these are connected to the same IRQ. The BIOS might try to use both devices during boot up. The BIOS might try to access the sound device in order to play a welcome sound on startup. The BIOS might also try to access the USB controller on startup to determine whether the system uses a USB keyboard or mouse.

As of PCI 2.0, the PCI specification doesn't provide a generic way to stop a device from interrupting. The interrupt disable bit in PCI 2.3 addresses this problem, but won't impact the older machines already out there. (In contrast, PCI 2.0 does provide a way to stop a device from decoding I/O and memory resources, and stop bus-master transactions, by clearing the Command register.) This means that the BIOS could leave both the USB controller and the sound device in an interrupting state. (This also is quite common.)

The operating system has to load either the USB driver or the sound driver first. (Some might argue that these could be simultaneously loaded, but this is not possible if the system uses USB 2.0 and you are booting off of a USB-connected disk. And, it is certainly not possible to retrofit every existing Microsoft operating system to force drivers to enable interrupts simultaneously.) If you load USB before sound, you enable the IRQ with a sound interrupt pending. This causes an interrupt to be delivered, but with no ISR for the sound device in the ISR chain. The OS calls the USB ISR and it returns with a value indicating that the interrupt was not caused by USB. The OS then acknowledges the interrupt. However, because the interrupt is level-triggered, it's immediately reasserted and the OS jumps right back into the interrupt-handling code. The result is that the machine is hung, endlessly dismissing interrupts (in other words, the machine is hung in an interrupt storm). Similar cases can occur when a machine is brought out of a suspended or hibernating state.

So far, the discussion assumes that everything is working perfectly, that all hardware is perfectly well behaved, and that all device drivers are perfectly written. However, this is not always the case.

Consider a case where driver A is poorly written and always indicates that its ISR has just handled an interrupt. Driver A operates a device that uses level-triggered interrupts. (This is true for all new devices, because everything either is PCI or looks like PCI these days.) Imagine also that driver B exists with an ISR that is farther down the chain. If the device associated with driver B interrupts, the OS will never be able to call its ISR, because driver A will always claim the interrupt. In this case, the machine also hangs because of an interrupt storm. However, if it is able to get its own IRQ, driver A functions without a problem.

Here's another example. Two devices, a modem, and a CardBus controller share an IRQ. The machine is a laptop, and the user is not making any phone calls at the moment. The OS puts the modem in the D3 (powered-off) state. The driver for the modem unregisters its ISR and powers off its hardware. But, because of either a hardware or a software bug, the modem delivers an interrupt if the phone rings. If the modem had its own IRQ, the operating system would mask that IRQ when the driver unregistered its ISR. However, because these two devices share an IRQ, the operating system must leave the IRQ unmasked so the CardBus controller can function. If the phone rings at this time, an interrupt is delivered on the unmasked IRQ. There is no ISR registered for the modem hardware, so only the CardBus ISR is called, after which the operating system acknowledges the interrupt. Because the interrupt is still pending, the result is another interrupt storm.

That example is actually very common, because many hardware designers confuse the concept of an "interrupt" with that of a "wake signal", or PME. Hardware designers often wrong in thinking that a device interrupt should be triggered to cause a device to wake up. These scenarios are avoided by putting an APIC in the system. (we'll get to APIC's in a moment.) This allows most, or all devices to get their own IRQ.

Also worth noting, the native interrupt mechanism for PCI Express is MSI (message-signaled interrupts). This is also true for PCI-X. You cannot use MSI without APIC.

Typical Uses of Interrupts

Ok, so now you have a good idea of what an interrupt is, what it does, and the different types. But what the heck is it used for!?!? Well, typical interrupt uses include the following:

system timers
disks I/O
power-off signals and traps
transferring data bytes
UARTS (Universal Asynchronous Receiver/Transmitter)
Ethernet
sense key-presses
control motors
etc.

A classic system timer interrupt will periodically interrupt from a counter or the power-line. The interrupt handler counts the interrupts to keep time. The timer interrupt may also be used by the OS's task scheduler to reschedule the priorities of running processes. Counters are very popular, but some older computers did use the power line frequency instead. This was because power companies in most Western countries control the power-line frequency with an atomic clock. In the U.S.A. the frequency is 60 Hz. A disk interrupt signals the completion of a data transfer from or to the disk drive. This interrupt lets a program know when to continue or wait while reading or writing data to the drive. A power-off interrupt predicts or requests a loss of power. It allows the computer equipment to perform an orderly shutdown. In newer computer, this is sometimes called intelligent off, where the power button effectively clicks the start button, shutdown, turn power off selections on a Windows 9x and higher computer. (Why you have to click start to stop your computer still boggles my mind to this day...) Interrupts are also used in type ahead features for buffering events like keystrokes. I haven't used this type of software on a desktop computer, but if you have a newer cell phone you most likely have used this. Though now it's given flashy titles like predictive text, etc.

APIC

Now that we've covered the basics of interrupts, we can move on to the APIC, or the Advanced Programmable Interface Controller. The Intel APIC Architecture is a system of APICs designed by Intel for use in Symmetric Multi-Processor (SMP) computer systems. It was originally implemented by the Intel 82093AA and 82489DX, and is found in most x86 SMP motherboards. It's one of several attempts to solve interrupt routing efficiency issues in multiprocessor computer systems. There are two components in the Intel APIC system, the Local APIC (LAPIC) and the I/O APIC. The LAPIC is integrated into each CPU in the system, and the I/O APIC is used throughout the system's peripheral buses. There is typically one I/O APIC for each peripheral bus in the system. In original system designs, LAPICs and I/O APICs were connected by a dedicated APIC bus. Newer systems use the system bus for communication between all APIC components. In systems containing an 8259 PIC, the 8259 may be connected to the LAPIC in the system's bootstrap processor (BSP), or to one of the system's I/O APICs.

Local APICs

LAPICs manage all external interrupts for the processor that it's part of. It's also able to send and receive inter-processor interrupts (IPIs) between LAPICs. LAPIC's can support up to 224 usable IRQ vectors from an I/O APIC. Vectors numbers 0 to 31, out of 0 to 255, are reserved for exception handling by x86 processors.

I/O APICs

I/O APICs contain a redirection table, that is used to route the interrupts it receives from peripheral buses to one or more Local APICs.

Design Issues

The Intel APIC architecture is well known for having a large amount of unwanted variation in one or more of it's signals in its interrupt latency.

Hardware Bugs

There are a number of known bugs in implementations of APIC systems, especially when it comes to how the 8259 is connected. There are defective BIOS implementations which don't setup interrupt routing properly. This includes the errors in the implementation of ACPI tables and Intel Multiprocessor Specification tables.

Operating System Issues

It can be a cause of system failure, as some versions of some operating systems don't support it properly. If this is the case, disabling I/O APIC may cure the problem. For Linux, try the 'noapic nolapic' kernel parameters; for FreeBSD, the 'hint.apic.0.disabled' kernel environment variable. In Linux, problems with I/O APIC are one of several causes of error messages concerning "spurious 8259A interrupt: IRQ7.". It's also possible that I/O APIC can cause problems with network interfaces based on the via-rhine driver, causing a transmission time out. Uniprocessor kernels with APIC enabled can cause spurious interrupts to be generated.

PIC (8295) VS. APIC

PIC (8259) Hardware Is Slow

Lets stop for a moment and look at things from a Windows point of view. The PIC interrupt controller has a built-in hardware priority scheme that is not appropriate for machines running operating systems based on Windows NT Technology. To address this problem, a different hardware priority scheme is used by the oOS.

When the OS raises or lowers IRQL, a new mask is written into the 8259 that enables only the interrupts allowed at this IRQL. Raising or lowering IRQL causes either two "out" instructions or software simulation of one sort or another. Each of these I/O instructions must make it all the way to the South Bridge and back.

The Compaq Alpha interrupt controller has software levels that are used in Windows NT and Windows 2000 to cause DPC and APC interrupts. On Intel Architecture platforms using a PIC, this has to be simulated because there isn't any hardware to cause the interrupts. When the OS drops below DISPATCH_LEVEL, it must check to see whether a DPC has been queued. If it has, it must simulate an interrupt.

With an APIC device, the OS can queue a DPC at any time by sending itself an interrupt at a priority that matches DISPATCH_LEVEL. Then, whenever it lowers the IRQL below DISPATCH_LEVEL, the DPC fires in hardware with no software intervention at all.

Raising or lowering IRQL on an APIC is just a matter of adjusting the Task Priority Register in the local APIC. This is just a "mov" instruction that adjusts a register inside the processor. It can happen much more quickly than multiple writes to the South Bridge. Keep in mind that every time anything is synchronized using any of the Win32 or Windows NT native synchronization primitives, the IRQL is changed at least twice. APICs, therefore, provide better speed in interrupt handling.

Windows 95/98 both have a design requirement to support DOS device drivers. Because DOS drivers may assume that they can write directly to the 8259 PIC and its associated IDT entries, the APIC is unsupportable on these OS's. The 8259 PIC cannot be used in machines with multiple processors either.

APICS - Not Just For Multi-Processor Systems

The traditional 8259 PIC is subject to significant legacy issues. IRQs 0, 1, 2, 6, 8, 12, 13, 14, and 15 are consumed by legacy devices. Even when legacy devices are not present, these IRQs are often claimed by legacy software or firmware. IRQs 3 and 4 sometimes fall into this category as well. (COM1 and COM2)

This leaves IRQs 5, 7, 9, 10, and 11 available for general use on a typical machine. Audio hardware is almost always programmed to use IRQ 5. That leaves us with only four IRQs available for other devices to use. Most machines today have far more than four devices that are programmed to interrupt. APIC interrupt subsystems can have as many IRQs as are required in a specific machine. Chipset vendors usually design I/O APICs to have 24 IRQs each, and a client machine almost always contains only one I/O APIC. This is enough to guarantee a dedicated IRQ for each PCI device, which would make sharing necessary only when the user installs many devices.

In an APIC-based system, each PCI device can be routed directly to an interrupt controller input on an IOAPIC. Some can be routed directly to the I/O APIC, and some can be routed through the IRQ steering devices. Ideally, the chipset could include more steering devices. (No OEM has ever taken on the extra cost of providing steering devices outside the chipset, on single-processor systems.)

Most laptops are equipped with so few IRQs that they ship with the COM port or other internal devices disabled to ensure that IRQs remain available for PCMCIA devices. It gets worse on machines using docking stations. Laptops usually ship with confusing utilities that allow the end user to disable the modem, just so they can enable the COM port, and so on. Attempting to Compensating for the lack of IRQs in this way degrades the usability of the system by making users do what the software should do, and what it would do, if the hardware made it possible. The 8259 interrupt controller can actually drop interrupts, because of how it handles spurious interrupts. The APIC is less likely to have this problem.

In conclusion, the industry is constantly pushing forward to fix a major flaw in the original interrupt design. They are using APIC style designs along with message signaled interrupts to accomplish this goal. We've gone over the many types of interrupt detection and resolution, the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all. By now you should also have a deeper understanding of what goes on under the hood, as well as how even the smallest delay can become quite noticeable over time.

-=databat=-

BH #2 - Daring DMA's

2006-12-22T05:00:00.002-05:00

Direct memory access (DMA) is a feature of modern computers, that allows certain hardware subsystems to access system memory directly, for reading and/or writing, independently of the main processor. Many hardware systems use DMA including disk drive controllers, graphics cards, network cards, and sound cards. Computers that have DMA channels can transfer data to and from devices with much less CPU overhead than computers without a DMA channel.

Without DMA, the CPU typically will be occupied for the entire time its performing a data transfer. With DMA, the CPU would initiate the transfer, do other operations while the transfer is in progress, and receive an interrupt from the DMA controller when the operation has been completed. This is useful in real-time computing applications where not stalling behind concurrent operations is critical.

DMA is an essential feature of all modern computers. It allows devices to transfer data without subjecting the CPU to a heavy overhead. Otherwise, the CPU would have to copy each piece of data from the source to the destination. This is slower than copying normal blocks of memory since access to I/O devices over a peripheral bus is slower than normal system RAM. During this time the CPU would be unavailable for any other tasks involving CPU bus access, although it could continue doing any work which did not require bus access.

A DMA transfer essentially copies a block of memory from one device to another. While the CPU initiates the transfer, it does not execute it. For so-called "third party" DMA, as is normally used with the ISA bus, the transfer is performed by a DMA controller which is typically part of the motherboard chipset. More advanced bus designs such as PCI usually use bus mastering DMA, where the device takes control of the bus and performs the transfer itself.

A typical usage of DMA is copying a block of memory from system RAM to or from a buffer on the device. These types of operations will not stall the processor, and can be scheduled to perform other tasks. DMA transfers are essential to high performance embedded systems. It is also essential in providing zero-copy implementations of peripheral device drivers as well as functionalities such as network packet routing, audio playback and streaming video.

DMA Engines

In addition to hardware interaction, DMA can also be used to offload expensive memory operations, such as large copies or scatter-gather operations, from the CPU to a dedicated DMA engine. While normal memory copies are typically too small to be worthwhile to offload on today's desktop computers, they are frequently offloaded on embedded devices due to more limited resources. Newer Intel Xeon processors also include a DMA engine technology called I/OAT, meant to improve network performance with high-throughput network interfaces, such as gigabit Ethernet devices, in particular. However, benchmarks with this approach on Linux indicate no more than 10% improvement in CPU utilization.

Examples

ISA For example, a PC's ISA DMA controller has 16 DMA channels of which 7 are available for use by the PC's CPU. Each DMA channel has associated with it a 16-bit address register and a 16-bit count register. To initiate a data transfer the device driver sets up the DMA channel's address and count registers together with the direction of the data transfer, read or write. It then instructs the DMA hardware to begin the transfer. When the transfer is complete, the device interrupts the CPU.

Scatter-gather DMA allows the transfer of data to and from multiple memory areas in a single DMA transaction. It is equivalent to the chaining together of multiple simple DMA requests. Again, the motivation is to off-load multiple input/output interrupt and data copy tasks from the CPU.

DRQ stands for DMA request; DACK for DMA acknowledge. These symbols are generally seen on hardware schematics of computer systems with DMA functionality. They represent electronic signaling lines between the CPU and DMA controller.

