Databat's Law

Weird Mumblings from the Great Book of Insanity

Warning: The further down you read, the worse it gets...

Ok, so it's not a set of laws enforced by any agency. I suppose you could call it a philosophy rather, a list of things I consider important. A list of guidelines that guide my thoughts. Things that I attempt to live by. No I'm not always successful. I am human, an imaginative, creative, error prone creation. However, I do try to live by the following rules. It started out serious, but somewhere around law 36, it all just kinda went south. See for yourself...

Disclaimer: Subject to change without notice, reproduce as you see fit, 0% down, 0% APR, batteries not included, your mileage may vary, blah blah blah poo...

1. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, we shall never be.


2. Duty, Honor, Country. Death before dishonor.


3. This We'll Defend.


4. Blood is thicker than water.


5. Thou shalt not murder.


6. Millions of Relationships, A few hundred friends, but you only get one family...


7. Raw anger destroys from inside out. Tempered anger is fuel for determination


8. Every person, every religion, even the highest office... We are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. Just remember, when you make the mistake, how did you treat others that made a mistake???


9. You can anger me, you can torture me, you can kill me. Just don't bore me.


10. Sea bears foam, sleep bears roam. They both end the same way. CRASH!


11. I welcomed birth with open arms, and one day I shall welcome death with open arms. What I do with the time in between is what matters most.


12. Be patient... A chance will come... There is an eternity to wait...


13. I choose not to fear.


14. Trust is given to a true friend by a true friend. False trust is given to everyone by a fool.


15. Sisters are like sparring partners that are stronger than you. They teach you life lessons the hard way.


16. Advice is easily given but rarely followed.


17. I shall consider it for eternity...


18. The most difficult problems to solve are your own...


19. Your perception of me is not my concern. My perception of me is of the utmost importance.


20. Emotions are like fire. When out of control they can be deadly. However, contained and harnessed, they can be a useful tool.


21. It all depends on me.


22. The human brain. Something everyone possesses, but most rarely use.


23. If I am wrong, I will apologize. If it is not accepted, then it is no longer my problem.


24. Why waste energy tormenting someone you hate? It is more constructive to push them out of your life. Concentrate on what matters, not on what angers you.


25. Common sense. See above.


26. Dreams. The manifestation of one's problems hidden from conscious thought. The most difficult things to deal with.


27. Humor. The worlds best cure for nearly everything.


28. Friends come and go. True friends are willing to work out any problem.


29. Do not try to change me. I will only tolerate it for so long. Eventually I will leave to be myself, with or without you.


30. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. All others are of no importance.


31. The ones most likely to stab you in the back are the ones you trust the most.


32. Third time's the charm, any more and it's all harm.


33. If you are always running late, every stop light will catch you. They know who you are, they know you're coming, and they know your late! It's a conspiracy I tell ya!!! :-)


34. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong, especially to me.
35. (addendum to above) Even if it can't go wrong, somehow it will find a way to go wrong if I'm involved.


36. Spontaneous black hole manifestation: It does not matter how much I eat, or how much weight I try to gain, as soon as I start to make progress the little gremlins of the universe mysteriously cause a black hole to briefly appear in my stomach, thus keeping me at my current size.


37. Spontaneous Invisibility theorem: When any sock stays in the dryer for a longer amount of time than needed to dry said sock (note: scientists are still trying to determine this length of time), The ghost odors of old (you know, the ones that never totally wash out and just leave the socks smelling odd) will mingle with meso quarks given off by the slight radioactivity the sock has also picked up from repetitive use, thereby mingling and creating a very strange field around the sock, causing it to either become invisible, or disappear from existence. (we still aren't sure yet because we cant see it after it has happened)


38. Disproving the spontaneous invisibility theorem: Martians are using said socks to fuel their space ships. One sock enables them to fly space ship from their home planet located in the center of the NGC-817 Galaxy to our planet, where upon reaching earth, are infiltrating our world governments in order to take over our sock production, with which they will be able to fuel their campaign to take over the Universe!


39. Disproving the Disproving mentioned above: I ran over the Martian leader this morning on my way to work. If ya need proof, scrape him off my head lights. And don't blame others because you can't remember what you did with your socks!


40. Predictable Randomness theorem: Whenever you need something to go exactly as planned, that is exactly when a random event will occur which will make said event either not go as smoothly, or not work at all.


41. Existence of Construction Gremlins Theory: Whenever you are building something, and it needs to be built in a hurry, construction gremlins will appear from (still yet to be determined), and either steal parts, shrink parts/tools/etc so that nothing will fit, or break parts so you are unable to complete said construction project.


42. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose! (well if you do, you shouldn't :-p)


43. Women are a lot like men, they're just too ashamed to admit it hehe
    


44. Women are like onions, some have layers, some have had their layers peeled away, some are rotten, some aren't fit to eat (hey get your mind out of the gutter!), but all will make you cry at some time.


45. Women are like onions, some have layers, some have had their layers peeled away, some are rotten, some aren't fit to eat (hey get your mind out of the gutter!), but all will make you cry at some time.


46. All women, beautiful, or hideous, will always look for something better than they already have, even if they already have the best.


47. See above, but replace women with men


48. Life is like a visit to the proctologist. (you figure out the rest)


49. There are 3 things you should never try to take from a man, his food, his truck, and his privacy.


50. Find me a woman who will respect my privacy, and love me for who I am, not what she can change me into, and I will be in y our debt for life.


51. "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." -- A. L.


52. What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?


53. Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.


54. Lord of the Data (Lord of the rings spoof)
    
    Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
    Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
    Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
    Three megs for system source;
    
    
    One disk to rule them all,
    One disk to bind them,
    One disk to hold the files
    And in the darkness grind 'em.
    


55. Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.


56. An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.


57. Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.


58. When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have In-laws.


59. The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing true distaste.
    -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"


60. Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
    SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
    
    (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
    (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
    (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
    (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
    (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
    
    Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
    
    Intimidation Gesticulation (hand waving)
    "Try it; it works"
    Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
    Blatant assertion
    Changing all the 2's to n's
    Mutual consent
    Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands to reason"


61. Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.


62. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
    
    -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

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