BH #1 - GPF

What is GPF? Technical term, General Protection Fault. It's what happens when your shiny Micro$oft Windoze computer craps itself, something goes wrong, and you get the legendary BSOD. (Blue Screen of Death)

This section contains bits and pieces of our lives that GPF. Jokes, situations, gags, etc. It will either leave you spitting nails, or put a smile on your face. Your mileage may vary.

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Ok, so the other day I get on the web to order some things from tigerdirect.com. But my only option for shipping was UPS next day delivery, wich was gonna set me back $60. Holy crap! I didn't need this stuff that fast! What happened to ground? So I call em up. After being put on hold for a while, I was subjected to a lovely commercial trying to sell me spyware removal software. After listening to the commercial, I became annoyed and hung up.

A while later, I called back. Interestingly enough, I was on hold the same amount of time, subjected to the same sequence of music, just before the same commercial was thrown at me. This told me that the only purpose of the wait time was to prepare you for the commercial. I wonder what marketing genious thought that up. Putting people on hold and forcing them to listen to elevator music before giving your sales pitch is more likely to make your customers hang up!

This time I listened more closely to the commercial. It certainly sounded frightening. They were telling me that spyware was a virus, and my computer was most likely already infected, blah blah, the only product that could save me was theirs, blah blah. Quite a bit of mis-information. They were actually blurring the lines between what a computer virus, and spyware is. This really hurts their credibility. Not only are they trying to sell a product based on FUD (fear, uncertainty, doubt), they are going to have a lot of angry customers who end up with infections after they ditch (Nortan, McAffee, Symantec, insert favorite anti-virus software here) in favor of their software.

Spyware is not a computer virus. Yes it's annoying, and just as bad as a virus, but it is not one. A computer virus, when ran, has the ability to infect other files on your computer, infect the MBR, and in some cases, spread itself via the internet to other computers. Some of these virii only infect and spread, others destroy your files, or allow others to take complete control over your computer, etc. These virii are not written by companies (that we know of) for marketing purposes. (lets not get into the conspiracy theories about the AV companies)

Spyware is written by a company for the sole purpose of collecting data from your computer for marketing, displaying adds on your computer, keeping track of the sites you visit, switching out adds of a competitor, etc. Legally, these companies must provide you with an End User License Agreement (EULA) that you must agree to when the software is installed. Usually it is bundled with other software that you install. *cough* Kazaa, Gain, superduperfavorite Explorer toolbar you download, etc.*cough*

It amazes me that a supposedly reputable company like tigerdriect would try to cram software down my throat in such an uncool, anti-social way. When I was finally able to talk to a live person, the guy began to speed read through a sales pitch to sell me a copy of the software, then asked, "How many copies can I put you down for?" Look buddy, that's not what I told you I wanted, that's not what I was looking for on your site, so why would I want any copies? I told him "Zero." A few seconds pass, in wich I hear his jaw drop, and he slyly asks, "But don't you want your computer protected?"

Ohh buddy, you just asked the wrong person that one. I said, "Ok, first of all, I've got a linux firewall setup to block any external connection attempts, second, I use a web proxy on that firewall, with an extensive block list that is updated regularly to prevent even accidental connection attempts from my computer to the sites that try to force you to download spyware, third I install updates regularly, fourth I use free programs such as Adaware and Spybot Search and Destroy each week to ensure that nothing gets by." Click, click, I fired first and emptied his ammo clip. Muhahaha!!! What's this? He breaks out the club. "Sir, could I interest you in anti-virus software then?" I reply, "Already own copies of Norton and McAffee, and yes the subscriptions are up to date." By now you can hear his sweat dripping from his head onto the phone. "Sounds like you've got it all covered, nothing I can offer you then huh?" Time to twist the knife. "Not really. I do this for a living. It's what I went to college for. I eat, sleep, breath, and dream in binary. But for what it's worth, you tried your best." He sighs, finalizes my order, and hangs up.

Ok, so lets see, all of this "over-marketing" made it all seem like the only shipping option on their website wich happened to be the one with the higher shipping prices was intentionally put there so either you would just pay it, or call and be subjected to an all out war on your senses so you would cave and buy the crap just to get the guy to shut up. They waisted their time and my time. I should send them a bill...

-=Databat=-Giving Marketing people nightmares since 1980

update: They've fixed the shipping options on their site, so I no longer have to deal with a human unless they bork my order. Looks like my complaint reached the right person.

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SCO - Need I say more?
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1 bit walks into a hard drive.
0 comes out.
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User: What's wrong with this stupid computer!?!? *clicky clicky* Why won't it print? *clicky* Why is it always screwing up? *clicky*
Me: What's wrong?
User: This computer won't print. *clicky* It's always screwing up! *clicky clicky* see? *clicky clicky*
Me: *puts paper in the printer*
User: ...
Me: *glares at user*
User: Shutup!
Me: *cold chuckle*
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User: Why won't the internet come up? *click click click*
Me: *waits patiently*
User: See? *click click click* It's not doing anything! *click click click*
Me: *continues waiting*
User: *eyes pop out as 50 million internet explorer windows pop onto the screen*
Me: *sighs and walks away*