In programmed I/O mode for hard disks, that method of transferring data between the hard disk and the rest of the system has a serious flaw: it requires a fair bit of overhead, as well as the care and attention of the system's CPU. Clearly, a better solution is to take the CPU out of the picture entirely, and have the hard disk and system memory communicate directly. Direct memory access or DMA is the generic term used to refer to a transfer protocol where a peripheral device transfers information directly to or from memory, without the system processor being required to perform the transaction. DMA has been used on the PC for years over the ISA bus, for devices like sound cards and the floppy disk interface. Conventional DMA uses regular DMA channels which are a standard system resource. Several different DMA modes have been defined for the IDE/ATA interface; they are grouped into two categories. The first set of modes are single word DMA modes. When these modes are used, each transfer moves just a single word of data (a word is the techie term for two bytes, and recall that the IDE/ATA interface is 16 bits wide). There are (or were!) three single word DMA modes, all defined in the original ATA standard:

DMA Mode	Cycle Time (nanoseconds)	Maximum Transfer Rate (MB/s)	Defining Standard
Single Word Mode 0	960	2.1	ATA
Single Word Mode 1	480	4.2	ATA
Single Word Mode 2	240	8.3	ATA

(Maximum transfer rate is double the reciprocal of the specific cycle time for each mode.) Obviously, these are not impressive transfer rate numbers by today's standards. Performing transfers of a single word at a time is horribly inefficient -- each and every transfer requires overhead to set up the transfer. For that reason, single word DMA modes were quickly supplanted by multiword DMA modes. As the name implies, under these modes a "burst" of transfers occurs in rapid succession, one word after the other, saving the overhead of setting up a separate transfer for each word. Here are the multiword DMA transfer modes:

DMA Mode	Cycle Time (nanoseconds)	Maximum Transfer Rate (MB/s)	Defining Standard
Multiword Mode 0	480	4.2	ATA
Multiword Mode 1	150	13.3	ATA-2
Multiword Mode 2	120	16.7	ATA-2

Since multiword DMA transfers are more efficient, and also have higher maximum transfer rates, single word DMA modes were quickly abandoned after ATA-2 was widely adopted -- they were actually removed from the ATA standards in ATA-3. So all DMA accesses today (including Ultra DMA) are actually multiword; the term "multiword" is now often assumed and no longer specifically mentioned.

Another important issue with DMA is that there are in fact two different ways of doing DMA transfers. Conventional DMA is what is called third-party DMA, which means that the DMA controllers on the motherboard coordinate the DMA transfers. (The "third party" is the DMA controller.) Unfortunately, these DMA controllers are old and very slow -- they are basically unchanged since the earliest days of the PC. They are also pretty much tied to the old ISA bus, which was abandoned for hard disk interfaces for performance reasons. When multiword DMA modes 1 and 2 began to become popular, so did the use of the high-speed PCI bus for IDE/ATA controller cards. At that point, the old way of doing DMA transfers had to be changed.

Modern IDE/ATA hard disks use first-party DMA transfers. The term "first party" means that the peripheral device itself does the work of transferring data to and from memory, with no external DMA controller involved. This is also called bus mastering, because when such transfers are occurring the device becomes the "master of the bus". Bus mastering allows the hard disk and memory to work without relying on the old DMA controller built into the system, or needing any support from the CPU. It requires the use of the PCI bus -- older buses like MCA also supported bus mastering but are no longer in common use. Bus-mastering DMA allows for the efficient transfer of data to and from the hard disk and system memory. Bus mastering DMA keeps CPU utilization low, which is the amount of work the CPU must do during a transfer.

Interestingly, despite the obvious advantages of bus mastering DMA, the use of bus-mastering multiword DMA mode 2 never really caught on. There are several reasons for this. The most important was the poor state of support for the technology for the first couple of years. Using PIO required no work and was very simple; DMA was not supported by the first version of Windows 95, so special drivers had to be used. Problems with implementing bus mastering DMA on systems in the 1996 to 1998 time frame were numerous: issues with buggy drivers, software the didn't work properly, CD-ROM drives that wouldn't work with the drivers, and so on. In the face of these problems, DMA didn't offer much incentive to make the switch. Sure, the lower CPU utilization was good, but since the maximum DMA mode's speed was the same as that of the highest PIO mode (16.7 MB/s) there wasn't a great perception that DMA offered much of an advantage over PIO. Given little upside potential, many people stayed away from using DMA, to avoid the compatibility and stability problems that sometimes resulted.

Bus mastering DMA finally came into its own when the industry moved on to Ultra DMA. Once Ultra DMA/33 doubled the interface transfer rate, DMA had an obvious speed advantage over PIO in addition to its other efficiency improvements. Support for DMA was also cleaned up and made native in Windows 9x, and most of the problems with the old drivers were eliminated. Today, the use of Ultra DMA is the standard in the industry.

Ultra DMA (UDMA) Modes

With the increase in performance of hard disks over the last few years, the use of programmed I/O modes became a hindrance to performance. As a result, focus was placed on the use of direct memory access (DMA) modes. In particular, bus mastering DMA on the PCI bus became mainstream due to its efficiency advantages. If you have not yet, you should read the description of the various DMA modes and how bus mastering DMA works; this will help you understand this page much better.

Of course, hard disks get faster and faster, and the maximum speed of multiword DMA mode 2, 16.7 MB/s, quickly became insufficient for the fastest drives. However, the engineers who went to work to speed up the interface discovered that this was no simple task. The IDE/ATA interface, and the flat ribbon cable it used, were designed for slow data transfer--about 5 MB/s. Increasing the speed of the interface (by reducing the cycle time) caused all sorts of signaling problems related to interference. So instead of making the interface run faster, a different approach had to be taken: improving the efficiency of the interface itself. The result was the creation of a new type of DMA transfer modes, which were called Ultra DMA modes.

The key technological advance introduced to IDE/ATA in Ultra DMA was double transition clocking. Before Ultra DMA, one transfer of data occurred on each clock cycle, triggered by the rising edge of the interface clock, or "strobe". With Ultra DMA, data is transferred on both the rising and falling edges of the clock. Double transition clocking, along with some other minor changes made to the signaling technique to improve efficiency, allowed the data throughput of the interface to be doubled for any given clock speed. In order to improve the integrity of this now faster interface, Ultra DMA also introduced the use of cyclical redundancy checking or CRC on the interface. The device sending data uses the CRC algorithm to calculate redundant information from each block of data sent over the interface. This "CRC code" is sent along with the data. On the other end of the interface, the recipient of the data does the same CRC calculation and compares its result to the code the sender delivered. If there is a mismatch, this means data was corrupted somehow and the block of data is resent. (CRC is similar in concept and operation to the way error checking is done on the system memory.) If errors occur frequently, the system may determine that there are hardware issues and thus drop down to a slower Ultra DMA mode, or even disable Ultra DMA operation.

The first implementation of Ultra DMA was specified in the ATA/ATAPI-4 standard and included three Ultra DMA modes, providing up to 33 MB/s of throughput. Several newer, faster Ultra DMA modes were added in subsequent years. This table shows all of the current Ultra DMA modes, along with their cycle times and maximum transfer rates:

Ultra DMA Mode	Cycle Time (nanoseconds)	Maximum Transfer Rate (MB/s)	Defining Standard
Mode 0	240	16.7	ATA/ATAPI-4
Mode 1	160	25.0	ATA/ATAPI-4
Mode 2	120	33.3	ATA/ATAPI-4
Mode 3	90	44.4	ATA/ATAPI-5
Mode 4	60	66.7	ATA/ATAPI-5
Mode 5	40	100.0	ATA/ATAPI-6
Mode 6	30	133.0	ATA/ATAPI-7
Mode 7?	---	---	ATA/ATAPI-8

Note: The ATA/ATAPI-7 documentation has been split into three volumes: one for the hard disk commands, one for the traditional parallel ATA interface and one for the SATA-1 interface. Information on obtaining documentation for these standards may be found at http://www.t13.org

The cycle time shows the speed of the interface clock; the clock's frequency is the reciprocal of this number. The maximum transfer rate is four times the reciprocal of the cycle time -- double transition clocking means each cycle has two transfers, and each transfer moves two bytes (16 bits). Only modes 2, 4 and 5 have ever been used in drives, probably because they are the best out of each published standard. Ultra DMA mode 6 is the latest, and is implemented in all currently-shipping drives.

SATA 1 drives are able to use UDMA 150. In other words, they can theoretically push data at an amazing speed of 1.5 Gb/s. SATA 2 drives can theoretically push data at 3.0 Gb/s. However, the SATA calculations for throughput time are a bit different, and will not be covered in this article. The increased speeds are mainly due to the ability to use faster clock speeds due to the simpler cabling design. ATA/ATAPI-8 hasn't been finalized as of July 2006.

Note: In common parlance, drives that use Ultra DMA are often called "Ultra ATA/xx" where "xx" is the speed of the interface. So, few people really talk about current drives being "Ultra DMA mode 5", they say they are "Ultra ATA/100".

Double transition clocking is what allows Ultra DMA mode 2 to have a maximum transfer rate of 33.3 MB/s despite having a clock cycle time identical to "regular DMA" multiword mode 2, which has half that maximum. Now, you may be asking yourself: if they had to go to double transition clocking to get to to 33.3 MB/s, how did they get to 66 MB/s, and then 100 MB/s? Well, they did in fact speed up the interface after all. :^) But the use of double transition clocking let them do it while staying at half the speed they would have needed. Without double transition clocking, Ultra DMA mode 5 would have required a cycle time of 20 nanoseconds instead of 40, making implementation much more difficult. SATA drives use a much faster clock speed, so double transition clocking doesn't apply to them. (or at least it doesn't with SATA 1 drives. I currently don't have enough information about the SATA 2 drives)

Even with the advantage of double transition clocking, going above 33 MB/s finally exceeded the capabilities of the old 40-conductor standard IDE cable. To use Ultra DMA modes over 2, a special, 80-conductor IDE cable is required. This cable uses the same 40 pins as the old cables, but adds 40 ground lines between the original 40 signals to separate those lines from each other and prevent interference and data corruption. (The 80-conductor cable was actually specified in ATA/ATAPI-4 along with the first Ultra DMA modes, but it was "optional" for modes 0, 1 and 2.)

Today, all modern systems that use IDE/ATA drives should be using one of the Ultra DMA modes. There are several specific requirements for running Ultra DMA:

Hard Disk Support: The hard disk itself must support Ultra DMA. In addition, the appropriate Ultra DMA mode must be enabled on the drive.

Controller Support: A controller capable of Ultra DMA transfers must be used. This can be either the interface controller built into the motherboard, or an add-in IDE/ATA interface card.

Operating System Support: The BIOS and/or operating system must support Ultra DMA transfers, and the hard disk must be set to operate in Ultra DMA in the operating system.

80-Conductor Cable: For Ultra DMA modes over 2, an 80-conductor cable must be used. If an 80-conductor cable is not detected by the system, 66 MB/s or 100 MB/s operation will be disabled.

On new systems there are few issues with running Ultra DMA, because the hardware is all new and designed to run in Ultra DMA mode. With older systems, things are a bit more complex. In theory, new drives should be backwards compatible with older controllers, and putting an Ultra DMA drive on an older PC should cause it to automatically run in a slower mode, such as PIO mode 4. Unfortunately, certain motherboards don't function well when an Ultra DMA drive is connected, and this may result in lockups or errors. A BIOS upgrade from the motherboard manufacturer is a good idea, if you are able to do this. Otherwise, you may need to use a special Ultra DMA software utility (available from the drive manufacturer) to tell the hard disk not to try to run in Ultra DMA mode. The same utility can be used to enable Ultra DMA mode on a drive that is set not to use it. You should use the utility specific to whatever make of drive you have.

-=databat=-

BH #2 - GPF

2006-12-22T05:00:00.001-05:00

What is GPF? Technical term, General Protection Fault. It's what happens when your shiny Micro$oft Windoze computer craps itself, something goes wrong, and you get the legendary BSOD. (Blue Screen of Death) This section contains bits and pieces of our lives that GPF. Jokes, situations, gags, etc. It will either leave you spitting nails, or put a smile on your face. Your mileage may vary.

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Nine Types of ComputerUsers

El Explicito:
"I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."
Mad Bomber:
"Well, I hit Alt-f6, shift-f8, Cntrl-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.
Frying Pan/Fire Tactician:
"It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."
Shaman:
"Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.
X-user:
"Will you look at those...um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.
Miracle Worker:
"But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word "horse-puckey".
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.
Taskmaster:
"Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"Advantages: Bold new challenges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name.
Maestro:
"Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this..."Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).
Princess:
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

The Evolution of a Programmer

High School/Jr.High

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

First year in College

program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.

Senior year in College

(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional

#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i < >Seasoned professional

#include
#include

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); string &operator=(const char *); }; ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) { return(stream << operator="(const" size =" strlen(chrs);" ptr =" new" str = "Hello World">Master Programmer

[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[
uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader();
importheader();
importheader();
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
aggregatable
]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};

#include "ipfix.hxx"

extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};

#include
#include
#include
#include
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
{
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}

CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
cObjRef--;
if( cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include
#include
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0);
}

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include
#include
#include
#include
#include
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc > 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
return(1);
}

// get print string
if(argc > 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}

Apprentice Hacker

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker

#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker

% cat
Hello, world.
^D

New Manager

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

Middle Manager

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

BH #2 - Choosing a Shell

2006-12-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

So you want a shell account? If you're one of those people, chances are you have a moderate level of computing knowledge. But how do you know which company to choose? What features do you need? How much should you spend? All of these are very important questions.

The first thing you need to ask yourself is, what will I be using this shell account for? Are you just looking for an easy way to learn a Unix like operating system? Or do you want to learn a specific Unix like operating system? Are you looking for a shell for programming/development purposes? Do you want to run eggdrop bots, a MUD, a voice chat server, an IRC server, etc.? This is the first step in deciding which shell you will be looking for. If you just want to learn basic shell commands and functions, an easy way to do this might be to find one of the various free shell providers that are always coming and going across the net. They typically don't allow you to run background processes, and they usually don't give you very much disk space. However, they are great beginner learning tools. You can't beat the price for that purpose either. The toughest thing would be finding one with the OS you want to learn. There are many flavors of Unix like operating systems including, but not limited to: Linux, System V, FreeBSD, Sun Solaris, SCO Unixware (blah), etc. Even among Linux there are various distributions such as Mandrake, RedHat, Debian, Slackware, etc. There aren't too many differences between the Linux distros as far as command line programs go. The biggest difference may be what programs and utilities are included with that distro, but ultimately that is decided by the host you choose. However, for learning purposes, you would be much better off picking up a used cheap computer, and installing Linux yourself if that's the flavor you're after. If you're interested in one of the commercial *nix's, then it's more cost effective to either pay for a shell, or find a free shell provider. There is a moderate difference between Linux, FreeBSD, and commercial *nix's. Thus far I have found the major differences in the command line options for the various programs, as well as the output of those programs. But with a bit of reading into the documentation, these differences aren't great enough to make switching between one or another to be catastrophic.

If you're looking for a shell for programming/development, it gets a little more complicated. You'll need enough disk space for all of your code as well as any data files you're program may require. If you're developing for the X-Window system, you really don't have much of a choice but to do your own local installation. Your own box at your house also gives you complete control over the system. Purchasing a shell account may leave you stuck with a shell that doesn't include the needed libraries for your program. Most shell providers will work with you as far as installing the needed libraries however, as long as there aren't any security issues. If they aren't, then there are a few work arounds to this, but require more disk space. These work arounds are beyond the scope of this article however.

