BH #1 - /dev/null

/dev/null

If something you've written or done has made it here, then gratz! You're a knobhead lamer who doesn't know a doughnut hole from a hole in the ground. Doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy that we thought of you!?!? Some of these responses to the lame e-mails may be real, some may be dramatizations. Your mileage may vary. (please note, identification info and links that may be harmful have been removed from the e-mails to prevent aiding their advertisements)
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Subject: Reduce Spam
==I've got an idea, how bout I shove your head through your monitor. That will certainly reduce the amount of spam I get from ya!

Never worry about Spyware again!
Protection is easy with Spy-Control. In minutes, you can identify and remove all malicious infections.

===Dude you are an infection! Get a real job and stop spamming people!

Spy-Control provides absolute Spyware elimination and prevention - our Live Montoring Shield will stop Spyware before it reaches your PC, the smart Popup Blocker will make sure you are not harassed by commercials, and you'll get full access to our Helpdesk where our capable support staff will be glad to assist you with every question you might have.

===I called your help desk, they still can't figure out how to get rid of you either, so I doubt they'll be able to help me with anything.

Avoid Credit Card FraudProtect Privacy & Personal InformationPrevent Identity TheftReduce SpamIncrease PC and Internet SpeedsEnd Home Page HijackingNever see a Popup again

Spy-Control is the most widely used and trusted Spyware protection program in the world. Installed on over 13 million PC's and trusted by some of the world's largest companies- with Spy-Control, you can be certain you are getting the best protection available today!

===If it's the most widely used, then why have I never heard of it before now? If it's that good then you wouldn't have to send spam to sell it, now would you!?!?

Find out how many Spyware Agents are watching you right now!
No More

DELETED!!!
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Hello,

=== umm hi...

We sent you an email a while ago, because you now qualifyfor a much lower rate based on the biggest rate drop in years.

=== really? I never got it...

You can now get $325,000 for as little as $615 a month!Bad credit? Doesn't matter, low rates are fixed no matter what!

=== Holy cow! I'll take it! *evil grin*

Follow this link to process your application and a 24 hour approval:
(link removed)

Best Regards,Young Nixon

=== What happened to the old one?
(link removed)

=== hmm, this should be fun. *clicky* hmm... a form... *clicky... check phone me... wait*

ring ring...
"hello?"
"Yes. This is Mister Doe from USA Lenders Network. You inquired about refinancing your home?"
"Yes, you said I was pre-approved for $325,000. However, I had some problems with your web form. The values for the drop down boxes didn't match my needs. I would like to get my $325,000."
"Ok. I can help. Just answer these questions, and I'll fill out all of the paperwork."
"Great!"
"What's the appraised value of your home?"
"Umm... nothing."
"Sir? What do you mean?"
"I don't own a home."
"Well, that would be a problem."
"It's not my problem. You guys sent me the e-mail, and I want my money now!"
"Sir, it doesn't work that way."
"Oh? And would it work better if I sent hired goons to bash that *guess* shiny new Beamer in your parking spot? Let me speak to your manager now!"
*fone drops, sound of running feet and screaming*
"Hello?"
"Hello? Who is this?"
"This is Mr. Doe's supervisor, Mark."
"Ah yes Mark, I think you may have a problem with your employee."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, first he approved me for a $325,000 loan, and I don't even own a home. You'll find where he started filling out the paperwork in front of you. Then he said he'd had enough of your company, and you, and said he was going out to the parking lot to set your car on fire..."
*fone drops... running feet... police sirens...*
*click* SORTED!
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Subject: mating site I told you about
=== erm... there's just some e-mails even I won't dare open...
DELETED!!!
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Veloz Commercial:"Do you think you might have worms?"
===Are you nuts!?!? I havn't had those since I was a kid, then I learned to wash my hands. Sorted!
*channel change*
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Subject: great meds...
Ask your Doctor for this medicine...
=== woa stop right there. When I go to the doctor, it's because I'm sick and I don't know what to do, now why would I tell my doctor I need your medicine when first, I don't even know what's wrong with me, second, I don't even know what your medicine does, and third, I can't buy your medicine without a prescription!?!? Save the money your paying the spammer and lower the price of the medicine!
DELETED!!!
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Subject: Man is incomplete until he is married, then he is finished...
=== heh... so many thoughts run through my head on this one. Too easy, I won't even bother to open it.
DELETED!!!
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Subject: Account verification
We need to verify your parity. Please enter your account information and reply. To delay will mean the loss of your account.
=== I have parity? That's news to me. Didn't even know I had an account.

*trace**trace**dial*
Hello, FBI? Yes, I would like to report someone committing credit card fraud. Yes. *gives information*
SORTED!!!

=== Hold on, before you scream sellout. There is a big difference between mischievious practical jokes, and crime. Mischievous would be a fake "going to format your hard drive, click yes or no" where you try to click on no, and the no button moves. Stealing anyones identity, money, etc. is a serious crime, and those comitting those crimes should rot in jail. How would you feel if you were the victim? Don't say it won't happen either. That's usually when it does.
SORTED!!!