Do you want to run eggdrop bots and/or background processes? Unless you have a static IP and a fast internet connection, you'll need to purchase a shell account then. If you have broadband, you can work around the dynamic IP address issue by using one of the dynamic DNS services available. It's just a little more work. It's far easier just to get a shell account for this purpose. They also tend to have faster uplink speeds than you will have with broadband. Again, disk space is an important factor, especially if you want to offer files from your bot. Also, pay attention to how many bots you can run simultaneously from your shell. How much processing power and RAM are you allowed to use? Keep this in mind when choosing. Typically, you can also run a BNC proxy from eggdrop shells with most providers. However, some providers offer BNC only accounts cheaper than eggdrop accounts.

Do you want to run a MUD (multi-user dungeon), IRC server, voice chat server, etc.? (note: in this article we are using MUD to refer to but not limited to MUD's, MOO's, MUSH's, Talkers, etc.) Most shell providers will offer specific accounts for these. MUD accounts typicly have different plans based on how much disk, RAM, CPU, how many ports, shell log ins, etc. you will need. Multiple log ins provide you with the flexibility to have your trusted MUD admins with shell access so that they may restart the MUD should it crash. This keeps you from having to do dawn patrol 24/7, or giving out your shell password to someone. This also enables you to have a shell login for a development version of your shell. Multiple process MUD shells also lets you have a development version of the MUD running for testing. You will need more than 1 port for this as well. (note: this also depends on the MUD code you are using). Most MUD accounts also provide you with a directory for your MUD to have it's own website as well. IRC server accounts generally cost more, and there is usually a limit on how many global clients you may have. This is usually due to bandwidth limitations. Also, pay attention to any special notices reguarding to any extra services you are/aren't allowed to run on your IRC server. These extra services usually consume extra CPU and RAM. I haven't had any personal experience with voice chat servers, but from what I understand of the technology, they are bandwidth intensive, and there are usually limitations on how many people you can have connected to the server.

Find out what popular software the provider offers with your account. These programs include, but aren't limited to: Compilers, Pine, Elm, lynx, BitchX, ircii, screen, ftp, ssh, scp, etc. Honestly, SSH and scp are a must. Standard telnet and ftp packets are sent in clear text. Passwords can be sniffed. It's only a matter of time before those accounts are hacked. Will it be your account? Don't play Russian Roulette. Make sure they have SSH. If you already have account that doesn't have SSH, politely ask the admin to install it, then insist, and if all else fails, switch. In most cases, you are responsible for what happens with your shell. Do you want to share a jail cell with Bubba because of what someone else did with your account?

In general, it is always important to look at how much disk space you get, any RAM usage limitations, how many background processes you are allowed, how many of those processes may be used for eggdrop or any process that opens a port, if you have a web directory, how much bandwidth you are allowed each month, etc. But most importantly, research before you buy. Some providers out there sell more accounts than the server can handle. Sure you might get 1 gig of disk with your account, but if they server only has a 10 gig drive, and they put 20 accounts on one machine, someone's going to get screwed somewhere. Not to mention, if it's a slow machine, the CPU will take a beating, and your processes will run very slowly. The easiest way to eval. a provider is to either see if you can get a free trial, or only purchase one months worth of service, and see how things are on the machine. Some providers have a good community on their servers, where people regularly nice CPU intensive processes (such as compressing backups), etc. so it doesn't slow down any eggdrop processes in use. Those servers also tend to have people who won't use disk needlessly. Other servers out there may have people who do their best to use up their disk space, run seti@home at nice 0, etc. Do your best to avoid those.

Another must, is to read the providers acceptable use policy. Most of the more stable ones reserve the right to kill any processes that are harming the stability of the server, delete files and suspend accounts that are using excessive amounts of disk space, etc. The more reputable providers won't do this needlessly, or to cover themselves because they oversold. In fact, the reputable guys won't oversell. Typically, you'll see these policy with providers that offer unlimited bandwidth and disk. Be wary of those as well. There are some providers that offer this, and have the bandwidth and the funds to hold up to their word. These are the guys who own their own data centers, multiple OC-3 connections, etc. Resellers who offer these perks are just blowing smoke. Research a potential provider carefully. Usually they try to hide it, but you can still find out if they're reselling. Make use of the whois database. In the U.S. make use of the Better Business Bureau. Ask around in IRC, check website reviews, etc. It's more risky to try a brand new provider. They usually offer awesome deals, but quite a few of them raise their prices later on, once you've gotten your account established, in hopes that you won't want to transfer all your data to another account, and go through the hassle of reconfiguring. These providers are nothing more than scum. Also, beware of paying for six and twelve months of service. While you can usually obtain a nice discount, make sure the provider has the capability to stay in business for that long. Also, keep in mind that if your account is hacked and used for illegal activity, you violate their acceptable use policy, they can terminate your account and not give you a refund. It is a good idea to check various website reviews as far as security reports. There may also be other sources on the net you can consult on the providers security. Usually those sources aren't exactly members of the warm and fuzzy internet society, but most of them will be more than willing to tell you how poor a providers security is. These types of people can't stand companies that sell second rate services.

What about upgradeability? If they don't offer unlimited bandwidth, what's their policy on going over your bandwidth? Do they charge an insane amount for going over? Do they cut your access until the next month? Can you set a limit on how much over you are willing to spend for? The same thing applies to disk, and other resources as well. If someone really doesn't like you, they could repeatedly download files you're offering via your web page using a fast connection to eat up your bandwidth and cost you money. Does the service have technology in place to prevent this? What about domain names? Are you able to upgrade your account so that you can use your own domain name? Can you rent a static IP? Can you upgrade to a better package they offer? What about MySQL? It's always a good idea to choose a provider where you have many affordable upgrade options. Usually, the more you learn about your shell the more you want to learn and experiment. You don't want to get stuck at a dead end where you are unable to upgrade.

Now lets talk price. Depending on the bells and whistles you get with your account, you could spend anywhere from $4 (US Dollars) a month to $40 a month. There are also some places out there that offer Virtual Servers. These usually have monthly bandwidth limitations, and various packages. Your mileage may vary. I have noticed that a lot of the virtual server providers are reseller accounts, or offer reseller programs. Now I'm not knocking reseller programs. However, if you choose to go with one of these guys, make sure you know what might happen if they go out of business. Will the parent company take over your account, etc. I can not stress this enough, research heavily before you buy. There are a lot of scams out there. By staying informed, you can keep from getting screwed. Shell providers are a dime a dozen. Good, reputable providers are worth their weight in gold. Make an informed decision before you whip out your credit card. With the reputable guys, you get what you pay for. With the scam artists, you always get fleeced. Learn the differences, learn to tell the difference. Keep safe out there!

-=databat=-

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-22T03:05:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune
Intolerance is the last defense of insecure.
[databat@ebob ~]$

The Little Drummer Boy

2006-12-21T19:38:00.000-05:00

I love Christmas always have and always will. I especially like Christmas music and as I was singing one of my favorites today. There is a line in it that caught my attention. The song was, "The Little Drummer Boy". The line is where the little drummer boy admits to the baby Jesus that he has no gift to bring that is fit for a king. I started thinking about that and what Christmas is all about. It is not about the gifts we buy to give one another. It is not about the food we eat the different ways we celebrate. It is about one thing and one thing alone. The birth of Jesus Christ and the wonderful gift he represented. The gift of eternal life. All we have to do is accept it.. thats it... nothing else. So when that little drummer boy is worried about not having a suitable gift the irony is the King had one for him.

UAE emirate bans pyjamas at work

2006-12-21T19:32:00.000-05:00

Umm... First of all, it's pajamas, not pyjamas. Secondly, I've heard of some businesses actually having a pajama day, but those people aren't seen by the public. However, civil servants? *boggle* What the heck are they doing wearing P.J.'s at work while dealing with the public anyways? What's more, what made so many people there think this was ok? Sounds like mismanagement to me. Perhaps they should just fire the knob-head who told his underlings it was ok to do this in the first place? What's more, they actually had to pass a law about it! This has, "Help! Help! I'm being repressed!", written all over it. C'mon UAE, join the rest of us in reality. You don't fix everything through legislation. Instead you lay out policy for different departments of government. Break policy and you get sacked. Simple, yet effective. Sheesh... Better yet, hire sane supervisors.

DUBAI (AFP) - The local government of Ras al-Khaimah in the United Arab Emirates has introduced a dress code for civil servants after a large number were caught wearing pyjamas at work.
The rule, effective from January 1, requires Emirati government employees to stick to the national dress -- the long white robe known as "kandoura" for men and the black abaya for women, newspapers reported Thursday.

Expatriates working for the local government will have to show up in suits and ties, Gulf News and Al-Khaleej reported.

The decision to impose a mandatory dress code was taken after a large number of employees were caught on duty in their sleeping attire and pyjamas, Gulf News quoted the head of the personnel department in the emirate, Maath al-Mutawaa, as saying.

Government employees will henceforth dress in a way reflecting the progress being seen in the emirate, he added.

The conservative emirate of Ras al-Khaimah at the northern tip of the UAE has recently been opening up to outsiders and launched a series of economic projects in a bid to catch up with more "advanced" members of the UAE, which includes oil-rich Abu Dhabi and Dubai, a business and tourism hub.

Baby put into X-ray machine at Los Angeles airport

2006-12-21T18:59:00.000-05:00

How stupid can you be!?!? There are little radiation stickers on there. You can even watch what other people do before you get up there for crying out loud! They even have those little signs out front with the pictures. I'm sorry, but if you don't understand the little pictures, you don't need to be breeding! Geesh!

LOS ANGELES, Dec 20 (Reuters Life!) - A woman sent her one-month-old grandson through an X-ray machine at Los Angeles International Airport, security officials said on Wednesday.

The woman, who spoke little English and was traveling to Mexico, put the infant in a plastic bin used to hold loose carry-on items for security scanning at the busy airport on Saturday morning.

Security screeners saw the baby as it started to pass through, pulled the bin out, and immediately sought medical assistance for the child, Transportation Security Administration spokesman Nico Melendez said.

The baby was examined at a local hospital and judged not to have received a dangerous dose of radiation.

"The lady obviously mistakenly put the baby in the machine. It was an unfortunate incident," Melendez said.

Airport officials said it was an innocent mistake by an inexperienced traveler and only the second such incident there since 1988, when a baby in a car seat went through an X-ray scanner.

Fiction

2006-12-21T18:00:00.000-05:00

The following are a listing of fictional stories for your enjoyment.

Through The Goblins' Eyes Series (fantasy)

Book 1 - Brothers Goblin

Brothers Goblin - Table of Contents

2006-12-21T17:31:00.000-05:00

Brothers Goblin - Credits, Copyright Info., Etc.

2006-12-21T17:30:00.008-05:00

This story was created based on the Soul Forge universe. Soul Forge is a persistent world online server for the Neverwinter Nights role playing computer game. Many writers, scripters, world builders, DM's, staff members, and players (former and current) put a lot of time and effort in creating this world for everyone to play in, and enjoy. As such, all references to Soul Forge characters, town names, places, etc. are property of Soul Forge and the Soul Forge community. However, the three goblins, as well as other characters were created by me, some of which may have been played by me on Soul Forge. Permission was given by the Soul Forge Staff for me to use their work for this story. This story should be treated as Fan Fiction.

If anyone feels I have left them out in this section, and deserve credit, please contact me by leaving a comment on this page, and I shall remedy the situation promptly. If I have used any of the characters you have played on the Soul Forge server, please contact me as well so I may credit you for your work.

Source material for this story may be found at the main Soul Forge Website, as well as the Soul Forge Community Forums. Information on the Neverwinter Nights computer game may be found on Bioware's website. This story is (c) Copyrighted by Eric Farmer, 2006. All sources are (c) Copyrighted by their various authors, creators, etc. Please follow the links for information on the sources respectively.

Notes: I have made every attempt to receive permission to use work from contributors. If you feel your work was used without your permission, please contact me via. the comment link on this page so that we may remedy the situation.

Use of this work in part or whole without permission of those who contributed is strictly prohibited. However, syndication, reviews, fair use, etc. is acceptable.

Chapter 1 - Food For Thought

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 10

2006-12-21T17:30:00.007-05:00

Chapter 9 - Change of Faith

Chapter 10
Stand Your Ground

As the pirates returned to their camp with their prisoner, a little goblin remained hidden in the bushes. He quietly peered out, taking note of the defenses, then creped off into the wood. Meanwhile, the goblin pirates and their halfling friends celebrated their victory as well as the capture of their first prisoner. "Oooh lets torture hims! We gets him ta talk!", exclaimed Frazzle as he hopped up and down excitedly. The other goblins agreed. They tied the man down to their newly built stretch rack. They removed his gag and began to question him. "Who sent yous?", Frazzle asked. The man spat in his face. "I wont tell you nuthin!", he shouted. Frazzle turned a large wooden wheel, pulling the ropes tighter. The prisoner groaned. "Who sent yous!", Frazzle yelled. "I'll rip out yer heart an eat it raw ya little green snot ball!", the man taunted. Frazzle snorted and turned the wheel again. "Arrgg!", the man groaned. "Tell me or dies!", Frazzle commanded. "Ok ok! A knight the Duke hired. He said you were up to no good in Kerns. The goblin king thought you both ran off with the food you stole from Kerns instead of giving it to him and agreed to help. We made a deal with him to hunt you down. That's all I know, honest!", the man cried as he burst into tears. "That little...", Frazzle grumbled as he began to curse. Not realizing it, he leaned upon the wooden wheel and slipped as it turned, falling onto the ground. The man screamed in horror as his limbs were torn from his body. Frazzle stood up, blinked, then whispered, "Ooops.." "What we do now", asked Frizzle. "We prepare for war.", Slazzle commanded cooly. Everyone agreed with their leader and began to fortify the camp. Traps were set in front of the cave as well as around the guard houses. Catapults were built on the far end of camp, near the sea to fire upon oncoming invaders. Trees were felled to make quarrels for their crossbows.

As they were finishing up their work, the wind suddenly shifted. The sounds of clanging metal could be heard. Everyone stopped their work to listen. "What that?", Frizzle whispered. "The enemy has found us it seems. Battle stations!", Slazzle barked. Everyone took up position. Advanced scounts scurried off into the trees to weaken the invaders. Soon curses and shouts could be heard from the forest. Unseen goblins rained a deadly fire of quarrels from treetops, and from underneeth bushes. A few soldiers were wounded and were carried to the back of the invading army to be cared for. However, they marched closer. "For honor and glory! For the Duke!", some shouted. "For gold and riches!", others cried. They charged ahead. The first wave were shredded to bits by spiked pits dug around the guard posts. As the second wave approached, a group of goblin pirates met them in a flurry of dagger slashes. The fighting was intense. Goblin and soldier both fell. However, at the end of the small skirmish, there were still a few soldiers standing. A second wave ran forth with stout guards in front, and prepared mages behind them. They began to hurl death upon the goblins as they ran to meet the soldiers. Fireballs errupted. Frazzle stepped up and began casting upon the enemy. Ice daggers shot forth from his little green hands, searing the soldiers and crippling them. Quickly, the mages let loose with magic missles upon Frizzle. The magical energy crackled hot to Frazle's horror. "Ahhh!", he cried as he ducked behind a bush. Slazzle ducked around the other side of the guard post to avoid certain death. Frazzle stood there bravely with his chest held high as the searing magic engulfed him, blinding anyone gazing directly at him. As the energies faded, Frazzle peered out to see his brother still standing, with a determined look upon his face. Frizzle had finally cast a spell properly, shielding him from magic missles.

Frizzle defiantly shouted his next spell. The invaders fell over laughing hystericly. "Ah well, can't expect hims ta get um all right...", Frazzle sighed, not realizing his brother's plan. As the soldiers lay wounded and the mages rendered helpless, Frazzle shouted, "Charge!" Three goblins rushed out with small daggers, driving them deeply into the invaders hearts. Slazzle shouted, "Good thinking!" They all looked around for a moment, noticing an eerie calmness that settled over the battlefield. "We wons!", exclaimed Frazzle. Suddenly, an arrow flew out from the tree line, directly into Slazzle's heart. His eyes widened in horror as he collapsed. "Now! Strike Swiftly!", was shouted from the forest as more arrows began to rain down upon the goblins, killing many. Slowly and steadily, militia archers marched from the wood towards the goblins, fireing arrows in rapid succession. Frizzle and Frazzle ducked, cowering over Slazzles body. "Slazzle...", they sniffled.

Just then, an loud voice boomed out in the midst of the battle. "NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS!" From the sea, a huge column of water rose up, taking on the shape of a giant head. Both sides stopped and gawked at the sight. The water began to crackle brightly with divine energy. "I will not allow one of my faithful to be felled by a simple arrow!", it screamed. Everyone covered their ears and cringed. The column of water rose higher and higher, looming over them like a giant tidal wave. The energies grew more intense. The invading army broke into chaos and began to scramble in all directions, not really sure what direction to run to for safety. Suddenly, CRASH! The water hit the battle field, lighting up everything in white hot magics. The cave entrance collapsed under the stress. The invading army screamed as they were being burned alive by the magical electricity coursing through them while they drown helplessly. Frizzle, Frazzle, and Slazzle's body were covered in water, the same energies wrapping around them as well, blinding the two goblin brothers.

The ground shook as storm clouds overhead gathered. Huge bolts of lightning struck the water-laden lands. Okeah's anger was mighty indeed, as the storm lasted for hours. Finally, the clouds dissapated and the waters receeded. Frizzle and Frazzle stood up and rubbed their eyes. Somehow, they survied. What was more unbelieveable was the fact that they were able to breath underwater. They looked around to survey the scene. Dead bodies littered the land, both goblin as well as human. Slazzle's halfling friends weren't even spared, as a few of them were impaled upon spears. They looked at each other curiously, then down at the spot where Slazzle had fallen. "Where body?", Frazzle asked. Frizzle just shrugged. "Priestess!?!?", they both called out. However, she was nowhere to be found. "Well they gota be here sumwheres, or at least a body. Yous dun just die an dissapear!", declared Frazzle. Frizzle just scratched his head. "So wut we do now?", asked Frazzle. "Guess start all over an get nuther crew. Maybes Slazzle an holy lady show up sumtime... or at least bodies anyways...", Frizzle whispered quietly, still shaken by the whole ordeal. The two goblin brothers gathered up a few weapons and water logged supplies, and set out upon Arkon to search for their friends, as well as to find a new pirate crew...

The End... or is it?

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 9

2006-12-21T17:30:00.006-05:00

Chapter 8 - Okeah's Anger

Chapter 9
Change of Faith

Once Frizzle finished his story, the priestess looked upon him with pity. "You three have the worst luck...", she commented. The goblins nodded gravely. "So... umm... wut yous do?", Slazzle inquired. "I am a priestess of Okeah, god of the sea, ruler of storms.", she replied proudly. "Oooh wow! I just priest of Zeeks... Not really good wun though.", Slazzle informed her. "Oh? Why is that?", she asked. "Well, I not likes hurting meself. Hurtin' others fun, but not self. Not many job perks eithers. I gota cut self, tie self up which real hard, an Zeeks want weird rituals. I not likes...", Slazzle whispered. Sensing an opportunity to further her own faith, the priestess smiled wryly and asked, "What do you like then?" "Pirate! I likes bein' a pirate! Arrr!", Slazzle squeeked. "Ah, many pirates worship Okeah as well. Perhaps with a change of faith, your luck would improve.", she hinted. "Ya really think so?", Slazzle gasped, getting rather excited. The priestess nodded. "Okies, but umm... wut I gota do? Do I just talks to him?" "Here, take my hand.", the priestess spoke in a gentle voice. Frizzle and Frazzle looked on curiously as Slazzle took the priestesses hand. They both began to pray quietly. Frizzle and Frazzle blinked as the sea became dead calm. Bubbles from the depths floated up off the port side of their small boat. Suddenly, water slowly began to rise from the water in a giant column. It took the shape of a large humanoid head. "I am Okeah, god of the seas, harbinger of destruction, traveler of the depths, master of the winds. I have heard your prayers little one. Repent for your crimes against my faithful and be judged.", a loud voice echoed. Slazzle dropped to his knees and began to worship. "Oh mighty one, I be at yous mercy. I sorries I got your priestess. It was accident. I not wants to hurt her. Please forgive, pretty please! I see you mighty, I want worship you an be pirate. I spread faith to others, I promise.", Slazzle begged. The giant head blew a cool breeze over Slazzle, causing him to shiver a bit, as well as glow. "You speak truth little one. Your heart is genuine. I accept your apology. You shall be one of my faithful. You will return to your former home, and gather more who are willing to follow. I have much work for you to do. The priestess shall guide and train you. Now go! And do not fail me, lest you feel my wrath once more!", the voice commanded. "Yes master! Yes sir!", whispered Slazzle as he continued to worship. Frizzle and Frazzle just held onto each other, trembling. The priestess nodded and whispered, "As you command master." The head slowly sank into the water as the glow around Slazzle faded. Suddenly, the small boat slowly began to float in an unknown direction. Slazzle sat up, and looked over at Frizzle and Frazzle, with a harsh look in his eyes. "We believe! We believe! We follow!", they stammered fearfully. "Good.", Slazzle smiled. "There is much I must teach you before we reach shore.", the priestess informed Slazzle. For the rest of their journey, she tutored him in the magics of Okeah.

The next day the sound of seagulls awoke the wayward travelers as the small boat thumped against the shore. They happily crawled out to survey their surroundings. They were standing at the edge of a thick forest, with a high rocky cliff to one side. Carved out into the cliff was a deep, dark cave. "Oooh lets go looky!", shouted Frazzle as he ran ahead. "Wait! Might be dangerous! Wait!", called Frizzle as he quickly ran after his brother. Slazzle and the priestess sighed as they followed close behind. Once at the mouth of the cave, Slazzle cast a spell to illuminate the way in front of them. The cave was rather deep, with a river running out from it. However, the winds blew from the sea into the cave. "Hmm... we could sail up river, an float back down. This might be good place for new pirate hideout. We gots lota wood nearby ta build ship an make good hideout.", commented Slazzle. "But we needs more for work or we be real old when we done...", Frazzle pointed out. Slazzle grinned and replied, "Just leaves that ta me. You two get workin, I go get help. Slazzle and the priestess disappeared into the forest, leaving Frizzle and Frazzle to their work. First, they fashioned crude axes from stones, vines, and small logs laying upon the forest floor. Then they felled many trees, using some to roll others near the cave. Slowly, they erected a couple lookout towers, and a small raft to float supplies in and out of
the cave.

A few days later, Slazzle and the Priestess returned with several more goblins, and even a few halflings. "Who these?", Frazzle inquired. "These old friends. They not really like king much.", grinned Slazzle. Frizzle recognized a few of the goblins, all had been exiled by the king. Some were carpenters, smiths, soldiers, etc. They joined in the efforts and soon they had built a formidable base. Work began slowly on their pirate ship. Such a craft required a lot of time to plan and build. "Hmm.. we still need more helps.", sighed Frizzle. "Yes, we go get others from cave that wana leave.", decreed Slazzle. Frizzle and Frazzle looked up at Slazzle in disbelief. "Make war on old home?", Frizzle whispered in a stunned voice as he remembered how formidable the defenses were, as well as being unsure of how many others would follow. Slazzle grinned widely and replied, "Yes. Okeah will helps us." With a wave of his arms, several air and water elementals appeared. All of the goblins cheered, grabbed their weapons, and they all marched through the wood towards Silverwood, towards their old home.

Once they arrived, several goblins shouted for everyone to man their battle stations. Others just dropped their weapons and greeted them. Soon however, each side began to organize and fierce fighting broke out. The elementals clearly outmatched the goblins in the cave, as several were thrown against the rock wall, loosing consciousness. The fighting continued as they journeyed deeper. Quarrels were flying, war cries were shouted, and death screams echoed throughout the deep dark cave. However, the King's faithful oracles had seen the coming battle, and they were prepared with a surprise of their own. The Duke and his elite guard stepped forth from a nearby corridor and smiled wryly at the goblins. Frizzle and Frazzle both looked stunned. "Charge!", the Duke cried as he and his men rushed. One of the guards began slashing as though he enjoyed being splattered in his enemies blood. Slashing low, he aimed to cut Frizzle down quickly. The agile little goblin jumped, missing a deathblow that would have surely sent him to visit Jaev, the Soul Forger in purgatory. Frazzle saw his brother in danger, and quickly his blood began to boil. "ARRRGGG!!!", he screamed as he pounced upon the guards back. The guard squirmed and contorted, trying to throw the little goblin off. But Frazzle held fast, and climbed up the man's back to his head. With a fierce look in his eyes, Frazzle pulled out his club and started beating the man in the head. "Who's yor daddy!", Frazzle cackled as the man's eardrums burst under the incessant clanging of wood against metal. The guard cried out and toppled over. Soon the goblins enveloped him, jabbing, stabbing, and even biting the man. The Duke Flanked Frazzle as he jumped from the man's falling body, bashing him hard with his shield. Frazzle went sailing off into the darkness, hitting the cave wall with a hard thump. Frizzle screamed a spell in anger with all of his breath at the Duke. A bright searing light flashed as a fireball erupted from his fingers, incinerating the Duke instantly. The smell of charred flesh filled the cave. The other guards were horrified. They turned and fled. However, the priestess grabbed the last one before he could get away and pulled him to the ground. The goblins quickly climbed on top of him and bound him with rope. They all shouted in victory as they carried him from the cave. Slazzle and Frizzle ran over to their fallen brother. Aside from a nasty bruise upon his back, and quite winded from his anger, he was ok. They all marched victoriously towards their hideout, with their new prisoner carried high above them. Helplessly, the frightened guard murmured, choking on the dirty sackcloth they had shoved into his mouth. It was a great day indeed for the goblin pirates. More numbers in their crew, and their first prisoner. Slazzle walked with Frizzle and Frazzle at the front, proudly. "You two be my trusted Lieutenants. You both gots promotion.", declared Slazzle. "Hooray!", Frizzle and Frazzle shouted triumphantly. For the time being, it seemed all three had found what they were looking for. Slazzle had finally grasped his leadership skills and used them to accomplish something. Frizzle and Frazzle finally found someone who understood them, as well as strong enough to provide the leadership they needed to flourish. All three had found their purpose in Arkon. But this wasn't the end. Oh no, it was just the beginning.....

Chapter 10 - Stand Your Ground

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 8

2006-12-21T17:30:00.005-05:00

Chapter 7 - Snatch N Grab

Chapter 8
Okeah's Anger

The crew of The Barnacle Tree used their pulleys to hastily pull the small boat out of the water. The first mate threw the bound woman onto the deck. The crew were scrambling for their battle stations, and rightfully so. Three Sudak warships were fast approaching. "Raise anchor and hoist thu sails!", barked Captain Schmee. "Load them cannons! Bring crossbows to bear, they'll be gettin close before long!", cried someone else. Frazzle yelped as the sails were raised, his leg caught in one of the knots. He was quickly lifted high into the air. Noticing this, the Captain called to him, "Ye see anything else?!" "Five more ships!", Frazzle called back. "Crew below, break out thu oars an start rowin' like yer life depends on it, cause it be that way fer sure, Arrr!", the Captain shouted into a pipe that lead down into the bowls of the ship. Suddenly, large wooden oars emerged from the sides of the ship, pushing the ship faster still. Cannons splashed all around the ship, drenching the crew on deck. Crewmen scurried to reload and fire their own cannons as quickly as possible. Frizzle and Slazzle helped the close range team knock as many crossbows as possible. They also strapped weapons to themselves, as they would serve as the boarding party should the other ships get close enough to make the jump. "Ready! Steady! Steady! Fire at will!", cried a Lieutenant." "Which wun's Will?", Frizzle asked with a bewildered expression on his face. Slazzle smacked him in the back of the head quickly. "Just shoot at sumbudy not on our boat dummy!", Slazzle barked. They fired the first volley of quarrels into the closest ship, ducked the incoming volley, picked up another loaded crossbow, and prepared to repeat the maneuver. Suddenly, another ship flanked the Barnacle Tree, sending a volley of quarrels onto the deck. The Captain took one in the shoulder and went down. Frazzle up top took one in the chest. The force hit him hard enough to knock him loose from the rope tangled around his ankle, and down he fell, hitting the deck with a loud thud that almost sounded like cannon fire. Frizzle looked upon his fallen brother with horror. "NOOOO!" he screamed. Raising his hands, he began to chant quickly. A thick fog enveloped the entire area. He cursed loudly and chanted again. The winds began to pick up, pushing the barnicle tree quickly out into the open sea, and pushing back the Sudak warships at the same time. Slazzle looked upon him in amazement. "Good work! How yous think o' that?", Slazzle asked. "I still messed up, spose ta be big fireball ta blow ums up. Brother!", Frizzle stammered as he ran over to Frazzle. Frazzle's eyes were glazed, his breathing terribly slow. His skin began turning from it's normal, sick green color, to a pale shade of yellow. Frazzle began to cry. "Brother! No! You canna dies! You only family I gots! Please dun go! Please!" Slazzle checked on the Captain. Blarney nodded gravely and said, "I'll live, tend to thu lil one yonder." Blarney grunted as he yanked the quarrel out of his shoulder. Slazzle nodded, and approached Frazzle. Frizzle yanked the quarrel from his brother's gut, and used the rest of the cloak he still had to try and stop the blood that gushed forth. Slazzle placed a comforting hand upon Frizzle's shoulder and whispered, "You needn't fear." Slazzle pulled a brightly glowing crystal from his pack. Holding it high into the air, he chanted the sacred words that had been passed down from one Oracle to the next. Bright magics flashed forth as the wounds on both Blarney Schmee, and Frazzle began to heal quickly. The Captain stood up immediately. "Arr! Good werk lad! An extra ration o' ale fer ya." Slazzle saluted proudly. While still weak, Frazzle sat up slowly, his normal green shade beginning to return. Frizzle hugged him tight and blubbered, "Brother! I thoughts you gonner fer good!" "Neh, I too green ta go likes that Arr!", replied Frazzle. Suddenly, Frizzle began to smack his brother around. "Don't yous ever ever ever scares me like that again, never ever ever!", he shouted. "Oww! Oww! Oww!", Frazzle yelped. Finally, Frazzle was able to subdue his attacker by tackling him, and gave his brother a hug. "A-hem!", Captain Schmee cleared his throat. Both goblins stood up, blushed, and saluted. "Sir!" "Nuff o' thu mushy stuff, there be werk ta be done.. Arrr...", replied the Captain. "Aye aye sir!", the goblins shouted, as they scurried off to continue their duties.

The fog began to clear just as the crew finished securing the cannons. They floated peacefully somewhere off the coast of Sharylaunn. As the rest of the crew continued to make minor repairs hear and there, the Captain turned to the lady bound in magical ropes. "Godspit! This isn't the right one! First mate, front an center!", Blarney yelled. The first mate staggered up to Blarney. "Yesshh shir? Hic..", he stammered. "Ye blunderin fool! Ye got thu wrong wun! That wun thar looks like a priestess o' Okeah!" "Notsh hic muh fault. Hic... Goblins dids it.. hic..." "Not yer fault!? Ye were in charge!" Blarney squats down and removes the gag from the woman's mouth. "Ye be alright miss?", Blarney inquired. It quickly became clear that the woman was extremely angry for being bound and gagged. "You brute! I curse you and your ship! Hear me! By Okeah's hand I curse thee!" Blarney stood, took a step back, and looked around warily. "No need ta be gettin' angry miss. Come 'morrow we'll set ya free. You not be thu wun we afters.", he stammered. The priestess spits, and continues to spew forth foul oaths at the pirates. "Arr... I be needin rest. Yer mess mate, yers ta deal with.", he told his first mate, and returned to the Captain's quarters. The first mate just slumped over and passed out.

Several hours later, after the sun had set, the first mate awoke. He rubbed his eyes and stood. The goblins sat over by the mast, and giggled. The first mate stood over the priestess. "Ye've caused me a bit o' trouble with thu capn'. Leme get a good look at ya..." He bent down, putting his dirty face inches from the priestess's face. "Well now, ye are a pretty wun. Thu goblins got taste, I'll give um that." He brushed his had accross her cheek, leaving a smudge behind. "I think I be havin' a bit o' fun with ye tonight, har har har!", he cackled. She spat in his eyes and cursed, "Ye nuthin but a sack o' troll dung! Ye touch me again an ye won be needin' a codpiece when I get done with ye, savage brute!" The first mate cursed, wiped his eyes, and growled angrily. He reared back and slapped the woman hard, knocking her to the deck. "Wench! A woman's place is in thu kitchen er in thu bed! I be teachin' ya sum respect, er cut out yer tounge I will!" The woman began to wimper softly. "Okeah... Please hear my prayers. Deliver me from these ruffians, I beg..." In the distance, a low rumble sounded as dark clouds rolled in. Lightning flashed accross the night sky as the wind began to houl. "Praise Okeah, praise him...", the woman whispered. "Shetup wench!", the first mate commanded as he kicked her in the stomach. No sooner had he kicked her, the winds picked up dramaticly, quickly reaching hurricane force. Rain began to dump from the sky as though large buckets hovered overhead. Immediately the first mate became frightened. Fighting the winds, he slowly made his way to the captain's door. Frizzle hung on tightly to the mast. Frazzle began to slide sideways, and grabbed Frizzle's feet to hang on. Slazze grabbed Frazzle's feet to prevent himself from being blown away. The first mate caught a glimpse of this out of the corner of his eye, and pounded upon the cabin door franticly. "What's all thu ruckus? This better be good er ye be walkin thu...", spoke the captain as he opened the door, his voice becoming lost in the winds. "Capn'! 'Tis thu priestess! We're doomed!", screamed the first mate, barely being heard over the fierce gale. "She's called Okeah down upon us!" The first mate's face began turning green, nearly matching the goblin's color as sea sickness set in. "Arrr.. It be yer fault. I told ye ta get thu 'oer wun. Least then we coulda offered Okeah a sacrifice. But takin' wun o' his holy, 'tis bad luck!" Suddenly, the wind strengthened again. Frizzle lost his grip, sending all three goblins into the darkness. The wind picked up the priestess as well, carrying her past the two pirates, still crying and spewing forth foul curses at them. Blarney made his way over to the mast, and hung on for dear life as the wind lifted his feet from the deck, threatening to send him into the darkness. The first mate wasn't so lucky however. The winds drove him back, sending him crashing through the railing and off the side of the ship. The rain was pouring down in stinging torrents. Blarney cried out, "Lunias! Aid me! Calm his anger, I beg ye!" Suddenly, lightning arced from the sky, hitting the ship and tearing it to shreds. Wood flew everywhere, and Blarney plunged into the sea. A sharp pain filled his head as the salt water splashed over him. Touching his face, he realized a piece of wood had pierced his eye, still protruding from his skull. As his world began to grow dark, he grabbed hold of something floating by, and lost conciousness...

As the storm began to die, the three goblins struggled to remain afloat. Pieces of wood floated all around them, yet each time they tried to grab one, a wave would send it further away, keeping it out of reach. As if by miracle, the small landing craft they had used earlier floated by, unharmed by Okeah's anger. The goblins quickly grabbed hold of it, and pulled themselves inside. To their surprise, the bound priestess lay in the bottom. The goblins looked at each other, completely dumbfounded. "Wuts we do wif her now?", Frizzle asked. "We nots pirates no more I guess. We lets her go now, yep.", replied Frazzle as they began to untie the ropes. The priestess rubbed her sore wrists, and looked upon the goblins with a bit of confusion. "Your not really pirates? How did you fall in with that bunch?", she asked them. Frizzle replied, "Well... it all began..."

Chapter 9 - Change of Faith

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 6

2006-12-21T17:30:00.004-05:00

Chapter 5 - Green Exposure

Chapter 6
Swash Your Buckles

As the ferry floated lazily upon the river, loud thunder crackled overhead as a huge, ominous rain cloud hovered overhead. "Okeah looks a bit angry t'day.", the Captain commented gravely. "Better hurry an get ta shore." Suddenly, the wind picked up speed as rain began to pour down upon the ferry. Frizzle and Frazzle toppled over, revealing themselves for who they were. The startled crew began to shout. Various weapons were drawn as the goblins were chased about the boat. "Ahh! Run! They gonna kills us!", cried Frizzle. "Run where dumb dumb! We on boat!", replied Frazzle as they scurried about. The chase was intense. The sailors were cursing, the goblins were jumping and running about franticly. Everyone was to busy to notice the storm was blowing them out to sea. The chase lasted hours, as the goblins ran across every inch of the ferry, above and below deck. Just as the storm began to let up, the goblins were cornered at the bow of the ship. "Please dun kills us!", pleaded Frizzle as the captain plodded towards them, scimitar drawn menacingly. BOOM! SPLASH! Something landed extremely close to the ferry, sending salt water over the boat and into the Captain's face. She looked around and realized, they were out at sea. What was worse, another ship was dangerously close, a black flag with skull and crossed bones flying high. "Arrr! Surrender an we won't be killin ya!" The ferry was without weapons, nor a quick means of sailing back to land. With a heavy sigh, the Captain raised a white flag of surrender as the pirate ship floated ever closer.

Soon, pirates were jumping aboard, shouting, swearing, and groping the passengers. Several went below to raid the cargo holds. A scruffy man with a wooden leg approached the Captain and the goblins. "Arrr. After we get wut we want, we be lettin ye go free.", he stated matter of factly. "Who are you knave!?", the Captain boldy inquired. "I be Blarney Cutthroat Schmee, Captain o' the Barnicle Tree, pirate o' thu Shimmerin' Sea! Arrrr!", he exclaimed dramatically. The Ferry Captain quivered in fear, and bowed her head in submission. Suddenly, Frazzle called out, "Arrr! Hail Captain Schmee!" "Wut you doin stupids?", whispered Frizzle. "Gettin us outa this, an dun calls me stupids, dummy!", he whispered back. "Now wut this be here?", inquired the pirate. "We be pirates too yup, an we wana join up!", explained Frazzle as he pulled his dagger, and made a few swipes in the air. "Har har har! Kinda small ta be pirates aren't ye? Well now, how do I be knowin ya piratey nuff?" "We snucks here ta trick ums out ta sea fer ya, Arrr!!", Frazzle squeaked. Blarney just grinned and chuckled. "I guess ye can be joinin' up then, since ye helped us an all. Now get below an help with thu rest o' thu loot before ye end up swabbin thu deck, Arrr!!!" "Aye aye sir!", the goblins yelped as they both saluted, then headed below to loot the ship with the rest of the pirates. The ferry captain cursed under her breath and glared at the goblins as they began to haul up food supplies from below.

Before long, the ferry was but a distant speck upon the horizon as Frizzle and Frazzle stood upon the deck of the Barnacle Tree. They both turned to each other, grinned, and said, "Arrrr! Hahahahha!" It was a fine day indeed. Blarney Schmee looked upon the goblins with a smile upon his face. It didn't matter if he believed the goblins had actually helped bring the ferry out. Their food stores were full, their holds had gold, valuable jewelry, and enough ale to travel to Sudak and back several times. It was a good day for them all. Frazzle sat by the railing beside his brother. Taking the cloak, he cut out a small scrap of cloth and tied it around his head, covering his eye. Blarney walked by and looked down at the goblins curiously. Frazzle just looked up, smiled, and said, "Arrr!" "Har har, ye look a bit more piratey now lil one. Keep at it.", Blarney chuckled as he continued looking after the ship. Frizzle just shrugged, and made himself an eye patch. "So, wut we do now?", Frizzle asked his brother. "Umm... I dunno. Go pirate I guess.", Frazzle replied. "Dumb dumb, that not what I ment. How we get back?", replied Frizzle. "Stop callin me dumb! I dunno how we gets back yet, but we gots food an peoples that not try ta kill us, now shet up an try ta look piratey!", Frazzle snapped.

The two goblins went about their business, swabbing the deck, learning to tie knots, and of course, drinking and playing cards with the rest of the crew...

Chapter 7 - Snatch N Grab

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 5

2006-12-21T17:30:00.003-05:00

Chapter 4 - The Great Escape

Chapter 5
Green Exposure

After a few hours, the goblins came across an old door with a sign out front. "The Black Lotus Inn" From the shadows, they watched for some time as various shady looking cutthroats, thieves, thugs, and other assorted criminals came and went. Finally, Frazzle whispered, "Looks safe nuff. Lets go." "In there? But thems peoples look real mean an tuff.", Frizzle pointed out. "Yup, an that why we be safe. They run frum guards too. They not go turn us in, they get arrested too yup yup.", Frazzle retorted. He quickly grabbed his brother by the arm, and dragged him inside as the next patron entered. Unnoticed, they ducked into a dark corner and watched. There were quite a few people at various tables. Some whispered quietly, while some loudly cursed and challenged others. Most were drunk from too much ale. Those that weren't were quickly getting there. In one corner of the Inn, a man was peddling various wares, no questions asked, surrounded by a thick haze of smoke. The goblins whispered quietly to each other, and agreed to avoid that area. "So wut we do now?", asked Frazzle worriedly. "We can't lives here forever. We gots no gold, an they not look generous." Frizzle replied, "I gots idea, just do wut I do." "I dun like thu sound a that. I always end up wif ugly girl chasin me when you say that...", sighed Frazzle as he nervously followed his brother. Together they stood by the door, greeting patrons cheerfully as they entered. "G'day sir. Take yer cloak an hat?" Most just ignored them, however, a few grunted as they walked past.

Finally, a young man entered the Inn. He was cleanly shaved, and smelled as if he had bathed recently. He was clearly out of place. The patrons stopped what they were doing and stared. "Take yer cloak an hat sir?", Frizzle asked. "My, what good service in this fine establishment. Thank you little fellow!", replied the adventurer, handing over his cloak and hat. The young man sat down at the table, waved his fingers in the air snobbishly. "Waiter! A glass of your finest wine if you please!" All the patrons stood up, and slowly approached this obviously easy mark, laughing and snorting. Suddenly, they pounced. The fighting was intense. "C'mon!", Frizzle shouted to his brother. They quickly slipped out the door with the adventurer's cloak and hat. After running a ways, they stopped at a sewer grate leading to the surface, gasping for air. "Wut we gonna do with cloak an hat?", asked Frazzle. "We gonna be human. You gets on bottom. I gets on shoulders. We wraps up an I wear hat.", Frizzle informed him. "Hey why you gets on top! I wanna wear hat!", complained Frazzle. "Cause it my idea.", Frizzle challenged. "No no no! I wanna be on top!", Frazzle complained. "Okies, how bout we flip for it?", grinned Frizzle as he pulled a shiny gold coin from a hidden pocket in the cloak. "Okies.", agreed Frazzle. "Heads I win, tails you loose.", Frizzle declared as he tossed the coin into the air. The coin flipped end over end straight up, and into Frazzle's hand. "Drat! Tails, I loose...", sighed Frazzle, handing the coin back to his brother. Frizzle clumsily climbed onto his brothers back, wrapped the cloak around them,
and placed the over sized hat upon his head, hiding most of his face. Carefully, they climbed the ladder and made their way into the Davenport streets...

Slowly their eyes readjusted to the sunlight shining dimly from the horizon. Citizens and nobles were wandering about, running errands and chatting with each other. Frizzle and Frazzle stumbled around in their make-shift disguise like a drunkard making his way home from the tavern. As they turned the corner, they accidentally bumped into a noblewoman. "Ah! You drunken brute! Stay back or I shall summon the guards!", she called out helplessly. With a mischievous cackle, Frizzle opened the front of the cloak, Frazzle following his lead. "Oooh my...", cried the woman as she fainted from the sight of the mysterious green body flashing her. "Hahahhaha! Good fun!", Frazzle commented. "Quick, get her coin purse!", commanded Frizzle. Frazzle quickly snatched it from her belt, passed it up to his brother, where he placed it in the secret pocket of the cloak. After wrapping themselves up once again, they teetered down another alley to seek out another victim to unleash their mean, green, indecency.

It was a busy night for the goblins. Teeter, shout, flash, faint, cackle, grab, teeter off. After a few victims, they had it down to a fine art. In many homes all over Davenport, distressed noblewomen poured their hearts out to their husbands, of how they were robbed by the disfigured green pervert. It wasn't long before more guards began patrolling the streets. "We gotsta go. To thu ferry.", commanded Frizzle. Nearly out of breath, Frazzle slowly made his way to the ferry. The captain looked them over suspiciously, but only shrugged and allowed them passage after they produced twenty gold for her troubles. The goblins wobbled onto the boat, and sailed off into the mists towards Kern's Flatland, just across the river....

Chapter 6 - Swash Your Buckles

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 4

2006-12-21T17:30:00.002-05:00

Chapter 3 - Cruel Interrogation

Chapter 4
The Great Escape

Many hours had passed. Frizzle was still unsure if his brother was alive or dead. He couldn't even hear himself cry. Frazzle had regained consciousness, waking up in darkness, thinking he were dead, and this was the abyss. Neither could hear the other crying. They both felt completely helpless. Suddenly, the darkness vanished, bringing the Duke and mage into view. They both chuckled psychotically, smiling at the two crying goblins. "Now, are you ready to talk?", the Duke asked. "But we dun tolds you everythin'!! Honest!", both goblins pleaded. "Hrmph! I see they are strong willed. Perhaps a night or two spent with their... new friends behind bars will encourage them to talk, muhahaha!", the Duke cackled. He summoned the guard, and the two goblins were quickly escorted back to their foul smelling cell.

As the guard walked away, the two goblins began to argue fiercely. "Big dummy, all your fault!" "My fault!?!? You stupid idea make deal wif human! Your fault!" The more they argued, the less they actually believed the other one was at fault. However, they continued to argue to avoid sleep, as the half-orc in the cell to their left continued to stare at both of them while drooling a large puddle upon the floor of his cell. A short while before dawn, the shady character in the cell to their right was becoming irritated. He wanted nothing more than to shut them up. As will all rogues, he had a plan. "Psst... Over here... Yea you two green fellas. You wan out?", he whispered. The goblins looked at each other, nodded, then met with the man over by the bars. "Take this 'ere chisel, an keep at them walls an ye'll be outa 'ere in no time, but ya gota promise ta take me with ya.", he offered. The goblins replied in unison, "Okies!" With that, they began the slow, tedious work of chiseling a hole in the back wall of the cell. The shady character relaxed upon his bedroll, alone with his thoughts. "Heh, they'll never get through, but at least I can get sum sleep. 'Sides... If they do get out they'll keep their promise, they look like easy marks..." With that, the shady looking guy fell asleep.

As Frizzle and Frazzle worked furiously, they failed to notice the dawn shining through the barred window high upon the wall, nor the guard strolling down the corridor with their nutritious breakfast wich consisted of some sort of gray mush that looked almost as if it had been previously digested by something else...

"Aight, come et yer gruel...", the guard mumbled as he opened the cell door. "Wuts this!?!? Hey wut are you...", he yelped in confusion. The startled goblins looked at each other, then the guard. Frizzle grabbed the filthy chamber pot, and quickly chunked it in the guards face, spilling filth and grime all over him, and into his armor. "Wut you doin!", Frazzle cried out franticly. "RUN!", Yelped Frazzle as he ran and slid through the filth, between the guards legs, and out the cell door. Frazzle followed his brother, shoving the chisel into a joint in the codpiece of the guards armor. The guard immediately doubled over, falling face first into the muck, gagging and choking. The commotion quickly awoke the shady character in the neighboring cell who quickly cried out, "Hey wut bout me! Get me outa here!" Their half-orc neighbor just screamed, "Breakfast! Come back!" However, the goblins just kept running, through the halls, and out onto the street. The citizens were shocked and just stood their gawking. "This way!", Frizzle yelped as he pulled his brother along. Down they went, into a nearby sewer entrance.

After running a short ways, they stopped to catch their breath in a corridor. Frizzle looked at his brother, grinned, and playfully punched his arm as he called out, "Pokes!" Frizzle giggled as he held his nose. "Pokes? Wut you mean? That not me! I not do it!", Frazzle protested.
"It smell like you.", Frizzle pointedly replied. "Hey, how you know wut mine smell like? You follow me sniffin round?", mocked Frazzle. "Remember time at big feast, you did it near king an blame on Oracle?", reminded Frizzle. Frazzle chuckled, grinned from ear to ear, and replied, "Yeah... Good times that. Wut ever happen to him?" "King exile hims. Half-Orc finds an think he lucky leprechaun. She carry off an ravish hims. They married now!", Frizzle stated matter-of-factly. Frazzle sighed and shook his head. "That poor poor goblin." Frizzle giggled and replied, "Their poor kids ya means. They real ugly. Like beat with ugly stick - demon not wants - ugly." They both burst into laughter. Finally Frizzle asked, "Well if you nots do it, an I nots do it, who did?" Frazzle smacked his brother in the back of the head again and said, "Dummy! We in human sewer! Look!" They both scrunched their noses as Frazzle pointed out various lumpy objects floating past their feet. "Lets go. We gots find spot ta think.", said Frazzle as they continued their journey into the depths of the Davenport Sewers.

Chapter 5 - Green Exposure

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 3

2006-12-21T17:30:00.001-05:00

Chapter 2 - Bushwacked

Chapter 3
Cruel Interrogation

The jail reeked of sweat, grime, and other such filth best left unmentioned. The bars were coated with a mysterious green slime that would cause the greatest alchemists to scratch their heads. Their cell was sparsely furnished with a flea infested bedroll for each of them, one chamber pot that looked as if it had never been emptied since the jail was built, and a wall filled with scratch marks from past prisoners marking the time. In the cell to their left, a large half-orc eyed them hungrily. In the cell to their right, a shady looking character leaned against the wall, looking rather relaxed.

"See, never ever trust human.", Frazzle scolded. "How was I spose ta know he would lie?", Frizzle asked sheepishly. "Quiet you two! The Duke is ready to question you now!", A guard barked gruffly as he opened the cell. Knowing the drill, both goblins stood there passively while their wrists were bound once again. They were then marched up the corridor to an interrogation room.

The room was small and empty, except for three chairs. Two chairs sat side by side, and a third sat in front of the other two. Frizzle and Frazzle were seated in the two chairs that were side by side. The guard left, slamming the iron door shut. Strangely, it made no sound. Frizzle looked at his brother, and tried to speak. His mouth moved but no sound was heard. Frazzle tried as well. Nothing... They both gave each other a confused look, and shrugged. For hours, they both stared at the walls, ceiling, counted specks of dirt, counted each others warts, etc.

Finally, the door opened again. An old man entered, wearing ornate robes, and carrying a glowing staff. Behind him, the Duke of Davenport. The guard shut the door behind them. The old man made a weird, glowing symbol in the air with the tip of his finger. Both goblins felt a strange tingle. "What was that?", Frizzle asked. "Hey! I can hear you now!", Frazzle stated joyously. "Silence! You will answer my questions truthfully or you will remain here until you starve.", The Duke demanded. Both goblins nodded helplessly. "Now, what were you both doing out in Kerns?", the Duke asked. "We go there looks for food, yup.", Frazzle responded. "Lies!", the Duke shouted. The old mage pulled a wand from his sleeve, pointed it at Frazzle, and activated it. A bright blue glow sprung forth, zapping Frazzle with electricity. "Owww! Hey orc kisser! That hurt!", he cursed. ZAP! "Owww! Why you sorry Drow lovin' girdle wearin dirt eatin old codger!", he swore again. ZAP! ZAP! Frazzle lost consciousness. Frizzle looked at his brother, then the mage, with a horrified look. The Duke turned his attention toward Frizzle. "Now, I suspect we'll get more cooperation from you, aye?" Frizzle just nodded. "Now, what were you two really doing in Kerns?", he asked again. Frizzle began to cry. "We was just hungry, honest. We go looks for food. That all.", he blubbered. The mage pointed the wand at Frizzle. "Please!?!? No!!! I tells truth! We just finds food! That all! Dun hurt please!", Frizzle sobbed. "Hmm... perhaps we did not leave them here long enough.", the Duke stated coolly, as he stood up and left the room. Frizzle continued to sob as he was left alone with the old mage. The mage just grinned sadistically, pulling another wand from his sleeve. He waved it in the air, and once again silence filled the room. As he turned to leave, he tossed something in the air, and the room was plunged into a magical darkness. Frizzle was unable to see or hear the iron door slam shut as the old mage left. His senses were useless, save for feeling his own tears rolling down his cheeks...

Chapter 4 - The Great Escape

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 2

2006-12-21T17:30:00.000-05:00

Chapter 1 - Food For Thought

Chapter 2
Bushwacked

It was a hot day in Silverwood Forest, the kind of day that makes you want to trade your sword for a cold glass of ale. The leaves up in the canopy did their best to block out the sun, trapping humidity in the process. Frizzle and Frazzle stood bravely at the entrance to the cave, waiting for the adventurer's return. Sweating profusely, both goblins stood their, swatting at gnats and cursing the heat. "Hot, too hot... I hopes man come back soon wif ale.", Frazzle commented. "Ale? I just wants sumthin ta eat. I hungry yup yup.", replied Frizzle as his stomach growled loudly... or so they thought. They both heard it again and looked off to their left. "Wolf! Ruuuunnn!!!", they both screamed and took off into the forest. The wolf was in close pursuit, nipping at their little green heals. With lightning quick dexterity, the two brothers jumped logs, crawled under bushes, and ran through briars to evade the wolves. Suddenly, SMACK! FLOP! "Owww!", They both cried and looked up to see a wagon wheel they had both ran into. They both looked up and stated quizzically, "Adventurer?" The man driving the wagon was the same one they had made a deal with earlier in their cave, shiny armor and all. The man looked down at them and asked, "What's this? What's all the comotion?" Soon his question was answered as the wolf tore through the trees, lunging toward the two goblins. Reacting quickly, the adventurer grabbed his loaded crossbow, aimed, and fired. The shot barely missed the wolf. It halted, stared at the adventurer, and growled hatefully. The adventurer leaped from the cart, putting himself between the goblins and the wolf with his sword drawn. "Git! Shoo!", he barked at the wolf. The wolf howled, and ran off in the opposite direction.

Turning to the goblins, the adventurer looked them over. "Now what have you two been getting into eh?", he asked. "We waits for you bring food an wolf thinks we food. You gots food mister?", Frizzle asked. The adventurer chuckled and replied, "Well I have come looking for you two, but it isn't fod I bring. NOW!" The canvas on the wagon slid off, and three other stout men in full plate surrounded the goblins, swords drawn, and ready to fight. "You will come with us quietly or face your death!", the adventurer stated heroically. "What we do? What we do?", Frazzle asked nervously. "Well, there is the matter of the gold you gave me, the gold you stole from me! But the Duke of Davenport deems that you be captured alive for questioning.", He responded coolly. With a heavy sigh, both goblins laid upon the ground with their hands behind their back, as one of the men bound them. "See, I tolds you we shoulda went swimming instead.", Frizzle pointedly told his brother. "Shut up troll sniffer!", Frazzle hatefully replied. They were both tossed into small cages in the cart, and hauled off to the Davenport Jail...

Chapter 3 - Cruel Interrogation

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 7

2006-12-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

Chapter 6 - Swash Your Buckles

Chapter 7
Snatch N Grab

Blarney Schmee paced nervously about the deck as The Barnacle Tree slowly drifted closer to the shores of Sudak. This plan had to be pulled off just right. However risky, the payoff would be huge. "First Mate, front an center! Arrr!", Blarney barked. The first mate quickly ran over to the captain, and stood at attention. "We be kidnappin a woman in that thar house. Make sure ye get thu right house. Oh, an take thu new recruits with ye, so they can earn their land legs, ARRR!!!" The first mate saluted, did an about face, and began preparing his gear, while grumbling about having to take the goblins along.

After hearing the news, Frizzle studied his meager spell book furiously, determined to be prepared for anything. Frazzle sharpened his daggers, and checked himself in a mirror to make sure his eye patch was in the perfect spot. He just had to look piratey enough. Especially for his first official act of piracy. "C'mon, we be shovin off fer shore.", barked the first mate. Frizzle and Frazzle scrambled over to the small boat. As soon as they were all in, one of the deck hands lowered their small craft into the briny sea, and bellowed out a hardy, "ARRRR!", for luck. "Alright, man yer ore an get to it! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!", called the first mate as the goblins began to row. "Why we gotsta row?", Frazzle asked his brother. "Cause we new, now shut up an keep rowin' b'fore we gets in trouble again. I dun wana hafta swab deck no mores.", replied Frizzle. Before long, they floated up onto the beachhead. All three hopped out, pulled the boat up a bit, and secured it to a nearby rock with a length of rope. "Now, ye two go fetch thu girl, um gonna go have me a bit o' swil at thu tavern. Send fer me when ye get thu job done, arrr...", declared the first mate as he strolled towards the tavern.

Frizzle and Frazzle looked at each other, shrugged, then began walking towards the houses in Sudak. "So umm.. which house we go to?", asked Frazzle. "I dunnos, I thought you knew.", replied Frizzle. "Hmm... maybes we scout first, gota be lady in wun somewheres." "Oooh good ideas!" The goblins scurried over by a small with an open window. "Here, help me up ta look.", Frizzle ordered his brother. Frazzle carefully hoisted his brother up onto his shoulders. Frizzle slowly rose up, peering curiously through the opened window. His eyes widened as he saw a pale, scantily clad woman, smiling seductively at him. However, her skeletal arm was what gave him the most concern. "Why hello there handsome. Where have YOU been all my life?", she winked suggestively at him. YOINK! Suddenly, Frizzle was no longer standing upon Frazzle's shoulders. "Frizzle!?", Frazzle called out in a stern whisper. "Where you go?" However, Frazzle was too busy with problems of his own to hear his brother. The pale lady had grabbed Frizzle, threw him upon the bed, pinning him beneath her. "GULP!" Frizzle began to sweat, as the lady smiled at him seductively, revealing sharp fangs. "W.. wut yous gunna do wif me?", Frizzle asked nervously. The lady smiled and replied, "Why, I just wana play for a little while. My, you look good enough to eat." Frizzle squirmed nervously. "You nots wana et me, I taste bad, an real skinny too. The pale lady just chuckled, and began to lower her teeth towards Frizzle's neck. Suddenly, the sounds of another goblin could be heard. "Yahooiiieee!", cried Frazzle as he used a nearby stick to pole vault himself through the window. He summer salted through the air, hitting the lady hard, sending her rolling off the bed and onto the floor. Frazzle looked over at her, then at his brother. "Hey why yous get woman an I don't?" Frizzle jumped up, grabbed his brothers hand, and began pulling him in a hard run off the bed and through the house. "You haves her if ya wants. She undead. Lets get outa here." Quickly, they ran out of the house, down an alley, and into another house where they both crashed into another goblin. All three went rolling backwards, dazed and confused.

The third goblin sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Frizzle? Frazzle? Wut you two doin 'ere?", he asked. Frizzle and Frazzle looked at each other, then at the third goblin. "Oracle Slazzle?", they brothers asked with a bewildered look. Slazzle nodded. "This my home now. You come ta visit?", Slazzle asked with a sad look upon his face. "Umm... yea. We come ta visit.", Frazzle replied. Suddenly, something that looked like a giant goblin with a scrunched up nose lumbered by in a quick toddle. Another one soon followed, both giggling. "Ahh! Moster! Wut that!?", cried Frazzle. Slazzle and Frizzle both smacked him in the back of the head. "Those my kids stoopid!", Slazzle scolded. "Yous fault um here! I should zap both yous!" "Wows, they really are ugly...", Frazzle whispered to his brother. Suddenly, the ground began to shake as a large, half-orc woman lumbered into the living room. "Wut this? More lucky leprechauns? Maybe I keep too!", the lady chuckled. Thinking quickly, Frizzle stepped forward and spoke. "We his friend. He important to us, an we need hims to defend leprechaun king. He fierce warrior, an we needs him for big fight. We brings back when war over okies?" The half-orc's eyes lit up. "My honey wumpus big warrior! Never tolds me that. Go save your peoples. I stay and watch kids. Special treat when yous come home alive.", she declared as she winked suggestively at Slazzle. Slazzle just grimaced, and nodded. "Goodbye dearest, I be back soon." Slazzle grabbed Frizzle and Frazzle's hands, and dragged them out the door before they could start laughing and teasing him.

In a dark alley, Frizzle and Frizzle informed Slazzle of their latest adventures. "You two, pirates?! Hahahahah!", Slazzle giggled. "Yea yea laugh, but if you want outa here, yous gota be pirate too.", declared Frazzle, handing Slazzle a spare eyepatch. Slazzle slid it upon his head, over his eye, and cried out, "Arrr! Hahahaha!" "Umm... needs work..", commented Frizzle. "Now, we gotsta go kidnap sum lady an go back to boat.", Frazzle informed him. "I know where a lady is. This way." Slazzle took them both to a small hovel. "On three. Wun, two, three!", they cried out as they burst through the door. Two startled women were sitting at a table, playing cards. "I gets um! Fortonu.. Fordiguma!", chanted Frizzle. Magics flashed forth from his little green hands but had no apparent effect... or so they thought. "You big dummy, fizzled again!", scolded Frazzle. Suddenly, one woman stood up. "What's this, intruders near, oh dear oh dear." The second woman gave her a confused look and asked, "Are ye daft, why must you rhyme, this is no time for laughs, they are committing a serious crime!" Both women stopped and covered their mouths. Slazzle and Frazzle both gawked at Frizzle. "A rhyming spell?", they both asked dumbfoundedly. Frizzle just shrugged sheepishly and replied, "Was spose ta umm... bind ums wif ropes... heh.." Slazzle just rolled his eyes, chanted his spell, and ropes instantly bound both women. "Now which one we takes?", Frazzle asked. "Umm..., that one I guess...", Frizzle pointed. The three goblins stuffed a gag into the woman's mouth, and carried her horizontally out the door, towards their boat. Soon guards began chasing them. They ran towards the boat, with the bound and gagged woman high above their heads. The first mate stumbled drunkenly out of the tavern to see what the commotion was about. "Oh gods... they screwed up..hic..", he muttered as he stammered over to the boat. The four threw the woman into the boat, and quickly set out to seat. All four rowed as fast and as hard as they could.

Chapter 8 - Okeah's Anger

Brothers Goblin - Chapter 1

2006-12-21T17:25:00.000-05:00

Credits, Copyright Info, Etc.

Chapter 1
Food For Thought

One day two goblins were skulking about Kern's, Frizzle and Frazzle. "See, I told you this was the wrong way! Look, you holds map upside down!", Frazzle yelled at his brother. "Oh.. Well umm... food that ways then", he sheepishly replied after flipping the map over. While walking and looking at the map, they weren't really paying attention to where they were going, running right into a human. "Ahhh! Goblins!", the peasant screamed. "Ahhh! Human!", the goblins screamed, running away from each other in opposite directions. While the human was running to find a guard, the goblins quickly ran back into Silverwood Forest, to one of their.

There they sat, at a desk in the middle of the woods, catching their breaths. Frizzle rummaged through the papers strewn about. "Hey bonehead, whats you doin? We still gota go back an get food.", Frazzle asked his brother. Frizzle replied, "I looks for scroll that help, or different map
maybes." "Oh Gods, don't be meddlin with scrolls! You nots an archmage yet. Just apprentice, remembers what yous master said?", reminded Frazzle worriedly. "Relax. Trust me. Hey what this? Fortonu... Fordiga...", Frazzle mumbled aloud as he was reading one of the strewn parchments. Suddenly, grease appeared from thin air, causing the two to slip and slide in all directions. Frazzle, angry at his brother, smacked him in the back of the head, sending him sailing across and out of the grease puddle. He finally stopped when he smacked into something hard, shiny, and metal. He looked up to see someone wearing full plate, carrying a
sword, and shield. "AAAAHHH!!! Adventurer!", Frizzle screamed as he ran back into the grease puddle, falling again. "AHHH! Goblins!", screamed the adventurer as he ran and ducked behind a tree. The adventurer peeked out, and studied the goblins closely as they flailed about helplessly in the grease. Soon the magics dissipated. The goblins stood up, and hurriedly ran into the bushes to hide. The adventurer came out to investigate. After looking over the strewn parchments, he began searching for the goblins in earnest. "Now looks what you did. We gonna die...", Frazzle whispered to his brother. "Not worries, I gots plan", Frizzle responded while smiling at his brother. Frazzle sighed heavily. "Last times you said that, Kind hung me upside downs naked while others threw rocks at me, remember?", Frazzle asked his brother. "How was I spose ta know she was Kings sister? Besides, yous said she kissed good. Worth it, yes? Now tie round yous." Frazzle tied a vine around his waist, while Frizzle tied the other end to himself. Then he fashioned a lasso out of another vine. "Yous stay here.", Frizzle grinned, then left the bushes.

"Yahooo! Yippee!", Frizzle cried out as he twirled his lasso in the air, and sent it sailing around a giant fire beetle crawling just a short distance away. At once, it took off. Frazzle suddenly found himself jerked from the bushes and sailing through the air. Slowly, Frizzle pulled himself up and onto the fire beetle's back, using the lasso to guide the animal towards the goblin lair. Frizzle on the other hand, continued to hit every tree, rock, and bush that came along as he was tossed around helplessly. The adventurer stood there, watching the spectacle, with a bewildered look upon his face.

Finally, the goblins were within sight of their lair. The guards, seeing the fire beetle lumbering towards them, began to panic. "Attack! We under attack! Battle stations!", They began to scream, and run around for their weapons. Without regard for Frizzle and Frazzle's safety, they began hurling quarrels with their crossbows at the beetle, felling it just a few feet from the cave entrance. Frazzle sailed through the air, hitting the rock facing of the cave, and face down into the dirt. "Owww...", was all he could manage to mumble. Frizzle dismounted the beetle sadly. "Aww I was gonna keep um. Alreadies named him Creepers." The other goblins just looked around, scratching their heads in confusion. Frazzle stood up wearily. "Tell ums Frizzle! Remembers, adventurer!" "Oh yea, adventurer coming! Adventurer coming! Big, mean, an scary!" In a hurried frenzy, the goblins began making preparations for a coming battle. Frizzle and Frazzle were escorted to the king to report the recent happenings.

Later that day, deep within the throne room, the king discussed things with Frizzle and Frazzle, with a worried expression on his face. "Theys just wana steal ale. They always wana steal ale, an they call us evil!", the goblin king huffed. Suddenly, death screams echoed in a nearby corridor. "Adventurer here!", the king cried out, and used magics to hide himself. Frizzle and Frazzle climbed up the rock wall and hid, preparing for an ambush. After all, defending the king was sure to win them some status. From the darkness, the lone adventurer slowly stepped forward in his full plate, making quite a bit of noise as he went. "Now!", Frazzle screamed, and they both jumped, landing on the adventurer. Frizzle hung on tight to the adventurer's head, covering the eye holes in his helmet. "Guess who? hehehhee...", Frizzle cackled. Frazzle landed on the sword arm, and hung on for dear life as the adventurer tried with all his might to shake the goblin loose. "Aieeieeeieeeugghh!!! Igonnapuuukessss!!!", Frazzle cried out as his face turned a darker shade of green. This went on for nearly an hour, until the adventurer finally began to tire.

"It seems we're at a stalemate.", he stated the obvious. "What that?", Frizzle asked. "A tie.", the adventurer informed them. "Oh, well what we do then?", Frazzle asked, looking nervously down at the sword, still hanging on to the arm. "Well, you two could always surrender...", the adventurer suggested. "No no no, you surrender. We gots you! An you in our home.", Frizzle pointedly informed him. After arguing back and forth for 30 minutes, Frazzle spoke up. "How bout we both surrender. Yous drop sword, an we's let go. Deal?", the adventurer sighed heavily, and agreed. Frazzle let go and stood on top of the fallen sword, while Frizzle let go, dropping to the ground, and ran around to stand by his brother.

"Why you come here? You come to steal ale?", Frizzle asked. "No, I came to stop whatever evil deeds you were planning to do in Kerns, fiend!", the adventurer bravely replied, sticking out his chest heroically. "Evil? Evil! Since when finding food evil huh?! Huh?!, Frazzle asked, stepping forward, getting all worked up. "We nots call you evil when stuffing yous face with food, do do we? Why we's always gota be evil? Why not you be evil an we vanquish you!?!? How you feel if I come your house an call you evil?", Frazzle rambled, then kicked the adventurer's armored boot. "Owww!", he cried out and began hopping around. With a puzzled look, the adventurer asked, "You were just there getting food?" "Why else we go round smelly humans? Hmm? Merchants no sell to us cause you calls us evil, so we gotta sneaks to get food. Yous fault!", Frizzle informed him. "Ahh... well... I...", the adventurer stammered. "Maybes we do this, we gives you gold, you buys us foods an bring it here, then we no scare humans, an they no scares us?", Frizzle suggested. Frazzle stopped hopping, and looked at his brother. "Wow, yous actually gots a good idea!?!?" Frazzle just grinned, not really sure if it was a compliment or an insult. The adventurer thought it over for a moment, then agreed. Frizzle gave the adventurer some gold, and sent him on his way.

"Hey where you gets gold from?", Frazzle asked. Frizzle just grinned and replied, "From hims pocket! Hahhaha!" They both wandered off into the caves, laughing...

Chapter 2 - Bushwacked

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-21T00:01:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.

[databat@ebob ~]$

*This one is dedicated to my loving wife, Mandy.

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-20T01:07:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.

[databat@ebob ~]$

Woman Tells Cop She Bought "Bad Crack"

2006-12-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

I found this little gem whilst poking around on yahoo. Just when I thought people can't get any dumber, someone like this pops up and completely surprises me. What's next, drug dealers registering with the Better Business Bureau!?!? Please lady, for the sake of all humanity, Get Out of The Gene Pool!!!

HAWTHORNE, Fla. - A North Carolina woman was arrested after complaining to a police officer that the crack cocaine she had just purchased wasn't very good, authorities said.
Eloise D. Reaves, 50, approached the Putnam County sheriff's deputy at a convenience store Friday, telling him that another man had sold her "bad crack" that contained wax and cocaine.

She pulled an alleged crack rock out of her mouth and placed it on the deputy's car for inspection, the Palatka Daily News reported for Tuesday editions.

The deputy told Reaves that she would be arrested if the crack tested positive for cocaine.

She was charged with possession of cocaine and bonded out for $1,504.

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-19T18:00:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune

Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter. It doesn't matter. Never mind...

[databat@ebob ~]$

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-18T18:00:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune
Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
[databat@ebob ~]$ open jar
Failed to open
:permission denied
[databat@ebob ~]$

About Binary Hole E-zine

2006-12-17T21:37:00.000-05:00

Binary Hole started out as an e-zine (electronic magazine). It contains articles on computing, technology, programming, stories, jokes, etc. Most of the articles tend to have a cyberpunk sort of view. This can sometimes be mistaken as elitist, abrasive, or even snobbish. While this isn't the intent, you'll either like it or hate it. We usually try to provide articles for people with advanced levels of tech. knowledge, as well as throwing in some thing for the novice. There isn't a release schedule for issues either. The next issue will be ready when it's ready, and not before. However, we do welcome submissions.

If you have something you would like to contribute, please e-mail it to databat333 (at) yahoo.com. Please put "BINARY HOLE" in the subject line to make sure we don't miss your submission. Submissions on how to commit illegal acts will NOT be accepted, but will probably end up getting made fun of in the /dev/null section.

This e-zine is about sharing knowledge, opinions, artwork, tech. fiction stories, and anything else that will contribute to the scene. We do ask that you leave feedback in the form of constructive comments. We do this because we enjoy it, and we want all of you to enjoy it as well.

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-17T18:00:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune
Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
[databat@ebob ~]$

Linkage to awesome binary goodness

2006-12-16T19:35:00.000-05:00

Hey Everyone! This is my first post here so I thought I'd share a useful tool with you all. Enjoy :D

http://nickciske.com/tools/binary.php

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune
Win98 Error 009: Erroneous Error: Nothing is wrong.
[databat@ebob ~]$

*blink* Hey, I thought this was UNIX!?!? *confused look*

Wolf Series

2006-12-16T16:40:00.000-05:00

About The Wolf Series

To Save A Life

Torn Again

The One I Love

Hunted

Wolves Of The Bitter Night

Timeless Series

2006-12-16T16:32:00.000-05:00

Timeless

Dove

Eagle

Free Soul

Silence

Shadow Series

2006-12-16T16:22:00.000-05:00

Shadow

Once, Twice, Ice

Frozen Tree

Oh Starry Night

Born of Storms

The Dark

Liquid Night Series

2006-12-16T16:12:00.000-05:00

Liquid Night

Brie

Dark Paradise

Gone

Grain of Salt

If I Forget

'Twasn't There Before

Roses Are Black

Legends of Lore Series

2006-12-16T16:08:00.000-05:00

Legends of Lore

Titiana's Song

Fire and Ice Series

2006-12-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

Fire and Ice

Burning Water

Eternal Battle

The Fire Within

The Ice is On Fire

Icy Flame

Digital Darkness Series

2006-12-16T15:58:00.001-05:00

Digital Darkness

Cruise The Bits

Obsolete

Dark vs. Light Series

2006-12-16T15:48:00.000-05:00

Darv vs. Light

Stick With Me

Deception

Binary Hole Issue #1

2006-12-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first edition of the Binary Hole E-Zine (electronic magazine). As this is the first edition, it is a bit on the thin side.

In this issue, we have our Who Are We article to bust into the scene. It's a bit in your face, and right to the point.

Next up, we have an in depth article explaining the mechanics of the telnet protocol. It also lists the various protocol options, as well as listings of the relevant RFC's for further research.

We also have a yummy littel article that gets into the nitty gritty of the horrible beast known as spyware. It goes into how you get spyware in the first place, what it does, how to prevent it, and how to remove it. It also discusses a couple of useful tools to help you.

As a regular feature, we also have our GPF and /dev/null sections. Our GPF (General Protection Fault) section is all about computer humor, jokes, funny stories, etc. Our /dev/null section is entirely devoted to SPAM, scams, and other idiotic e-mails we receive. In the future we will have more regular features, as well as serious letters written to us. If you have something you would like to contribue, please e-mail it to databat333 (at) yahoo.com. Please place Binary Hole in the subject line.

Table of Contents

Who are We

The Telnet Protocol Explained

Spyware

/dev/null

Drawing

2006-12-16T01:54:00.000-05:00

Even though I don't think I'm very good at it, I do like to draw. I mostly use graphite, but sometimes I use oil pastels and water colors. I would like to try my hand at oil painting, but a set of paints and needed supplies are a bit more than I can afford at the moment. Anywho, here's a couple of examples.

The one on the top is called Nose to Nose. The one on the bottem is called Summer Sunset. Yeah yeah, I know. I better not give up my day job just yet. But I enjoy this kinda stuff so I'll keep doing it in hopes that one day I'll be decent at it. I'll slop a few more up here when I get a chance. Hopefully I'll get an oil painting set in my stocking this Christmas or something. I'm not holding my breath though.

-=databat=-

Bit-twiddler The Next Generation

2006-12-16T01:18:00.000-05:00

I am deffinately proud of this one. She is as smart as she is beautiful. She's also family. Her typing skills rival my own. She can navigate the net with ease, and shows great potential to take my place one day as Supreme Bit-twiddler, if she chooses this path. But for the moment, she must continue learning. Most importantly of all, she must have fun. Besides, what's the point of skulking about the net if your not having fun doing it?

Enjoy being young. Enjoy being beautiful. Enjoy learning. One day it will take you places. Just don't ever forget your wacky cuz when you make it big! I'll always have your back. Just give me a call if you need anything.

-=databat=-

Databat's Law

2006-12-15T22:46:00.000-05:00

Weird Mumblings from the Great Book of Insanity

Warning: The further down you read, the worse it gets...

Ok, so it's not a set of laws enforced by any agency. I suppose you could call it a philosophy rather, a list of things I consider important. A list of guidelines that guide my thoughts. Things that I attempt to live by. No I'm not always successful. I am human, an imaginative, creative, error prone creation. However, I do try to live by the following rules. It started out serious, but somewhere around law 36, it all just kinda went south. See for yourself...

Disclaimer: Subject to change without notice, reproduce as you see fit, 0% down, 0% APR, batteries not included, your mileage may vary, blah blah blah poo...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, we shall never be.

Duty, Honor, Country. Death before dishonor.

This We'll Defend.

Blood is thicker than water.

Thou shalt not murder.

Millions of Relationships, A few hundred friends, but you only get one family...

Raw anger destroys from inside out. Tempered anger is fuel for determination

Every person, every religion, even the highest office... We are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. Just remember, when you make the mistake, how did you treat others that made a mistake???

You can anger me, you can torture me, you can kill me. Just don't bore me.

Sea bears foam, sleep bears roam. They both end the same way. CRASH!

I welcomed birth with open arms, and one day I shall welcome death with open arms. What I do with the time in between is what matters most.

Be patient... A chance will come... There is an eternity to wait...

I choose not to fear.

Trust is given to a true friend by a true friend. False trust is given to everyone by a fool.

Sisters are like sparring partners that are stronger than you. They teach you life lessons the hard way.

Advice is easily given but rarely followed.

I shall consider it for eternity...

The most difficult problems to solve are your own...

Your perception of me is not my concern. My perception of me is of the utmost importance.

Emotions are like fire. When out of control they can be deadly. However, contained and harnessed, they can be a useful tool.

It all depends on me.

The human brain. Something everyone possesses, but most rarely use.

If I am wrong, I will apologize. If it is not accepted, then it is no longer my problem.

Why waste energy tormenting someone you hate? It is more constructive to push them out of your life. Concentrate on what matters, not on what angers you.

Common sense. See above.

Dreams. The manifestation of one's problems hidden from conscious thought. The most difficult things to deal with.

Humor. The worlds best cure for nearly everything.

Friends come and go. True friends are willing to work out any problem.

Do not try to change me. I will only tolerate it for so long. Eventually I will leave to be myself, with or without you.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. All others are of no importance.

The ones most likely to stab you in the back are the ones you trust the most.

Third time's the charm, any more and it's all harm.

If you are always running late, every stop light will catch you. They know who you are, they know you're coming, and they know your late! It's a conspiracy I tell ya!!! :-)

If something can go wrong, it will go wrong, especially to me.
(addendum to above) Even if it can't go wrong, somehow it will find a way to go wrong if I'm involved.

Spontaneous black hole manifestation: It does not matter how much I eat, or how much weight I try to gain, as soon as I start to make progress the little gremlins of the universe mysteriously cause a black hole to briefly appear in my stomach, thus keeping me at my current size.

Spontaneous Invisibility theorem: When any sock stays in the dryer for a longer amount of time than needed to dry said sock (note: scientists are still trying to determine this length of time), The ghost odors of old (you know, the ones that never totally wash out and just leave the socks smelling odd) will mingle with meso quarks given off by the slight radioactivity the sock has also picked up from repetitive use, thereby mingling and creating a very strange field around the sock, causing it to either become invisible, or disappear from existence. (we still aren't sure yet because we cant see it after it has happened)

Disproving the spontaneous invisibility theorem: Martians are using said socks to fuel their space ships. One sock enables them to fly space ship from their home planet located in the center of the NGC-817 Galaxy to our planet, where upon reaching earth, are infiltrating our world governments in order to take over our sock production, with which they will be able to fuel their campaign to take over the Universe!

Disproving the Disproving mentioned above: I ran over the Martian leader this morning on my way to work. If ya need proof, scrape him off my head lights. And don't blame others because you can't remember what you did with your socks!

Predictable Randomness theorem: Whenever you need something to go exactly as planned, that is exactly when a random event will occur which will make said event either not go as smoothly, or not work at all.

Existence of Construction Gremlins Theory: Whenever you are building something, and it needs to be built in a hurry, construction gremlins will appear from (still yet to be determined), and either steal parts, shrink parts/tools/etc so that nothing will fit, or break parts so you are unable to complete said construction project.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose! (well if you do, you shouldn't :-p)

Women are a lot like men, they're just too ashamed to admit it hehe

Women are like onions, some have layers, some have had their layers peeled away, some are rotten, some aren't fit to eat (hey get your mind out of the gutter!), but all will make you cry at some time.

Women are like onions, some have layers, some have had their layers peeled away, some are rotten, some aren't fit to eat (hey get your mind out of the gutter!), but all will make you cry at some time.

All women, beautiful, or hideous, will always look for something better than they already have, even if they already have the best.

See above, but replace women with men

Life is like a visit to the proctologist. (you figure out the rest)

There are 3 things you should never try to take from a man, his food, his truck, and his privacy.

Find me a woman who will respect my privacy, and love me for who I am, not what she can change me into, and I will be in y our debt for life.

"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." -- A. L.

What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?

Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.

Lord of the Data (Lord of the rings spoof)

Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.

Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have In-laws.

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing true distaste.
-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"

Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.

(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.

Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:

Intimidation Gesticulation (hand waving)
"Try it; it works"
Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
Blatant assertion
Changing all the 2's to n's
Mutual consent
Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands to reason"

Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.

-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

This page will be updated every Febutober the twenty-teenth...

Bit-Training

2006-12-15T22:25:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, my youngest padawan. This is my niece, and an odd picture of me without a goatee. This lesson involved learning to read the newspaper, then turning them into these fashionable hats. Not only do these babies protect your brainwaves from Big Brother, they also keep the rain from messing up your hair. Instead the hat messes it up. (hey, no technology is without it's faults hehe)

She is a quick learner though. I can remember, it seems just a short while ago I was teaching her to crawl. She's grown much bigger now though, and a lot more mischieves. At 3 years old, she can operate my sisters cell phone. We have the most interesting conversations about Elmo in Grouchland, Curious George, and other such topics. However, one day she shall replace me. I look forward to the day when I shall pass my root account over to her. The day when she will begin tormenting users, and plotting to rule the world! Muhahaha! But for now, she will have to be content ruling over boxes of animal crackers.

The Daily Fortune

2006-12-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

[databat@ebob ~]$ /usr/games/fortune
Bell Labs UNIX -- Reach out and grep someone.
[databat@ebob ~]$

The Internet on a Foggy Day

2006-12-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

Trust Your Techno Lust

2006-12-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

Silence

2006-12-14T20:20:00.000-05:00

Stop,
listen to that sound,
nothing all around.

So comforting yet so cold,
it's secrets never told.

If you listen you shall find it there,
not to damage it you must take care.

It whispers it's secret to all,
not listening shall bring your downfall.

It takes me in it's arms,
from it's touch I shall not be harmed.

My spirit is warmed by it's gentle hand,
let it spread throughout the land,
complete attention it demands.

I wrap myself in it's presence,
I find it wonderful and pleasant.

In it's beauty I get lost,
and seek it out no matter what the cost.

I am a part of it,
it is part of me,
the way it should be.

-=databat=-

Free Soul

2006-12-14T20:16:00.000-05:00

Every time they try to hold me down,
I come back with lots of sound.

Each time they call me a liar,
my spirit burns higher.

I shall be free,
no one shall stop me.

The green flame grows strong,
my spirit shall never be gone.

I am free,
the fire is within me.

Every day troubles I have,
and sometimes I am sad.

But I am free,
no one can stop me,
Because I am free.

I soar high up in the sky,
when I'm hurt I cry.

But I'm free,
open sky surrounds me.

Forever I can see,
because I'm free,
the wind goes around me,
I am free.

Everyone shall hear,
my message do not fear.

Accross the plains I run,
over head flies the sun,
it is free,
I am free,
because of me,
I am free.

A leaf blows accross the ground,
listen close and you'll hear it's sound,
the story it has to tell,
you'll do good to listen well.

It says it's free,just like me.

I am free,
no one can touch me,
because I am free.

The flame burns higher,
even when I'm tired.

As I grow stronger,
the flames grow longer.

No one can put them out,
it's what I'm all about.
It is the essence of me,
because I'm free,
because of me,
I am free.

I must make my own way,
I do this every day.

They shall never hold me down,
I take flight from the ground.

I never look back,
laughing at their puny attacks.

They can't hurt me,
because I am free.

I am free.

-=databat=-

Eagle

2006-12-14T20:14:00.000-05:00

I spread my wings and fly,
now my home is the sky.

All alone among the clouds,
this is what my life is about.

Eagles eye crystal clear,
I see only one thing I fear,
and I wonder,what I'm doing here.

It's my own fault,
can't use this beak to talk,
it's cold up high,
Heart so cold,
it's been so long,
what I would give,
to hear love's sweet song.

I fly around,
circle down,
only to get shot to the ground.

Again,
it's because of me,
trusting I had to be,
she has hurt me,
why can't love let me die in peace!?!

Tugging at my heart,
yet I resist,
unable to stop love's sweet soul kiss.

I fly away,
trying to escape,
knowing my flight is a fake.

Secretly wishing to get caught,
yet afraid of what it has brought,
it is with me,
I can see,
why can't these thoughts just let me be.

-=databat=-

Dove

2006-12-14T20:10:00.001-05:00

Standing alone,
on the edge of tears,
memories come back,
every single day of every year.

Unconditional love,
that's what it has to be,
but why does this happen?

Death trying to take it away from me.

I scream out,
into the night,
for death to take me instead,
here is my life.

I stand before you,
in this mess I call life,
praying for my Grandmother,
and crying in the night.

For this moment,
so much pain,
so much worse,
than the stinging rain.

The cold trying to hide me,
and drown out my heart,
but nothing can hold back,
my heart being ripped appart.

What ever happens,
where ever she ends up,
Every time I see a dove,
I'll be sending her my love.

-=databat=-

Timeless

2006-12-14T20:05:00.000-05:00

Tick tock,
tick tock,
everyone racing around the clock.

Always busy,
getting dizzy.

The clock never stops,
except for here,
time stands still,
for a thousand years.

Scratches on the wall,
they are from human claws.

Trapped in the stream of time,
too busy for others,
their only crime.

Behind are the marks they leave,
always in memory.

Forever precious let them be,
these memories are timeless to me...

-=databat=-

Wolves Of The Bitter Night

2006-12-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

A chilled wind blows across the plains,
to others,
things seem strange.

Our pack is small,
but we survive,
where others would shrivel and die.

We are wolves,
flesh and bone,
but accuse us of no feeling,
and you are dead wrong!

When bitten,
we do hurt,
at this you take pleasure,
yes we see your smirk!

Be for-warned of your deadly ways,
for each person's deeds,
someone pays.

Get used to it for the rest of your days,
this pair of wolves are here to stay!

Hurt unjustly,
that we have,
you rip out our hearts,
and we are called savage?

Come now,
you surely must know,
that you are the one without any hope.

For we have each other,
to lean on each day and night,
yet from us you run and hide.

We are the hunted pack,
surviving in the night,
growling,bearing our teeth,
at what you call right...

By: Eric Farmer

Hunted

2006-12-14T20:01:00.000-05:00

Alone we travel,
late at night,
howling at the moonlight.

Being hunted,run and hide,
watching a friend die inside.

I arch my back,
howl at the moon,
wishing there were something I could do.

It is out there,
hiding in wait,
waiting for my friends heart to break.

Why must we be hunted?

By: Eric Farmer

The One I Love

2006-12-14T20:00:00.000-05:00

so many things to say
but no where to start
i could talk about her glimmering hair
or her dark brown eyes
but her real beauty is in something
you can not see
but it is the way she loved me
when she loves she will do anything
so many girls pass by
but none compare to her beauty
none make me feel the way she does
i am out of words to describe her
there are so few to describe such beauty

By: Brad Parris